World Without Warmth

best chemistry answer i ever read.

2011-08-02T22:27:00.000+08:00

I know i rarely post entries so frequently, but this is something which i stumbled upon and thought that it was so smartly answered it deserved to have a permanent place where i can read it when i feel like it. it almost made me enjoy chemistry, which says ALOT if you know me:D

Here goes:

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well...

Here is the "Bonus Question" on the exam: "Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?"

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and

pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa (a girlfriend of mine during my Freshman year) that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A."

Theater of Life

2011-07-30T23:53:00.000+08:00

I am so thankful that I looked stage fear in the eye and went for drama auditions with my teeth gritted two years ago. I would never have met this awesome group of talented individuals had I not done so. Now that I've done it, I cannot imagine what life would be like had I joined another cca. Maybe not boring, but never as colourful as drama had been.

I got to live many lives as an actor. To wear many hats I never thought I would ever imagine, let alone wear. I saw what went on behind the scenes, when the script was just pieces of papers with words we had not yet processed, when costumes were just something dug from our treasure trove called 'Drama Room', and lines came out like we spoke a foreign tongue. The days where we warmed up on the same stage many times over, yet each time was different, unique with its own charms. I cannot remember any time in my schooling years when cca was a chore which needs to be done. It was more like an alluring chocolate souffle waiting to be eaten, like a rainbow after a typhoon called IB, a safe haven from the EEs and IAs which made us question why we voluntarily signed up for the excruciating mental torture from which we had not yet reaped our rewards. Yes, drama was our mid week retreat (despite our drama room being the farthest away from 'resort' as you can imagine, namely, look below:)).

When the air buzzed with the excitement and anxiety of performing for our friends and family, we all prayed together and kept our fingers crossed. As lines rolled, one after the other, we tucked the laughter and nods of approval from the audience safely into our pockets for safekeeping. When the curtains fell and it was time for the school anthem, our blood still raced with the adrenaline from the show, our voices especially loud in the cacophony which reverberated in CPA 2. Drama always gives back more than in takes, in many ways.

I was proud to decline an invitation with the reason, "I've got drama." It has given me confidence, awareness of self, the understanding of what responsibility meant as a team player, much laughter, and even more warmth. It gave me friends to fall back on when the going gets tough, and memories to keep for a lifetime. No, I would not trade drama for anything else. Not even for an extra one point for IB. You won't know what I'm talking about until you have invested as much as I had in something.

Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.

The Waiting Game

2011-07-05T22:25:00.000+08:00

I dislike the waiting game. The worst thing one can do to another is to make them wait. Waiting is full of uncertainty, at times, anxiety, and often not, frustration. It's easy to say "good things come to those to wait" - afterall, you aren't the one waiting. The grass is definitely less green on the waiting side.

I suppose waiting can help you cultivate patience. But it can also cause your blood pressure to shoot through the roof, your heart beat consistently faster, make you lose concentration on something you were meant to be 100% focused on. Life is a waiting game. From the moment we awaken, we wait. For the toilet, in the queue for breakfast, for a call, a text, an email, for work to end, for a certain day, etc. Unconsciously, we wait. Consciously, we still wait. This sense of time passing without giving us an answer we expect permeates life.

First it was for academic results, then when that was over, for scholarship interviews and offers. And when I thought it was all over, that it was a process I can safely tuck into the tightest corner of my memory and (hopefully) never have to relieve, it begins all over again as I wait for an answer for university placement. How did it come to be that I got accepted everywhere but the one place I needed to get into? Ironic, yes. Though one can, and probably should, see it as another example of how life is shrouded with mysteries. The only thing that we can do is to embrace it with open arms.

I find myself thinking, dreaming of the future when all the amazing things happen. When everything goes my way, the way I envision it to be and more- then again, that's why they call it a dream - the exact opposite of reality. I never believed in phrases like, "dream job/car/house/vacation" because that's why life is so amazing but at the same time so unbelievably and irrevocably annoying. Things don't always go according to plan, but when one door is closed, its because there's another one somewhere, open, waiting for us to discover it. Hence my favourite phrase: "beyond my wildest dreams".

Yeah, I am what people would label as an optimist. I am probably 10 times more optimistic than an average person when it comes to being optimistic (thus mum's advice of being shrewd when I have to). But at the same time, I am 10 more more pessimistic than the average person as well. I try not to hope, because I hate the feeling of being let down. I don't always share good news until they are set in stone, because I loath the feeling of letting others down, of having to tell others otherwise. I don't know how these qualities will work against or for me in the future, but if I could live life all over again, I would still choose to grow up the way I have been brought up.

They are right when they tell you that you need to know bitterness before you can appreciate even the smallest bit of sweetness in your life. They definitely know what they are saying when they say to wait it out. Afterall, storms can't last forever can they? Focus on the rainbow after the storm, and you will see the storm with a different eye.

I'll wait with a renewed sense of hopefulness.

It's been a long while.

2011-04-28T23:39:00.000+08:00

Hi friends:) If any of you are still coming to this page to read more about what i've been up to...not that i think there'll be any thanks to my inconsistency:(( well, you can also sometimes go to thoughtsinapot.wordpress.com. Sometimes i scribble there. I blog less now- basically because im not disciplined to sit still enough to extract all those thoughts running through my head and put it legibly into a blog post.

but what i've been up to after IB?

1) 3 months of teaching internship at Fuhua Secondary School. Best choice i ever made by signing up. The kids make me smile, and it makes all the having to sweat in a classroom, lose my voice, stay up late marking all worth it.

Just a few of my classes. The most rewarding isn't teaching gifted kids. But normal, everyday kids like you and i and helping them to grow into good people:) Gratification isn't instant, but when it comes, it knocks you over and leaves you craving for more. In that instant, you remember why you started doing it in the first place.

2) Catching up with the K-wave and getting swept away by it. COMPLETELY. thanks to my aunt who introduced me to 'We Got Married' and my students whom i catch looking at 2PM in the files under their tables.

yongseo:) sweet potato.

khuntoria:)

2PM. the cute...

and the charismatic.

How deep have i fallen? i went from neglecting my ipod to using it daily, from owning NO ALBUMS to buying one two weeks in a row. And i don't even know Korean. but now i can understand phrases. i know k-variety shows like the back of my hand:) yes, its like im studying this as a subject intensely, except if there is an exam for this, i'll rejoice. twice over:) you might be confused at this point if you don't know these idols- like me last year. now i understand why fans shell out big money for limited edition albums and all. not that im THAT CRAZY. not yet anyway. but i'm close.

3) experiencing the working life by combing through classifieds looking for jobs. scams and all, i learnt the importance of having legal knowledge. worked as an appointment setting officer (nice name, shabby job:O) with an insurance agent. agent was nice, but everything else about the job sucked. contracted a HUGE fever after 3 days of work and i called it quits. in those three days...i made over 700 phonecalls and got phone slammed down with 'im busy' like its the norm.

still, i never did regret trying this job, for at least now i can say 'been there, done that'. i appreciate these people more, and i'll probably give them three minutes to hear them out before rejecting them. i know how hard it is. it got to the point where i keep my fingers crossed that the person doesn't pick up and im spared the pain of rejection for like, 5 seconds before i move on to the next number.

now i work as an accounts assistant/clerk/receptionist at a marine construction education company and im learning SO MUCH on the job:) time flies when im working, and i came to appreciate foreign labour so much more after interacting so much with them. they are not all bad, unhygenic or rude. dont generalise. most of them are helpful, family centered, and trying their best. give them a chance. they are the ones who work for $16 a day under the hot sun building our sheltered overhead bridges (just to name one example). don't complain unless you tell me that you will do that job for that money, or that you can live without such luxuries(most Singaporeans can't).

and that's all for now:) whoever's reading, HELLO:)

Hello 2011

2011-01-01T23:44:00.000+08:00

Hello 2011:) The year started off with a bang- fireworks at marina bay with sathia, bryant, ummu, yeehui, rachel, wenkang and junko:) Can't believe I spent the last three hours of 2010 sitting on top of a drain cover in my jeans, then stood for the final 20 minutes in my heels waiting for the countdown. The atmosphere was infectious, and everyone was screaming happy new year after the fireworks ended. AWESOME:):):)

then got home at 2.30am and started boiling herbal chicken soup for mummy's birthday mee sua in the morning. daddy dyed the eggs red. happy morning when we all woke up to eat herbal chicken soup mee sua to celebrate mummy's birthday:D then it was off to conrad where mummy and daddy are staying overnight in plus TONS OF SHOPPING to kick start the new year:)

train-ed to nicholas's house where the bunch of us gathered:) 9 is a much much funner number than 6. but i wish all 11 of us were there:( still, LOVED THE COMPANY. played chinese chess and i 'won':D then it was blackjack. SO MANY CUPS OF DRINKS WE HAD. and no peeing unless we did a forfeit. I'm still holding it in.

haven't had such a happy, wonderful, relaxed day since... well, since a long time ago. common app is all done and left behind in 2010:) can't wait to commence work on the 4th to start on something productive. and i'm tingling inside from all the expectations i have for the new year. UNIVERSITY. I really cannot imagine what life will be like once we're really really really done with school. for good. and start working and all. what will life be like without a constant source of knowledge, a constant process of learning? I'll ponder after the game ends and I CAN PEE. holding in pee is so hard when it's all you can think about.

hope you all (like there's any readers left at all:O) had a great new year's day with the friends and family whom you treasure and love:)

2010-11-20T14:45:00.001+08:00

Exams are over. Have been over since Monday. It's setting in, really, the feeling of being able to do anything you want to. Like your whole future is laid out there, waiting for you to uncover it. It is also scary- going to sleep without anything specific or important to do the next day and then waking up, feeling lazy and not having anything to have to study for. It's ironic. Really ironic. Life ought to be made simpler.

I'm currently looking for a job, and until I find one, I guess I am officially in the 'unemployment stats'. Out of school and not yet in a job:) Guess internships won't be happening seeing as how difficult it is to get one- not even an interview:/ But it's alright. Maybe it's a sign that I should do something else:) I guess I'll just sit down and think one day and figure out what I'm gonna have to do for the next year.

Till then... I would like to share some peektures:D It's a wonderful Saturday afternoon:)

A little too vulgar for my taste, but it conveys the message just fine:)

One question I always asked myself.

It's November!

2010-11-03T19:37:00.000+08:00

I'll admit that I'm a very VERY irregular blogger- sometimes I write once every few days, sometimes, I don't write for weeks. I don't write for a multitude of reasons, but not having anything to write about is definitely not one. It's the exact opposite. There are so many things that I think about, debate about, struggle with within myself, and I find it really hard to pen it down. I can't get it organised. It's the same for my paper 1 essays... but at least the teachers are there to help me with that one. But seeing as how the IB exams have already started, I think it is unwise to discuss any more academic details (ie. my insufficiencies) on this blog until I can say that it is safely behind me, because believe me, it is taking its toll. It ain't like O levels where you breeze through (relatively) easily.

I have this urge to write during the exams NOT because I have too much time on my hands (I wish:)), but because what I am observing really astounds and alarms me.

Biology paper 2 was over yesterday, and the first thing I hear when we stepped out of the exam hall? No, it isn't 'thank you God' or 'I think I got everything right' or 'Yay, it's over.'The first thing I heard was, 'I got through IB Biology without having done a single genetics question.' The person I heard it from, I'll admit, studies really hard (like, remembers nearly every single thing in Allot:D) and works hard at it. But there's this uneasiness in me as I walked away from the exam hall- is this really what our education systems are molding students to become? You don't have to know everything to get a 7 (which, when you tell people you did, they'll think that you're a Biology genius). You just have to be lucky, pray really hard, and know about 80% of your

things. Is it fair when that student gets a 7(deservingly, or undeserving, you decide), but another student who understands the concepts and KNOW what he/she is talking about, but struggles a little with expressing her concepts in the words that appear in the markschemes get a 5, or maybe 6?

I think it isn't (though that's just my view). What we are really crushing here is not just a student's score, but her future. Yes, it sounds funny when you talk about how a biology grade can affect your life. But it really can. What if that student is denied med school because of that grade? Med school's really competitive you know. What if, that student, who used to be so confident about her academic abilities, and who believes that hard work and true understanding pays of, has his/her faith crushed by such an academic system?

Universities, schools, companies get your resume, but what they don't get is how much (or rather, how little) you worked to get what you did. They don't witness what I witnessed. The system's not fair to all the students out there who belong in the second category. I am a little angry at that, because you know what? Not all the best and the brightest are picked for scholarships, internships and jobs. Some, yes. ALL? NO.

You can tell me, 'But that's why they always have an interview in the selection rounds.' I have two points to make: One, that to get an interview to show them who you really are, they need to first SELECT YOU FOR THAT INTERVIEW BASED ON YOUR RESUME. Two, that there are people who happen be extremely linguistically adept and can talk their way through interviews, impressing people and getting through (when in actuality, they don't give a sh*t(pardon my coarseness).

I also feel that there is a problem on internship forms when they ask you to pick the industries that you want to work in in the future. Does it mean that if I'm unsure, and I want to try, but if I place your institution that as my second choice, will it make you drop me from your interview list? If I am applying fro two internships with two governmental institutions, does it make me sound like a hypocrite? Like someone who is confused? Like someone who is indecisive? Will both cut me from their interview lists, leaving me high and dry with nothing? Will I be forced to spend my holidays wondering if I would have made the interview selections if I placed one of the institutions as first choice (even though I am not really sure)?

I attended countless of career talks, which are supposedly aimed at helping teenagers like me make an informed choice. But what I ended up getting out of most of these talks are always the same. One, that every institution that you apply to would love to know that they're your first choice. Two, that most scholarship boards give scholarships with the intent to lock down talents early (hence binding them with scholarships) and they want to know that you have thought about your career path and is resolute about following it through with your scholarship institution of choice (which you made when you are an 18 year old). Many people I spoke with

after the talks, like scholarship recipients, some of whom I personally know, tell me that they regret it sometimes, and at their age (early 20s) are not sure about whether it is right for them. I mean, they are very very lucky to have gotten the scholarship, but as usual, me being me, I cannot help but wonder if, in their place, someone who had been very enthusiastic about the career, who are perhaps more sure than those people, have been denied a chance because their resume didn't look as good, or because they don't express/represent themselves well enough to impress those interviewers. It's a thought that bites, that erodes my faith in the system slowly as the days pass.

There are so many issues that I haven't even written about, or even talked to someone about, that I cannot finish discussing in this entry even if I am given the next two hours to write. Really. I not saying that the entire system is hypocritical, or nonsense or anything like that. I acknowledge that it has its plus points, and as with everything in life, is not perfect and can never be, even though we always talk about striving for perfection. Maybe the next time I can write about how I regret my subject combination (like I don;t whine about that enough to people I talk to:/) but at the same time, how it has made me stronger.

Really. If I had a chance to speak to our minister of education, or rather, just a curriculum developer or holistic education planner (is there such a post??) from MOE, without having to fear tarnishing the reputation of the institution I represent, or leaving a black mark on my transcripts, or from being negatively judged as a rebel of the system which has 'benefited' many, I would love to debate about all these issues. And maybe help them see what education is like from a student's point of view. Maybe it can help them save the money of hiring experts (who have probably been out of school for more years than you think), and analysts (who work with more stats than students/teachers) and help them see what can be done to help students across board. Not just the creme de la creme, but the average, the mediocre, those with abilities, those with ambitions, those who are not getting the education they crave and wish for.

But knowing that I probably will never get the chance to meet any one of the persons I mentioned in the paragraph above, I would still like to make a few suggestions here just to know that maybe someone will read it, agree, or simply, just consider the issue. And when they go on to do great things, or be in positions where they can do something, to remember this entry written by the 18 year old me, and think about the issue(s) at hand from the point of view of a student.

When wanting to conduct lesson observations, DO NOT inform the teacher before hand (that way, you get a real feel of what lesson is really like, not what it could be with three days of preparation which we all know teachers don't have, because they have so many other roles besides just educating us). Next time you want to teach things in a new way, such as

PBL, don't worry so much about the academic grades of the students it produces, but think about whether or not you have successfully created independent, curious thinkers who really are interested in the world. Cos these are the people who will go on to invent the next big thing, to discover the new cure, to inspire many more others. People who lack this fire but get straight As might make it to the Ivy Leagues of academic education, but chances are that they are not going to get any further.

I feel so liberated (almost), after writing about some of the things which have been troubling me. Sometimes I feel that I don't think like an 18 year old-we are supposed to be spontaneous, to be rash (sometimes), to perhaps do things we will laugh at 10 years later when we recall it- and that I think of a lot of issues that I cannot do anything about except write and talk about it, like I am an old soul trapped in a youthful body (funny isn't it, because usually, its the other way around:)). I like to think that one day, I can change the world for my (future) children. But why is reality so handicapping?

I would really like to tell you that:

I would also love to say with confidence that the future is:But the reality is that, at this age,
And sometimes, this is how I feel:

Most of the time,
I don't mean to say that the future is bleak. I have just one question that I pray everyday that someone can answer:
Have you ever felt like you can see yourself now and ten years later, but you don't know how to get from here to there?

realism

2010-10-13T22:31:00.003+08:00

i guess being realistic is more important than anything else. and that in this last lap, one should do everything to keep yourself positive and upbeat, mind filled with possibilities of what can be. yup. possibilities:) but i found that a little difficult to do mainly because going to school unavoidably can mean getting put down, dampened, or merely, emotional. now that school is over, and all that is between me and IB exams are 20 days and a lot of hours in the study room at the community center, i am alot happier. it's nice to be away from all the stress i feel in school, even though it may or may not be intentional- i feel like i've grown more short tempered than ever. not snapping at people or anything though, cos i can at least keep that to myself and stay nice, like who i really am.

they said that they never meant to compare, but isn't that all we really do? compare it to last year's cohort. compare it to the level msg. compare it to class msg. compare it to your previous set of grades. not exactly hidden isn't it? comparison can serve as a wake up call- i got that a long time ago, thank you VERY MUCH- but it can also make people worry unnecessarily and think too much, and end up getting distracted from what they are supposed to do. i strongly feel that comparison ought to be stopped. children should not be made to feel that they are inferior to others because they have 10 less marks in all their subjects from their friends, neither should they be made to feel apologetic for the good grades they have gotten, that they don't deserve it. i now see the allure of homeschooling. does the pros of retaining your self-confidence and esteem outweigh the benefits of school in developing social and other holistic skills?

i've met teachers who made every student feel like they can, like they are his/her best students. my higher mother tongue teacher never compares us with the rest of the class- she consults with us individually, and charts our journey of improvement with our past grades. that is what should be implemented across the boards. god knows how much students can improve when they feel that they have the ability to do well. teachers who pick on the weaker students in class, or in the other extremity, ignore them might do that because

1) they want to keep the student on his/her feet and hence, study hard at home before going for class

2) they want to protect the student from the embarrassment of not knowing the answer and feeling awkward in class.

indeed, the intentions were honorable, but the effects of such actions are often the reverse of how they intend for it to be. they might not know it, and they might never know it, because which smart student would actually confront his/her teacher, especially when they themselves are not doing as well as expected of them in that subject? i'm not claiming that this does not work, but what is the percentage of success in such a course of action? if the probability of it succeeding is less than say, 0.8, then what is the point of adopting such course of actions when you destroy more than you help?

i might have rambled a little, but after being in the education system since i was three, i think the experience i have had speaks volume. i considered being a teacher after thinking about it a lot and coming up with these points and more- i want to help children be proud of who they are, and their abilities. to score children with their academic intelligence in this day and age might work now, and had worked for the past few decades, but will it work, by itself, in the future? yes, the emphasis on such is correct. but more recognition should be given to their co-curricular and their interests/hobbies too, not just a CCA certificate and a personal statement.

when you look at a child who is struggling, you might see a child who is destined to be an employee instead of employer, who will stay in a HDB flat rather than a condo, who will go to poly instead of a JC- but all of those are just prejudices.

when you are a teacher, and you look at a child who is struggling, you can see a child who is willing to work ten times harder to make up for the lack of talent, who will one day find out what he is great at where others are mediocre, that wherever he goes, no matter what educational route he takes, he will end up contributing to the society he lives in. when you are a teacher, you look beyond prejudices- you uncover potential.

i'm not spreading propaganda or anything else, whatsoever, but i'm writing how i really feel about this:) i am entitled to my own opinion.

Nerves for the SAT

2010-10-07T22:09:00.002+08:00

I'm really getting the nerves for the SAT that i'm gonna take on saturday. i'll need at least a decent 2100 in order to apply to the colleges that i'm intending to apply for. Seems so hard, doesn't it? but when you break it down, which is what i am FANTASTIC at doing, it doesn't seem that hard. the only tricky thing about SAT is that if you get an answer wrong, they deduct 0.25 from the 1 point that you gain when you get the answer right. need to work your way around this by choosing either to:

A) omit your answer (don't risk losing 0.25 marks, but zero chances of getting it right)

B) eliminate to the best of your ability, then 'tikam' the answer and PRAY that you get it right.

the trick to this is that because the final sum of your marks for a section is rounded UPWARDS, i can afford to 'tikam' for THREE questions, because that means subtracting 0.75 from my total points gained, round upwards, and NOT LOSE ANY THING:) smart? i finally figured it out after doing TWO, FULL SAT PAPERS. guess it pays off:) have been improving, so i'm quite happy, and if i improve a little bit more on sat, like the 'trend' i'm observing now, i'm well on way to a 2100. i wish it was THAT EASY- for the first time, i contemplate the fact that if life follows a mathematical trend (a positive one, of course:)), it may not be that bad after all.

and the essay in the writing section? WHOA. i can't even properly describe it in words: the closest i can come up with is that it is DECEPTIVELY SIMPLE. but i happily wrote away just now, and the computer marked it for me (online, real time) and i achieved a perfect score:) now, this miracle just needs to repeat itself, then i'm a big step closer to 2100. positive energy, all channeled towards this:) initially, we thought that it would be like having to write a TOK essay, but we realised that it is almost like a expository, a debate sort of, more like, talking to a very educated friend (ie. the marker) about your life, or like, well, for the lack of words (again), a diary entry.

going to review my mistakes now: keep your fingers crossed for me won't you? i hope that i'll get what i wish for. they say good things come to those who wait- i've waited my whole life to go to uni.

they say it's always the darkest just before it goes pitch-black. i say that there is always light at the end of the tunnel:D

27 days away

2010-10-05T20:14:00.002+08:00

Been through so many paper reviews that i'm sort of numb already. Just all the questions that we went through during the exams flashing before my very eyes, and surprisingly, all that i recall is mostly a big fat blank.

i couldn't help but wonder if its a form of uncontrolled suppression of bad memories- that i did the paper so badly that i suppress any recollections of it psychologically so that i can repress that bad memories. perhaps. a simpler way of explaining that big fat blank might be that the end of exams took an edge off the stress tremendously, and when i relax, i simply don't memorise what i wrote in my answers, because, very simply, i'll get them back. i know it. for sure. not that i have a bad memory whatsoever:) the latter does sound better, and more convincing.

sat through bio paper review today, and guess what? madam said that i improved. not in leaps and bounds like i would like it, but an improvement is an improvement nonetheless, and so, i'm happy. in the littlest sense only though, because i expect so much more from myself. i owe it to myself, to my parents, to my teachers, to do well in the exams, because after so much has been put in, its time to reap what they sowed.

daddy, despite being very busy, fetches al and i to school every morning, rain or shine, at 6.40am, despite him starting work only at 9.30am. this is what i call dedication and love i guess, and i know that i am loved. you don't measure love and commitment using the big, independent events which happens on special occasions- it's a sum of all the small things put together. yes, i sat down and talked to dad and mum about my university studies. i want to go overseas to pursue my degree of interest, but i don't want to place a financial strain on my parents for four years just to fulfill my wants. i want an overseas education, but i don't need it- i can study locally, just not the specific subject area that i want to. i don't see this as settling for less, but i see this as being practical, and by doing so, shows how much i love the two people who have raised me. i think this is really important.

you hear about people who have the names of all the ivy leagues off their fingertips, and financial burden does not even appear in their dictionary. yeah, i feel envious. so? we should live within our means- and this is one value i was raised with. my grandparents only had primary school education, my grandmothers didn't go to school at all. they raised my parents with the aim of putting them through secondary school, and they did it- they did better for their children then they ever had themselves. my parents raised al and i with the aim of putting us through local university- doing better for us than what they had themselves- and i really really appreciate this, and i completely understand where they are coming from. daddy worked for years before earning the money to put himself through night schools to earn those diplomas and degrees. i'm lucky i don't have to. guess the grass is always greener on the other side, that's why i'm typing all of these down- to make myself remember and know how lucky i am, and grass, be it this side or that side, is always green. grass on my side is as green as the grass on the other side because we share the same air, water and sunlight (ie. education opportunities, schooling system etc). heck the soil. though i sometimes do wish that people don't boast about it so openly, because there is a certain pressure, and sadness.

now back to practising for the SATs. my last words? the very words that conned me into taking biology hl.

To see the world in a grain of sand, and to see heaven in a wildflower, hold infinity in the palm of your hands, and eternity in an hour.

-William Blake

2010-09-25T16:42:00.003+08:00

i totally cannot kick my gear into studying- not when the end is so close. one more day of the ever-so-long prelims before i say goodbye to it as it flies outta the window. yet i'm already relaxing, giving myself the leeway to watch gossip girl, america's next top model, project runway etc instead of revising.

what the heck is wrong with me? i absolutely cannot understand. i just have higher activation energy i suppose, and i know that i can do it, with just a little bit of effort. i don't need to read something ten times to remember it. if it interests me, one read is all it takes. maybe 2, if the content's a little bit factual, because i've got that focus that helps me retain it. i just need to find that focus. ha! easier said than done, don't you think?

i like thinking about a life beyond mine: there are so many things that seem so much more important. saving the oceans, helping the afghan people, resolving the food problem, finding a way to live in a sustainable manner, resolving diplomatic issues between countries that have been plaguing the world for decades, finding a cure for cancer. all these big big things plus all the other smaller things that matter in life- helping people find their self esteem and confidence, ending abuse, racial harmony, going in the right direction in one's life. all these thoughts swirl around in my head, and there's nothing more than anything that i can want than to be able to just retreat into these thoughts, think about all these things and figure out why they matter so much, and why the world hasn't been able to come to a resolution, or rather, resolutions, about them. i want to do my part to help, but me being me where i am now, there's little i can do to impact these decisions, but i refuse to let these cripple me- my time will come, i promise:) right now, the most important thing to do is study to get the grades i need to get me where i want to be.

when you think a little deeper, you realise that it all seems doable- because they ARE. maybe you just need the right person, the right situation, the right shove in the right direction, and it all boils down to an IT. an IT noone knows what it is yet, but they will soon find out. history is an interesting thing, because every day, the subject area gets a little bigger, the things we can learn from, be it catastrophic events or just another yesterday in our lives. this is why i love history. people living in the 1930s would never have expected world war two would they? or expect to survive it? but some of them are here today, evidence to the world that world war two happened, and they lived through it. it's the same for us. we are living in the 2000s, soon to be 2010s, no one can predict with a day in their life now will become a very important moment in history half a century later.

that's why, live your life to the fullest, to the best that it can be, and give all of yourself everyday, leaving no space for regrets. because time cannot turn backwards, and what you did or did not do can never happen at the same time and place, again. i'd say go with your guts. you don't have to live dangerously (like living on the edge) to do that. you just need to believe in yourself, and know that opportunities don't find you- you find them, and grab them tightly so they cannot flit right out of the door way into someone else's. there's often no time for hesitation.

Ghandi once said that man is but the product of his thoughts. what you think, you are. think yourself to be who you want to be, and you will be. it's a matter of time:)

i think of myself as a foreign service officer, and then diplomat. i can.

now back to how edge enhancement works:(

pulling my socks up.

2010-09-03T22:48:00.004+08:00

Every single day seems so routine now- wake up, wanna laze in bed but no, i have to get up, get ready for school, reach school, lessons, study, SAC, monopoly deal, home, dinner, internet, sleep. repeat this for n times, and you get what i call my life (see? i've resorted to using math now in my analogies).

Perhaps the only bright spark now is my school life- the only reason why i laugh/smile anymore (besides the courteous smiles to food vendors/sales lady etc). thank god for the group of friends i have, and our watertight friendships. it's amazing. squeezing 10 people onto a table with bench that can accommodate 9, playing monopoly deal while eating, talking about relationships, life, and people in general, complaining every single time we have to climb the non air-conditioned, non-automated stairs for FIVE LEVELS before reaching the year 6 level, but still climbing every single time. forming a long human chain, clinging on to each other's bag while climbing up the stairs (in an attempt to give the boys free workout but lugging us girls up the stairs), laughing at all the silly things we say in a moment of light-headedness- gosh, i live for those moments. PE is a period where i laugh non-stop for an hour and a half while playing badminton (i can't understand why some classes deliberately skip PE!?) and i'm so sad that we had our last PE lesson yesterday, but i'll cherish those memories still.

And i realise that one thing we girls started saying to each other is how cute the sec one kids are in their oversized berms. either that or gushing about how only the guys from AC are so gentlemanly (most of the time:)). holding doors open for us, helping us buy drinks/return plates, giving up their seats for us, taking notes for us when we're absent etc etc. i'm gonna miss all of those. sometimes when i just don't feel like working on my stupid analytic chem worksheet, i stop, think about school days, and i can't help but smile.

I was stupid to have worried about whether or not i would truly fit in, because i've grown to realise that if anything, AC fits you- you don't have to struggle to fit it. it's a nice feeling to know that. if only choices in life were this easy, if only they always work out, if only every time we can look back and say confidently that 'i didn't regret this' (like i have for the past 6 years), what a life it would be. yet now, it's the year for choices once more, and this time, like all times, i am unsure, hesitant and stressed. more so than any time in the past 6 years. it's scary. no wonder all my sec sch teachers tell me this: 2 years in JC are the real tough years- triumph that and uni is a breeze. what good advice:) but first, i need people to tell me how to triumph this.

if JC experience can be framed by an equation, i think i've gotten it figured out:

[friendships x laughter x mistakes] divided by [IAs + EE + TOK + wearing non-sch socks + coloured hair ties etc]

get yourself a huge numerator (seeing as how denominator is really a constant, denoted by IB, maybe a little smaller if you don't occasionally flout school rules - well, who haven't?) and you're set to enjoy the two years (maybe not so much the last two months, like, NOW till november) and gather a lifetime worth of memories to savour:)

and now i'm going back to figuring out what compound it is that the HNMR spectra is for=.= not that in the real world, any one would need it, because we have something called databases (thank god:))

aargh.

but i need to end on a positive note, because i am determined to prove that morning devotion speaker wrong- that we do write about positive things on our blogs/journals:)

so good night:) sweet dreams of sugar coated butter cookies that melt in your mouth.

to my future self

2010-08-23T20:52:00.003+08:00

it seems to be the fad lately: so i shall follow suit. i'll write a note to my future self, and maybe revisit this 6 months or a year later.

Dear Eileen,

I hope you're where you want to be the most. I know that the path to where you are may not have been the easiest of path, but you were never one to give up in the face of adversity. It may not be exactly where you want to be, but treasure what you have and I hope you have chosen wisely. You may not yet know the full consequence of your decision now, but whatever it was, know that it was the best option for you then when you made it.

I hope that you're happy and smiling most of the days, that you'll still in touch with those you hold dear to you, and that you found it in yourself to give generously and receive with an open heart. Perhaps there are days when you find yourself wondering, as you often do, whether or not you did the right thing, walked down the right path, met the right person but for whatever reasons, gave that person up, or maybe even not find the person yet. But whatever you do, remember that you have a group of really special friends around you, friends who mean the world to you, and whom you should keep in touch with.

You might have gotten an intern somewhere, and no matter whether you like it or not, remember- you applied for it yourself, so you must give your best, and then you will come to love it. Give everything and everyone a chance, don't condemn things or people. Be open to opinions and suggestions, and trust that it will benefit you someday, if not now.

You past self,

Eileen

23 August 2010

thomas daley

2010-08-22T22:19:00.002+08:00

I was watching the YOG men's 3m springboard event, largely because my favourite diver, thomas daley, affectionately known as tom daley, from great britain is diving:) unfortunately, he had a small tear in his tricep from a previous competition some weeks back, and he had to pull out of his pet event- the 10m platform dive- but thankfully, he was given the green light by his physiotherapist to participate in the 3m dive- something he had not competed in since 2008.

there were fantastic dives, near perfect dives during the finals. there was one bad dive, a near complete flop, as the commentator puts it, that pulled him out of the race for a medal. it was his third dive out of five that was a disaster. yet he recovered, and went on to do two respectable, very good dives to end his evening, finishing 8th out of 12 competitors in the finals.

his spirit really is very commendable, and his attitude, even more so. there are so many things, i realise, that we can learn from athletes like tom. never say die, never give up. that one good dive does not ensure you another, just like how one bad dive does not mean you'll keep getting it wrong. it's like life isn't it, come to think of it- one bad grade does not make successive bad grades, not unless you let yourself be emotionally affected by it. understand where you gone wrong and how, find out how to correct it and we can move on:)

some things had gone wrong during the last common test, results i'm not proud of, though not spectacularly bad, its nothing good either. time to buck up i suppose, and study hard. seem to have lost a bit of gas for studying cause i got quite dejected after the common tests:/ putting up a happy face sometimes make it so much easier to get past life because pity is unappreciated. i promise to buck up now. tom daley, world champion at the FINA world championships in rome last year is a good example. we have our good times and bad, and there are two ways we can live through them.

1) dwell in the bad times and have occasional not-so-bad times.
2) learn the lesson from the bad time and store it, focusing on living in a happier time:)

it's our choice to make, our life to live, and our smile to share. i can't be everything to everyone no matter how hard i try, so i promise- i'll be something special to someone:) at least, to myself. i suppose i'll go do some chem nuggets with all the positive energy i'm feeling now, then go off to dreamland in search of my sunflower fields and that little cottage with a cow.

good night:) and i hope you get some of those positive vibes this post is radiating:D

one last thing before i end:

THOMAS DALEY, GREAT BRITAIN, WORLD 10M MEN CHAMPION @ ROMA 2009. drool ladies, drool. guys, appreciate:)

Another hurdle crossed

2010-08-18T17:19:00.004+08:00

Finally, IOC was over today. After weeks of preparation... it was one of the exams i feel extremely prepared for, and i am glad i did. Despite having to read Wilfred Owen, Robert Frost, Wole Soyinka and Shakespeare, preparing nearly one hundred pages of notes (every single page compiled and typed out by MYSELF) it does seem pretty worth it. I feel this swell of pride when ever i look at my set of notes, or just think about it. i had come a long way. the painstaking reading of King Lear by William Shakespeare cover to cover? well worth the effort:) pouring through senior's notes, coming up with my own--i don't do that every day, but i'm glad i did it. spend the whole day yesterday preparing for poems, but in the end i got Shakespeare. but i am thankful for it. i'm beginning to fall in love with Shakespeare already... and poems are now tolerable, unlike last time when i can't even understand them properly. i seriously didn't learn much about analysing poems in secondary school, or maybe it is something that comes with age? but whatever the case, i am happy that its over. extremely so. but now, more hurdles remain ahead... IB exams? let's deal with prelims first:)

Many others made do with just the notes from our seniors, but i have my own way of doing things, and though i seemed a tad bit longer (a lot actually, to tell the truth) cos i made my notes from scratch, it is well worth it. although the journey was infinitely hard and i just wanted to give up and rely on my seniors' notes, but i didn't. i do think that my notes are extremely comprehensive, if i do say so myself. maybe i can sell it to the juniors next year--donate half the profits to charity, another half to my education funds. sounds like a great plan.

been hooked to the olympic games too, namely three sports- swimming, gymnastics and diving. like, WOW. the standards of the youths who are here for the games are pretty high, and it is so amazing to see them compete-i didn't have time to catch the beijing olympics (not a lot of it) cos of o level prelims, so now i feast my eyes on the stars of tomorrow. australian gymnast angela donald and the chinese gymnast chen sixin (did i get it right?) were great:) especially lived their balance beam performance!

swimmers... well, they're all so well built (i only watch the mens race, haha:D) love the moments when they announce who's swimming in which lanes representing which countries and then the swimmers wave and remove their jackets. what an eyeful:) i sound deprived, but well, someone needs to appreciate those good bodies they got after hours of training right?

and diving? it hasn't happened yet, but i wanna watch the two divers, qiu bo from china and thomas daley from england. the sizzling tension! hopefully daley gets the go ahead from his physiotherapist to participate (cos he pulled a tricep muscle just weeks ago) then my wish will come true! YAY:) it's looking good...

and that's all i suppose. nothing i did was majorly interesting, except that i was a torchbearer for the youth olympic and i ran outside my primary school last thursday:D pic of me with the mp who was running next to me:D all the kids were cheering!! it was amazing:)

oh, and i found a place where i want to go to for a holiday, preferably in the near future- Baa Atoll in Maldives. Look at the pristine waters, and the satin sand. how can anyone not want to go there?
it's nice to have a happy and exciting post once in awhile, don't you think?:)

stop it.

2010-08-10T23:01:00.004+08:00

i hate it when you tell me what to do and how to do it, and force it upon me when i obviously have my own way of doing it.

i hate it when you belittle what i am doing, because you think that there are more important things which i should (and AM) doing, because those things you belittle are the things that mean the world to me.

i hate it when i am condemned because of one tiny thing i didn't achieve and therefore the reins are tightened, considerably.

i like reminders, but i hate constant reminders of painful episodes which i am trying to give a closure to.

i hate it when you threaten me and there's nothing i can do about it.

i hate it that i am so weak for not being able to stand up against you.

i hate it that i seem to be losing control and no one is there to catch me after that soon-to-be inevitable fall.

i hate being rebuffed when i ask questions because i genuinely do not KNOW, and worse still, reprimanded for asking (can you blame me for my lack of faith then?)

i hate it that i've been feeling a lot more negative recently than i have been in weeks and nothing i do alleviates it permanently.

i hate it that i can't seem to make myself focus on what is important though its there, staring in my face, asking for my undiluted attention.

i hate it when i am wrong (thankfully, rare enough, thanks to my common sense).

i hate all the last minutes things that i do, and all my half hearted attempts, though god knows i am trying to change that.

i hate that i really am set on my goal of attaining a scholarship and studying overseas but the whole path to getting to that goal is foggy and i don't know enough (i promise i will fight for this, if only to study what i love:))

i hate it when the fact that i have no future studying what i intend to study is reiterated, and my explanations fall on death ears (THERE IS A FUTURE, a bright one, if i fight for it the way i intend to)

that's about it. it's a long list, but many of the items on this list can be improved upon (luckily:D) and i am going about doing it. i want to win the right way, doing what i love.

thank you very much. i believe in making goals and sticking to them. compromising is in this case, ineffective and uncalled for- it only shows how you have not thought through what you want and how to go about getting it.

your body never lies

2010-08-03T20:42:00.003+08:00

Our body never lies. When we do something good, we feel the goodness blooming from inside out, as if we are glowing. When we feel stress, something is off balance, and we need to restore that balance before we can feel good about ourselves again.

I feel like my body's thrown off balance, derailed. i get the feeling of wanting to run away, far far away. i know what work needs to be done, what can be done, but i don't want to do it. rather, don't feel like doing it. Not that i'm escaping from something effortless, but well, sometimes, school is simply exhausting. with the added stress of snide comments with hidden meanings that i no longer have energy to decipher.

PTM was a huge mistake. the school organises it with good intentions of allowing parents to keep track of their kid's progress, to allow for communication between parents and teachers, but the ultimate victim of this unfortunate meeting is the kid. i did better than my common test last year- but i am feeling so much for stressed up this time round. i don't know what my teachers said to my mum, though i know that it is not very bad stuff. but everyone says things like, 'i'm confident that eileen can do very well as long as she puts in her effort.' and one even asked my mum if i studied. and when my mum said that ever since primary school, i was left to study on my own, she got another question in response: 'have you ever seen her sit down and open a book?' i felt kind of insulted. i understand that it was asked with the best intentions, but it is so hurtful:( and it is so hard to reconcile the two feelings. of course i open my books. me not doing well in that particular subject is NOT BECAUSE I DIDN'T STUDY, it is because i misinterpreted the questions of the essays. i lost ALL MY MARKS THERE, and nowhere else. how many times must i say it for it to sink in? i think my teacher finally realised that in class, and that was such a wonderful encouragement. oh, that glorious feeling of being able to anything at all, that there is so much unexplored potential in you. i promise that if i have a kid next time, i'll give lots of that:) i try to give that to my cousins too, cos it is SO HARD to get this idea that encouragement works better than digging up old stories and harping on it, because, i assure you, it is TRIED AND TESTED, and reverse psychology does NOT work in the area of grades.

i explain it to my teachers. then i go home and explain it to my parents again. and this cycle repeats. i hate it that i have to tear open fresh scabs over not-so-old wounds and keep feeling the pain. one bad grade? understand where you've gone wrong and then MOVE ON. what is it with adults and all the harping on one bad grade? it only results in the domino effect that makes you feel progressively worse, then makes you lose all hope, when in fact, when i first got that grade, i had come to terms with it. then now i feel unsure about myself and my ability and i just feel like crap every day when i wake up. friends make me feel a little better, but well, teachers aren't helping a lot if they keep seeing me as a student who is not putting in effort. because i am.

enough with hurtful words. it was nice to get it off my chest and store those in the form of words in one little of cyberspace that is rarely visited. really, sometimes, i think i should grow up and become a child psychology expert- because i really understand how we feel. i've been through all that. i once had this conversation with a six year old while working at a child care center during the hols as a teacher.

felix: how do you know if you are not a children (well, he mixed up his singular and plural), but an adult like mummy?

me: erm, well, when you grow up, finish school and start working [trying to put it in 6 year old terms]

felix: really?

me: uh-huh.

felix: [offers me his hello panda that his mum packed for him for recess] teacher, do you want? [i was surprised cos i always make him stay back to write his sentences cos his words are so messy, but cute:))

me: [i took one] thank you, felix.

later at the playground, we were playing chasing, and suddenly, i became a chaser because i was the only non-moving target (sitting on the bench and looking out for the kids). i was laughing so hard chasing them, and them, me.

then felix said, 'teacher, you are just a children.' i looked at his hair that was plastered to his forehead, his glowing cheeks and the wonder in his eyes. and then i laughed.

'why, felix?'

'because you laugh so much, like me. adults don't laugh alot.' well, i don't mind being a child for life i suppose:)

every time i feel a little disconcerted or down (which is increasing in frequency these days), i think about our conversation. i try to smile, if not laugh. smile, because the world deserves the best you've got:)

Purpose

2010-07-29T20:51:00.004+08:00

You can't doubt. If you doubt, then that's it. The biggest thing is staying positive and imagining that anything's possible. Because it really is. You can't put a limit on anything.

i believe there's a purpose for every person you meet in this world.

some will test you.

some might use you.

some can hurt you.

some will teach you.

some always bring out the best in you.

others cause you pain but teach you how to move on.

we just need to learn to let go of people who can't treat us right.

and hold on tightly to those who love us and see our worth.

what the world needs is us.

just us and our smiles:)

Everything in moderation

2010-07-28T22:15:00.003+08:00

Tired, tired tired. The feeling of your eyelids drooping in the oh-so-enticing manner, practically shouting out at you to close your eyes for a moment, your brain telling you that the teacher won't notice it, and that it is, afterall, just one moment.

It is so easy to give in to temptation. I always get the feeling that it is harder to do the right thing:( and its increasingly harder to stay cheerful amid all the gloomy results and the even gloomier prospect of having to explain the former. i keep repeating this: it IS a one off thing, and i promise it won't happen again. i can't even explain it properly myself, because i seem to auto-substitute the words that i read on the question papers. its definitely NOT that i don't know my stuffs, and you can sort of see it from my answers. why is it then i have to answer the somewhat ludicrous question of, "did you really open your book to study?"

And then this thing about daddy flying off overseas for work. i didnt use to feel the impact of it in secondary school, cos i usually can hitch a ride with classmates/council mates who live in the next block. but now? i realise how much i am hating public transport in singapore. especially in the early hours of the morning. without daddy's usual lift to school, i wake up 30 mins earlier everyday, leave the house 20 minutes earlier, and i still reach school 20 minutes later. it is really getting on my nerves. like REALLY GETTING ON MY NERVES.

i get to the mrt station and what does the tv screen say? next train, 6 mins. then for the next 3 mins, it still flashes 6 minutes. HELLO, doesn't that equate to 9 minutes already? then when i get on the train, i get a seat, only to have to give it up after say, one or two stops. not that i am complaining about giving the seats up-- it is right to give it up to people who need it more than me, but hello, i am wasting productive minutes (saying this makes me feel like a nerd who walks around with notes every minute of my free time, which i am NOT, though i am trying to emulate this example)

and my arms ache from carrying my file and book. and people nudge me around. and i get really short tempered. i hate getting to school on the dot, or late. i like being early. I LOVE BEING EARLY. sitting at the SAC, chatting a little with doro, then reading a set of notes just before morning assembly, accompanied by a cup of teh-o is my favourite-est habit in the world. then on the bus. let's just say that by the time we get off at the bus stop, i am feeling almost murderous. ALMOST. and then when i get home at night i read an article on yahoo about how the ministry says that the public transport has not yet reached their serving capacity. it is SO

EASY for them to release statements of such, but lemme just pose one question: does our transport minister, or any minister for that fact, take public transport to work every morning on weekdays, be it rain or shine? not that i am criticising the public transport, which i'll admit, is extremely clean and usually on time (as stated on the tv screen). but, please, understand my pain.

i go to school , so tired and stressed about my work, then on the way to school, i can't even get any peace and quiet or even thinking time. another week of this and i will seriously consider skipping school in the morn JUST TO AVOID THE WORK CROWD (ok, maybe not skip, but well, find some other way:)) thank god daddy's coming home on thurs night. i miss him terribly. and i miss him sending me to school.

come back soon. thursday night can't come fast enough:X and i have to endure another day of public transport tomorrow morning. i am at my wits end. SAVE ME.

i think i will need shoulders broader than a swimmer's or a rugger's for that matter to bear with public transport in the morning.

Heavyweight

2010-07-21T22:38:00.002+08:00

I can't find words to describe my emotions and thoughts which are running all over the place. and my body isn't helping by responding negatively to stress. i shall quote my way through this post: afterall, quotes are my favourite-est thing in the world, after pooh, after baking, and after babies that smell like baby powder:)

It took me some time to realise this, but sometimes, what you want isn't always what you get, but in the end, what you get is so much better than what you wanted.

I don't want to end up making promises I have no intention of keeping or say things that I don't feel.

There are some hurts that you will never completely get over. And you think that time will diminish their presence, and to a degree, it does, but it still hurts, because well, hurt hurts.

There are things we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go.

And well, these quotes have adequately attempt to sum up my feelings. although i promise, in the name of all the goodness in this universe (however little) that in the prelims, the comments my examiners will give is, "Good use of examples.. etc etc, excellent analysis and clear presentation." instead of "Accurate and succinct analysis in the first two pages, but the third page unfortunately contained misinterpretations... etc". Seriously. Such mistakes make me want to jump off the nearest building and destroy all the cats in my neighbourhood by bleeding them dry. well, not as severe. but, get my point?

ok. end of story. the end. but no happily ever afters. life is always unfair. sometimes in your favour, sometimes not.

The way we were

2010-07-20T20:40:00.004+08:00

Mem'ries,

Light the corners of my mind

Misty water-colored memories

Of the way we were

Scattered pictures,

Of the smiles we left behind

Smiles we gave to one another

For the way we were

Can it be that it was all so simple then?

Or has time re-written every line?

If we had the chance to do it all again

Tell me, would we? Could we?

Mem'ries, may be beautiful and yet

What's too painful to remember

We simply choose to forget

So it's the laughter

We will remember

Whenever we remember...

The way we were...

-'The Way We Were' by Barbra Streisand

we ordered pizza to class today, and it was a really fab deal because pizza hut had 45% discount for pizzas that you order online. what to say? we are all suckers for discounts... and all the advertisers know it too. i always wonder if they purposefully mark up the prices, then offer discounts to make it seem like it is a really great deal, playing on our perceptions of what the real cost of this thing should be, and what is their profit margin. if canadian pizza can offer their pizzas 2 for the price of 1, all year round, why don't they just sell one pizza at half that price? that way, people who want to buy just one pizza can then order without worrying about what to do about the second free pizza that they don't want.sometimes, i order from pizza hut because of that:) although i must say that pizzas from pizza hut just taste better- i wonder if its simply a placebo effect? we think it tastes better because we paid more for it. we all seem to be indoctrinated as we grow up in this society that price equates quality. but enough with this debate... either way, the main thing is that consumers do benefit from competition between the pizza chains, so come on, unleash all your competitiveness! BRING IT ON:) plus, i am no economics student, so happily, i don't need to know all the economic concepts behind all the advertisements. i'm a happy history student:)

today's one day of school that will always be embedded into my memories, the day we all gathered around munching on pizzas, talking, laughing, joking, finding out each others' quirky eating habits and preferences. this is truly what i call friends:) i love them. alot:) i'll never forget the guys scraping cheese stuck to the cardboard box they deliver pizzas in. and them eying that one last slice left. it's the laughter we will remember, not the bad grades that we will be getting tomorrow. i guess this is some comfort or something:)

alas, we cannot escape the bad grades. all the dread i feel when we went through the answers were mounting in me for the past week. i don't know if i can sleep tonight. but i'll try. sometimes, it is so depressing to see that your efforts don't pay off, and people who claim not to study or have not studied and who were absent from school, i can't help but feel bitter. i mean, i'm human. i'm no saint. bitterness lingers, and gives a bad after taste which i despise. i am working hard towards becoming a more optimistic, a less bitter person. although i must say that one can turn bitterness into driving force to do better, depending on your perspective. so yeah, i suppose so:)

keep smiling even when it is hard to smile. keep trying even when the world's against you. against the dying of the light. fight the world. fight even when you're carrying the burden of the world on your back, that's the strength you need. that's the strength everyone wishes they can have but never quite get how to acquire it. my answer? experience failure. it's okay to be losing as long as you don't end up a loser.

Just a thought

2010-07-17T16:24:00.002+08:00

Just a really random thought which struck when I was blog hopping while feeling sick- can people make an effort to blog in proper English? Like, at least blog without all the bad spelling and the 'la', 'lo', 'lei'. It's really irritating to read. I know, I know. You'll say, "If you don't like it then don't read it then." Okay, I get that point alright. But my point is about the bigger problem- the problem of people forever only using that kind of English and then wonder why they don't get any better. It's embarrassing in Singapore where we preach the use of good English, and the teaching for good English in schools when students who are currently IN THE EDUCATION SYSTEM use such outrageous language. and their grammar, for gracious sake, is atrocious. I mean, just look at your facebook news feed and you can spot all the mistakes. I don't get my grammar right all the time, but at least i NEVER make mistakes like using 'are' for a singular noun and 'has' for plural nouns.

I don't know why I am so cranky about this whole language thing today, but i would attribute it to me feeling unwell:( i can't help it. But the subway sandwich i had for lunch, plus a white chip macademia nut cookie helped lift my spirits immensely. and on the way home after going all the way to jurong point for the sandwich at 2pm, someone suddenly started talking to me when i was queuing for the bus at the interchange.

turns out that he was working at some sci and tech department in NIE, and then he was asking about my laptop (LG, which he apparently, has never heard of anyone using this brand:O) and like, using technology in school. he thought i was in uni (HAHA!:D i wish) but i said i wasn't. so then we went on to talk about education. OMG, HE HAS A PHD from university of michigan (i think, not sure if i got the uni right, but he is a phd holder^.^) and then we were talking about uni systems all over the world. and something he said struck me as true, and i was somewhat enlightened as to why people pursue 'branding' so much, and why organisations and institutes start 'packaging' and 'branding' themselves.

'You want to associate yourself with the best people who are at the best institutes, then eventually, you become one of the best. It really helps your career.' He is so right. I keep telling myself that i cannot be so shallow as to just wanting to pursue a certain 'brand' of education, but after what he said, i know now that its not about being shallow. it IS about your future, because sadly, the world works in a shallow way.

so today, i decided on something. and the post it below aptly sums it up:

Love etc.

2010-07-15T21:25:00.003+08:00

I don't know whether to feel happy or upset today. Some things went right, others went horribly wrong. A little sad at first, then some thing cheered me up, then worry takes over, and then i'm cheered up again. It's weird to be on an emotional roller-coaster when all you want to do is plant your two feet firmly on the ground and stay right there.

Eighteen is the new age to worry, and as I speak to people, i realised that i am not the only one. thankfully:) but the part which i fret about is pretty much unimportant at this stage in life, so i suppose i'll only take it out to think about when i really have nothing better to do, although, surprisingly, its the only part of my life right now which i want a definite answer, or rather, reassurance about. sometimes, at different moments in the day, i get this 'caesura moment'- a dramatic pause before everything unfolds in slow motion to reveal the truth. the feeling's pretty awesome, both in good ways and bad, and i suppose attitude determines everything.

every one makes some quirky remark or think-out-loud statement from day to day, and today i heard one which i think is worth giving considerable thought about, because, if you think about it, everyone wants to feel wanted and loved. 'For every girl, there is always one guy who thinks that she is pretty.' Hope every girl out there finds that someone, although, preferably, that one (and hopefully not the ONLY) guy should not be your grandpa, who compliments you by saying that you are as pretty as your seventy year old grandma.

although they always say- if you want to know how a girl will look at 40, or at 70, look at her mother and grandmother. and pardon me for saying this, but i think i got a pretty good deal. ha:D

and i'll end with this cute quote that nicely sums up the thing that got all of us talking ever since tuesday- love, etc.

'Love is like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.'- John, age 9.

just unconditional love

2010-07-10T23:36:00.003+08:00

"The power of unconditional love. I mean, there is no power on earth like unconditional love. And I think that if you offered that to your child, I mean, you’re 90 percent of the way home. There may be days when you don’t feel like it — it’s not uncritical love; that’s a different animal — but to know you can always come back, that is huge in life. That takes you a long, long way. And I would say that every parent out there that can extend that to their child at an early age, it’s going to make for a better human being." - Warren Buffet

I totally agree. completely, with what he said. i think its really inspiring, perhaps simple, but true nonetheless. it's the knowing you can always come back part, that no matter what, at the end of the day, when you need a break on this journey called life, there's someone you can fall back on, that you can trust who will keep you and your dreams, no matter how unrealistic, safe, for one more day. and every child deserves that. if a parent cannot afford to give their child that, then they should think twice before having one, no matter whether or not the baby bonus package is attractive, or that they can afford to give the baby every material thing possible. everything's useless without love.

yet sometimes it is so much to ask for. so much to want, to the extent that one seems selfish to demand that from another person. someone may ask: 'is it humanely possibly?' my answer would be a resounding yes. 'how do you know?' well, people feel these kind of things, not say it, although they may attempt to describe it using words. there's so much of the world out there waiting for us. i always wondered what it was like to live as a queen, a princess, a teacher, a waitress, a baker, a cashier, a zoo keeper, a soldier. most importantly, a person who is a recipient of unconditional love. i think we all ought to have experience it in our lifetimes, and only then, can we truly say that we have lived.

if we haven't, we can make someone else experience it, by being the giver. the giver of unconditional love. i have often wondered about the boundaries of unconditional love- its ironic that we name it as such. is it really unconditional, ungoverned by rules, but merely emotions? can murderers be recipients of such love? are they deserving of it? to what degree of seriousness a crime can a person commit to render him undeserving of such love? how do we tell? murderers who are jailed, then are released on parole - their victim can never come back to life, and the victim's family lost a person they love forever, but the guilty deserves a second chance? in law, there are many degrees of a crime a person can be sentenced to- murder (intent + action of killing), accidental murder, manslaughter, self defense. but who can really say what a person can be convicted for? if the person intended to kill but his victim (luckily or unluckily) survived the attack, then he'll be committed of grievous bodily harm. fair? i wouldn't say so. sometimes the law cannot protect everyone, but it can protect some, and maybe, that will be all it can ever do. there will always be people who slip through the gaps, the loopholes, and everyday, it happens. everyday, there are also other people working to close these gaps. is it really enough? it's a question that only you can answer for yourself, and no one else, vice versa.

Hidden depth

2010-07-07T23:25:00.003+08:00

changed my blogskin after how many zillion years of it being the same. love the colours on the the different headers in this skin, which was the only reason why i chose it. well, that plus the fact that it is simple and clear cut. i ain't no genius when it comes to decoding all the weird codes they use to write the skin.

down with history p3 and math p1. whew. and just a totally random thought: most of the HLs have an additional paper 3, unlike SLs which only have two papers. BUT FOR MATH, THE HL PPL HAVE ONLY 2 PAPERS TOO:O they're totally shortchanging the SL people:( but i suppose HL's really alot alot harder, so it does make sense to shorten the paper. i mean, less pain for the people who do it, less pain for the people who have to mark it, right?:)

did practically nothing today after the exams, except for the fact that i went to lunch at swenson's with the guys. we got cheated. as in, not conned out of our money or what not, but by the fact that there is NO coffee connoisseur at holland v, only coffee club. rawr!!! so much for our one for one lunch deal. and for walking under the hot hot sun between noon to 1pm. then we ended up walking some more and ended up at swenson's. one whole entire round, can you believe it? but well, at least we had so much fun talking at swenson's. and laughed at people, well, more specifically, girls, in ginormous sunglasses which were sliding off their noses as we looked down on them, literally, from the second floor. oh well. plus, i came up with this superb theory on how to achieve two things at one go-ridding the world of snakes and cats.

Step 1: Make the snake eat the cat.

Step 2: While the snake is halfway through digesting the cat (therefore ensuring that the cat is properly dead), kill the snake.

TADAA. ingenious isn't it? couldn't have come up with something better if i tried. and the best thing is i won't be labelled as a cold hearted murderer of cats- because theoretically the snake ate (and therefore, killed) the cat. and i only killed the snake, which is normal, because people kill snakes all the time. and indeed, my suggestion was seconded by treye.

and the whole reason why i wrote about that is so that when i look back at my archives, i will remember this episode which is firmly etched in my mind, and then i can laugh at it again. the things we talk about during lunch... the range of it:)

but on a serious note, there are several things that are more important that had been whizzing through my head all this while, especially in the state of between consciousness and unconsciousness. one of which i would want to share it today, simply because i want to get it off my chest. why is there so much pain in this world? so much struggle to survive, so much effort put into living for just one more day, yet here we are, people who struggle in a lesser sense, and complaining about little what-nots that we've been dealt with.

i'll admit that i'm no saint, and that i am guilty of that. many times over, despite the many reminders i gave myself. and when i watched the show about stars volunteering overseas in different countries for different purposes, the episode about helping orphans in mumbai touched me alot, especially the story of this boy. he was orphaned at the young age of about fourteen/fifteen, an age where kids easily go astray. he was left to scour the streets for his next meal, and became addicted to drugs. he contracted a disease on the streets, which cost him his right leg, amputated from below the knee. yet when he was found by the volunteers of this

catholic orphanage, his life changed. at sixteen, he learnt how to read and write in english, as well as how to do math. he went of drugs, after two bouts of unsuccessful trying. now he is actively playing soccer with his friends at the orphanage with his prosthetic leg, and studying hard so that he can become a doctor. the dream might seem far away, but he inches closer each day. all the possessions he ever owned in his life was in one old and battered suitcase stored in the orphanage, yet he never did once mention how unfortunate he was in the interview, but said that he was going to do his best and study hard to give himself a better life, a brighter future.

i look back, and catch myself complaining about having to cram one hundred years of chinese history in a day, all of which was my fault because i chose to procrastinate and not study earlier. i catch myself not wanting to get out of bed to go to school, and i feel guilt because those kids would give anything to go to school for a proper education. i catch myself ordering food that i cannot finish, and i remember those children who only have rice and gravy for lunch and sometimes dinner, who were lucky to even get one meal a day. i tell myself that i had to be more appreciative and tolerant, and i think i am slightly better, though i can do more.

don't tell me that sometimes we cannot prevent all these, and that each person has a place and a role in this world. i don't believe in someone's designated place being as on the streets, and the role to scour the streets for food and drugs to get high. but people always say, well, if the people we define as poor now get richer and are no longer poor, then what will happen is that the poor class will not vanish, just that the definition of 'poor' changes, and we get another classification, that's it. without poor, how do you know what's rich? just like without good, how do you know what's evil?

some things are just meant to go hand in hand. some things aren't. and we can't change that no matter how hard we try. what is meant to be always finds a way back to each other, be it good or bad.

stumbled upon this picture and i love it:)

Unwell

2010-07-06T16:08:00.003+08:00

Maybe i ate too much biscotti, or its just the bore of having to stay at home and study for 2 hours, but i'm falling sick:( waking up to feel tired, then dozing so easily when studying, waking up to perspire and all although it is air conditioned. its like, feeling hot inside, but still showering in warm water cos i feel cold? i'm not making much sense am i?:(

aaah... i'm waiting to watch eclipse and gorge on popcorn (maybe?:D) and i don't wanna fall sick now:( all this tiredness is sapping all my strength. although on a happier note, at least during the exams, we dont have to learn new things, just revise old things, so my brains get to rest in terms of the 'absorbing and internalising new things' part.

saw grandma and jaeden downstairs after i bought dinner last night, at the void deck, and he, at seven months old, is bouncing happily barefooted on grandma's lap and slobbering, smelling like baby powder:) i can't really remember, but i must have had my go at doing that the last time i was that tiny:) he looks happy slobbering all over me, and i can't find it in me to get annoyed. i just laughed along with him (well, he giggled WHILE slobbering. it takes a lot of skill to master that right?:)) and went home smelling like baby powder and ointment. when he smiles, he locks his eyes with you, and for that moment, you cannot remember anything but that smile, and you can't help but smile back. that's what i call bonding, not some silly covalent, ionic or metallic bonds that is not applicable at all in daily life. we keep trying to infuse kids with more knowledge nowadays, but we seem to have taken character development for granted, haven't we?

well, i am determined to make jaeden's first words 'jie jie', and im on the right track, seeing as how he bounces when he sees me:) haha, am i crazy when i smiled and nearly laughed as i recall him bouncing as i typed the previous sentence? no, i don't believe so. i'm just in love. in love with the innocence of childhood:D (well, maybe the slobbering and bouncing too. the whole package:)) his fingers ARE SO TINY i don't understand how my aunt cuts his nails for him... then again, those are the fingers that hold on to my fingers so tightly when i play with him, and those are the fingers that will go on to hold a pen, then later, a girl's hands when he grows up. so many things start small, and a baby is the best evidence.

don't discriminate small, will you?:)

Blues

2010-07-02T22:32:00.005+08:00

Been feeling a little out of sorts lately... and i can't really describe the feeling, except for that sometimes, i get a little short tempered and introverted (which is totally weird because although i wouldn't say that i'm a complete extrovert, i'm not an introvert kinda person- get it?:)) i tire so easily now, and sometimes, i snap. at the littlest of things, then i get mad at myself for getting mad over these little things, like a vicious cycle.

just moments ago, my good mood got dampened due to superstition, not on my bit, but on someone else's bit. but because the outcome would affect ME, i became a little selfish and somewhat defensive? i'll confess that i am not an extremely religious person, but i do believe in a god, out there, looking at us. a kind god. and i believe that there are phenomenons that happen that science tries to but fails to explain, and that it can well be the doings of a higher being. i totally do. but i don't believe in attributing the littlest of things to superstition, then making a decision that you know will affect NOT JUST YOURSELF, BUT OTHERS AS WELL, especially when you know that others (INCLUDING MYSELF, I'LL ADMIT) are looking forward to the event. alot. and i haven't found it in me to completely forgive the previous instance when your decision made me, and a few others really unhappy for one night. although it did later become ok:D as all things do...

but well, its over and we've gotten over it, so we can move past this hurdle to become better people. well, i'm trying, so give me some encouragement in the right direction will you?:D

OH, and it felt like the exams ended today. woohoo:) it was such a great feeling to be able to churn out every single little detail about the spanish civil war onto the paper. i thought i wasn't able to remember it, but when we got in and i saw the question, plus maybe the fact that i had no notes or books to save me, i could do it. like, not the smoke my way through type of do, but properly doing it!!!!!!! it was the BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD. one of the best i have felt since the exams started:)

had my virgin meal at botak jones. and the guys were right- the portions are kind of huge. and i think that if i went with my 'bubble' (yay:D), or any one of the gals, we would be able to finish the stuffs properly. but i'll say that the chicken's not too bad... it was weird. i was the only one eating chicken, though i usually go for fish. so we were all waiting for my one plate of chicken. the guys all ordered fish and chips. is it just me, or do people find it weird that FOUR GUYS ALL ORDERED FISH AND CHIPS? i always thought fish was a girl thing. guess i was wrong?:)

but any ways it was raining, and we nearly had to eat at a table with our shoes dipped in a puddle. luckily, ngiam found us a table. though we had to clean it. and then i very nicely asked the uncle to help us wipe all the water and stains off the table. which he very nicely did. but guess what happened after that? the cloth fell into a puddle of rain water on the ground, and then HE PICKED IT UP AND JUST SLUNG IT BY THE BUCKET, WITHOUT RINSING IT. and god knows if that was the fate of the cloth before he used it to wipe our table... but so far, i'm feeling fine, so i guess not?:) either that or my active immunity is really strong so my memory T cells are doing their jobs, and maybe the B cells too. combating antigens:)

well, after such a long post and all, i feel really really EXTREMELY liberated:) and happier. well, Brazil scored a goal and is leading by one point. yay yay yay:)

just a little picture of my current eye candy- it's unfair. so few pictures of him on the web. country he plays for: spain. position: midfielder. name? javi martinez. i spotted him on the papers two days ago while reading about the portugal spain match predictions, and there he was on the paper, staring right back at me. well, not exactly staring, more like, looking out of the sides of his eyes. but whatever. it doesn't matter. he's cute:) and he's only 21. young and talented no?

floating

2010-06-28T20:36:00.002+08:00

been feeling woozy. not a good sign:( chem kind of sucks when you know your stuff but cannot answer questions. well, what doesn't?

oh, if only exams are open book. i mean, what's the point of having exams when they do not really test one's abilities? what if you're lucky enough that the only two topics that you briefly skimmed through are what comes out? and you're so proficient in the others that do not. no acknowledgement of your hard work at all. only a shake of the head, a stern smile and a warning: you need to do better. scary what our world has become... exams should really just test understanding of concepts, and not MEMORISING. i mean, it's not my fault if i'm born to remember less right? but its like, in an exam conscious society like this one, we're being condemned. condemned to fail if you cannot remember how to draw the mechanism for SN1 and SN2 reactions during exams...

no pressure. totally no pressure. yup. i promised, hadn't i? and i will do it. then i can get what i so deeply yearn for:) it's a promise:) we both remember it:D

Love will pull us through

2010-06-17T23:03:00.003+08:00

Damn me and my short attention span that led me wondering here.

I should be writing my Bio IA, doing the TYS for bio and chem, reading history, typing huck finn notes instead of this. anything but this.

and guess what? the ban on going out means i can't even catch a movie with my friends anymore:( to them, i must have disappeared right off the surface of earth. and that unreliable phone is no help, ever since i dropped it again down the stairs. now i get messages late. on a good day, a ten minute lag. sometimes one day lag. sometimes two. and on a bad day, never at all. i bet everyone's thinking that i'm unreliable and uncontactable- thanks to my phone. gimme another reason not to neglect it? NONE.

sat at home and fed myself tv shows. lots and lots of sex and the city, because that's the only interesting link that loads on that faulty site. and i do have a teeny wee bit interest on what's the hype. its actually quite funny, and true. sadly, true, depending on your relationship status when you view it, i would say:) season one complete in a NIGHT. yeah, get that. a night.

and if you're wondering about my incoherent paragraphs and the title of the post which seems so irrelevant, all i want to say is that love cannot pull me through the common tests. or any test for that fact. unless maybe the marker loves my script so much he/she gives me full marks for the entire thing--> chances? ZERO. we don't even get our names on the script, just numbers. yes, in an exam, you are reduced to a 4 digit number. how sad is our world getting?

that's all i want to rant, for now.

oh, and I LOVE BINTAN:) and just about any place in this world where i can ESCAPE MY BOOKS. seemed to have temporarily lost interest in them:( not storybooks, erm, acad books. esp bio. and chem.

Reclaiming

2010-06-14T12:05:00.003+08:00

Rewatching Disney movies (those really old, hand drawn, 2D kinds) one a day. and i must say, i missed it, so much. Never realised how much i missed it until we started watching the first half of Sleeping Beauty on the last committee session of iMUN. If only there were fairies to bestow blessings upon a child the way the three fairies did for baby Aurora...

I realised for myself how different these movies seem when you watch it at different periods of your life. The guards that Malificent had were scary, but they were all animals, allegorical representations of human characters I suppose. Then again, which Disney character isn't? The darkness and the evil aura scared me more as an eighteen year old than when i was three. i felt the shudder when the fairies were in the Malificent's 'palace' rescuing the prince. When i was three, it was just colours to me? i don't know, because i can't remember how it felt like then, except for the awe. That never changed. fifteen years later, and i am still awed. Timelessness never had a better representation.

And since it is the holidays and i am SUPPOSED TO BE STUDYING, supposed being the keyword, i shall post some pictures to keep myself happy:) most of them from what i did in what will be my last june holiday as a student-- iMUN:)
The awesome ICJ team: madame president, advocates, witnesses:)
And more- Asad, our judge ad hoc for Georgia:)My (or rather, ICJ's) two cute little securitaries

The awesome girls during iMUN (after having an awesome buffet lunch)

Last but not least, SLN:) we are first class. remember that:D Chose this pic because had two things: the awesome jumps and the genuine smiles.

The rain pitter pattering makes me want to crawl back into bed, not wanting to figure out how many times the peak on the H1NMR will split due to the different chemical environments:( rawr.

Always believe

2010-06-08T20:55:00.002+08:00

"If you never get lost, you may never be found."

Been writing so often in my diary that i seem to have neglected this blog:X been so busy lately thanks to focus camp and then now MUN, but well, it was fruitful:) came to realise that i actually love MUN alot, and i especially loved dealing with international relations. i think i really know what i want to be next time:) its the feeling of sureness, that after so long, i found the direction i should head in.

"May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays."

tomorrow will be better. i promise. well, it will be as long as i get round to doing my bio IA:X i hate beans. absolutely LOATHE them, but i have to use them for my experiments:( can life get any worse? yes. apparently i have to do it at home. grrr. i dont want these henious things growing in my home. seriously, i have zero affinity in beans. the pain they have cause me in so many yesterdays are appalling. forever becoming mouldy. hopefully they'll be better behaved at home?

"We cannot change our past. We cannot change the fact that people act in a certain way. We can not change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play the one string we have, and that is our attitude ."

attitude overhaul!!! i need to start studying. im in the midst of week 2 and i havent studied ANY SINGLE THING. aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. and today? i discovered a year 5 doing year 6 analytical chem. what the? i need to buck up!!!! attitude determines altitude, and my altitude better be pretty damn high if i am to get that scholarship i so want, or rather, NEED. god be merciful.

for now, i can start by finishing the fan fiction i've started then reading some mao zedong before i sleep. yes, sounds like a good plan. no, correction: sounds like a great plan:)

a stray thought :)

2010-05-30T21:49:00.002+08:00

i shall admit it now. im obsessed with gossip girl. like, crazy obsessed. like, fan fiction reading obsessed. 50 chapters, half a million words in a day? bet nobody does it like me:) but im so happy reading it, to be sucked up into the gorgeous upper east side half way round the world, and forget the stinking reality that exams are in a month and chances are that i'm not gonna do so well. not that i would let that happen- fight till the end no?:)

seriously, if u, my dear and scarce reader hasn't gotten it yet, let me tell you: i'm in love with the idea of chuck and blair:D who wouldn't?

and its not always superficial- i do get some tok worthy thoughts and opinions from that show. For one thing: I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them. I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don’t care back.

yes, sometimes we are never enough. and sometimes, we need to wake up and see the fact that its not us, but them. harsh as it may be.

think about it everyone:) happy holidays.

一波未平，一波又起

2010-05-25T20:33:00.004+08:00

有时候真的就是好累，好累哦。为了课业烦恼，放弃了一些自由，真的值得吗？如果有一天一觉不醒，那不是白白的，把青春浪费了吗？会不会觉得是种遗憾呢？

明明知道自己还有那么多东西没做，却不想去做。一整天就只生活在梦幻世界里，那该有多好。。。年幼时，最难的或许就是学走路，学说话，学习如何生活在这个恐怖的世界里。长大后，事不止多了，还复杂了。东西不再是那么单纯，似乎什么动作的幕后都存动机，人心变得很险恶。不能轻易相信人，不能靠别人，而走完了一生才会偶然发现，原来剩下的只有孤零零的自己。好可怕。

不如，让我们回到原来，
不要开始，
替彼此省下泪水，剩下心酸。
不求回报的付出，
可遇不可求。

童年时，世界充满的是希望，不是沮丧。

one down. two more to go.

2010-05-20T17:03:00.003+08:00

with much discipline, i sat down and finished my entire essay. from scratch. rewriting, reinventing, rethinking, reordering. i don't think i've been so focused for long at home. not since O levels. but heck, i'm trying, so please give me what little credit i deserve:)

my extended essay is officially in its final final phase. just one more round of editing and checking before i print it, bind it, and say goodbye to EE for the rest of my IB life:) never has the idea been more tempting. the decision to stay home today to do my EE has been totally worth it:)

but well... i still have TOK and my history IA to go. one due tomorrow, another due next thurs. sometimes its exhausting to have to fight so hard for it. its like fighting a bush fire- the moment you put one out, you find out that there's another one burning elsewhere. gosh. can this fire fighting season end already??

this is all i ever seem to talk about on my blog, i know. but i can't help it, since this is what fills my mind. completely. thank goodness for paintball and the drama showcase at hwa chong tomorrow:) finally, one afternoon to forget everything for a little while.

a little celebration is in order next weekend. i cannot believe that i'm saying this, but im looking forward to the common test- not because i studied for it already, but because it means no more reports and presentations for a few weeks:)

craving.

2010-05-19T21:16:00.002+08:00

i can't believe that gossip girl has aired its season finale. and that i will have to wait till SEPTEMBER for a new episode. AAAAAHHHHH. i need new york city, manhattan, the upper east side and the non-judging breakfast club. it's almost becoming a religious routine to watch an episode of gossip girl every week, and the ended the season with so many twists. plus, i need my chuck and blair shot every week.

perhaps this is why people crave after these characters, because in they live in a different world from us, and we all want an outlet to escape to, to vent in. this world, that sometimes exist in my daydreams, that sometimes keep me going, because in everyone, there is a tiny flicker of hope that you can hold onto, that helps you believe that if you believe enough in it, you might get to see that kind of world in real life one day:)

well, since i will have absolutely nothing to watch until september, this shall be a tribute post to my favourite couple- the bad boy and the drama queen, the love that is so passionate that it burns each other, that it burns them out. love that is perhaps what we are all looking for, and hoping that we'll find and experience, and if we're lucky, keep. till then, we can keep watching them, and tell ourselves that there's a prince out there meant for each of us, but perhaps, the reason why he isn't here yet was because he took a wrong turn and could not find his way back.

to love so great and so pure. to chuck and blair:)

Chuck: We're inevitable, Waldorf.
Blair: Despite what attraction my body has for you, my brain knows better, and yours should too. Gotta go! I have a disciplinary hearing.

Chuck: You're lying.
Blair: I am not.
Chuck: Your eyes are doing that thing where they don't match your mouth.
Blair: I wasn't aware that robots got jealous. Did they update your software while I was away?

Blair: You are disgusting. I hate you.
Chuck: Then why are you still holding my hand?

Chuck: The reason we can't say those three words to each other, isn't because they aren't true.

Blair: Chuck! Stop! Don't go. Or if you have to leave, let me come with you.
Chuck: I appreciate the concern.
Blair: No. You don't. You don't appreciate anything today. But I don't care. Whatever you're going through, I want to be there for you.
Chuck: We talked about this. You are not my girlfriend.
Blair: But I am me. And you are you. We're Chuck and Blair. Blair and Chuck. The worst thing you've ever done—the darkest thought you've ever had—I will stand by you through anything.
Chuck: And why would you do that?
Blair: Because I love you.
Chuck: Well that's too bad.

Chuck: This isn't you.
Blair: How do you know?
Chuck: Because I know you better than I know myself.

Blair: You can't run, you have to stay here and here it this time. Chuck Bass, I love you. I love you so much it consumes me. I love you and I know you love me too. Tell me you love me and everything we've done, all the gossip and the lies and the hurt will have been for something. Tell me it was for something.
Chuck: Maybe it was, but it's not anymore.

Chuck: You were right. I was a coward running away again, but everywhere I went, you caught up with me. So I had to come back.
Blair: I want to believe you, but I can't. You hurt me too many times.
Chuck: You can believe me this time.
Blair: Oh. That's it?
Chuck: I love you too.
Blair: But can you say it twice? No i'm serious, say it twice!
Chuck: I love you, I love you, that's three, four, I love you.

Chuck: Your holiday paranoia knows no bounds.
Blair: Precedence is not paranoia.

Chuck: Hey, do you mind if I stay?
Blair: Yes. But that's why I love you.

Chuck: I don't have a real mother. I never will.
Blair: Doesn't mean you've alone. I love you, Chuck, and I'll always be your family.

Chuck: I'll be waiting on top of the Empire State Building.
Blair: You can't Affair to Remember me.

bronze. it's a bronze.

2010-05-11T23:01:00.003+08:00

i usually post when i'm feeling really really down. or extremely happy (well, rarely). it's becoming a bad habit, but this is a place where i think i can vent without affecting anyone but myself:) no collateral damage.

yes it's a bronze. i feel the urge to curse but i restrain myself. so what? people may say. it's alright. sometimes i just want to shout in their faces that IT IS NOT ALRIGHT and that YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH IT MEANS TO ME BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T GO THROUGH IT ALL. you did not wake up every saturday morning at 7am to get to rehearsals for a month and a half. you did not have to miss classes (not that i really minded) to rehearse, nor rehearse three times a week after school in the weeks leading up to it. you had your free time to do all your freaking work, unlike us, or at least me, who has to play catch up, which, honestly is tiring me out COMPLETELY.

i hate not being able to fall asleep properly because somewhere deep inside of me i'm worrying about my EE, my TOK, my IAs and my WORLD LIT ESSAY.

i hate having to smile and be happy when i'm mostly depressed (except for when people crack jokes that really makes me laugh and drive those dark thoughts away for a few seconds).

i hate being such a lousy friend because i was and still am feeling upset at my lack of self discipline and for hurting people unknowingly because i'm insensitive.

a gold with honours would have been a nice reward for everything i have put myself through, but no, i would not say to make it seem more worth it, because whether we won or not, it was WELL WORTH IT:) it is not that i can't see the brighter side of things, but i can see the dark side too. the dark side which i cannot ignore, which i wallow in because it just happened that it fits my already bad mood today.

You know what sucks?
Realising that everything you believed in is complete and utter bullshit.

i've had enough crap in this year to last me ten lifetimes. please, if You exist, in any form, show me that you do. that there is hope still. that hard work always pays off and the bad are duly punished.

why do some people get everything in life, and others have to fight for every single little breath?

Overflow

2010-05-10T22:25:00.003+08:00

Figured out more than 60% of my EE today. not feeling very accomplished, but well, at least its one down. but i'll have to work on the bibliography before i sleep tonight:X spent the night doing nothing after exhausting myself in school today. one wave down, yet the many others in the horizon threatens to sweep me away, to pull me under.

despite the busyness, i spent time browsing my favourite fan fictions, if only to make myself a little happier by indulging in fantasies. but we all need a little bit of it from time to time, don't we? one of my favourite author SimplyShelbySJL wrote this one shot:) so beautiful, it made me cry. if you don't cry reading this then well, you're lacking emotions.

The Sun Came and She Was Gone

Chuck slowly made his way down the cold hospital hallway. The place was silent and seemed to stand frozen in time. It was as if everything from the past that had happened, no longer mattered. It had been two years since she had spoken to him.

Blair Waldorf had told him the night of her break up, two years ago to the date; she never wished to see him ever again. And she had done everything in her power to avoid him. After that, everything that happened, no one else wanted to see him either. He lost everything, but Bass Industries. Most importantly though he lost the one person who had ever loved him completely and he had loved back. He still loved her and he always would.

He went back to womanizing and boozing, but she was always there, in his mind. Late at night, when the woman had disappeared, he'd prop up her old side of the bed with pillows. He then turned on his back and pretended what he felt next to him was her. If he was drunk enough, he'd hug them.

Chuck always told himself that he'd give anything to have just one more day of her seeing him like she had before, for her to love him again without knowledge of what he had done to destroy them.

He got his wish today. And now he'd give anything to take it back.

"Chuck," Serena greeted him. The blond looked extremely tired; her blue eyes had turned gray. She had not spoken to him in a while either. By her posture and tone, despite her weariness, the hatred for him was still there. But it wasn't about hatred anymore. That didn't matter to the person they both loved most.

"How is she?" he asked immediately. His eyes ached to look into the doorway, but he could not. Instead, he took a step back, further away from it.

"Do you honestly think I would have called you if it wasn't as bad as it is?" she spat. The anger swelled in her stomach and she glared at him.

Chuck didn't blame her. It wasn't fair. He had not right to be there.

"How long does she have?" His eyes fell in shame and he bit the inside of his cheek. It was an attempt to keep his voice from breaking.

"They told us she will be gone in the morning. She has fallen completely delirious, though. She woke up this morning and did not understand what had become of her. I explained it and then…" Serena's voice broke and tears fell down her cheeks. A loud sob escaped her lips and she grasped a hand over her mouth.

He watched in agony as the once lively 'sister' of his crumbled before him. But he did not reach for her. She would surely strike him if he attempted to do such a thing.

Finally, she regained composure. Her posture straightened and she let out a deep breath.

"I explained her condition and she burst into tears. Then she passed out and awoke again. She asked the same question. I could not tell her again… I could not watch it. I told her that she is merely sick and when she awakes the next morning she'll be free of it," Serena uttered.

Chuck felt his heart fall to the pit of his stomach. He felt like he was about to throw up. He wanted to run, but he was frozen. The hospital had become a prison, his own personal hell.

"I cannot fathom why you'd wish for me to see her?" he bit, coldly.

She saw past the exterior, but still shook her head in distaste.

"Because she asked for you…" she spat.

"Even in her most delirious state the Blair Waldorf who pledged to never see me again…"

"She does not remember what happened!" Serena shouted. The blond then broke down and hit his chest violently.

"She cannot remember what you did to her! She cannot recall that you broke her! She can't recall anything! She has gone to the state of mind she wishes! The doctor told us that people do that, before they die. Many think to be in their youth, but she… she had to once again get stuck in a time frame of a Chuck Bass that no longer exists. She only wants you," Serena shook her head and cried, "she is my best friend and all she can remember is the time of loving you!" She gave one last hit to his chest and then pushed past him. She fled around the corner and he heard her fall to the ground.

It was silent where he stood. He put a hand to his mouth and pushed the sob that rose in his throat back down. He had wished to have her forget, to only remember when she loved him. He had never expected the cost of it to be her life.

"Chuck…" Blair's voice called from the room. It was weak and raspy.

Before he knew what he was doing, he stepped into the room. The sight of her was one that he would never get out of his mind. She lay there, in the hospital bed. She was hours from dying.

"Blair…" he managed out. He approached her bed and sat in the chair beside it.

She turned her head to look at him, but it stayed on the pillow. She had no strength left to even lift it. Then her hand, IV connected to it, slightly lifted and held itself out for hiss.

He took it in his. She was so fragile. His were so large against hers.

"How do I look?" Blair asked. Her voice was barely audible.

Her skin was practically lucid. Her beautiful chestnut locks now fell limp and lackluster. Her once ruby lips were blue. But her eyes were the worst. The color had drained from them and they were bloodshot.

"Beautiful," Chuck told her. He then stroked her cheek delicately with the back of his hand. She closed her eyes and smiled softly.

He didn't deserve her last moments. It wasn't fair that she had wanted him in them. And he couldn't walk away, because she wanted him.

"Serena says I'm sick," she rasped.

"But I'll be better in the morning, right?" Her eyes looked to him with hope. She appeared to stare at him like a child. So he nodded and he gave it to her.

"You'll feel no pain at all." His voice broke and his eyes watered. She frowned at this and reached to touch his cheek. He closed his eyes at the feel of her fingertips. She was so cold, but it still felt heavenly. He'd cherish it forever.

"Why are you crying?" Blair inquired. She was confused again.

"Because… I want to go with you," he admitted. His hand wiped at his eyes and he shook his head. He needed to get a hold of himself.

"Where am I going?" Another question came.

"A place where no one can hurt you and where you'll never feel pain again," he broke.

"But I don't want to leave," Blair shook her head and smiled softly, "I want to stay here… with you, Chuck."

"Why can't I? Don't you love me anymore?" she continued.

"Of course I love you, Blair."

It was the first time he said it aloud in two years. He then stood and sat down on the bed. She moved over as best she could. He lied down in it and pulled the covers over him. Her lips pulled into a smile and she stroked his chest. He focused on how it felt to hold her. He had to remember it exactly. He wasn't going to get another chance. When morning came, there'd be no Blair Waldorf left to hold.

"I love you too,'" Blair told him with a nod. She then pecked his lips, but very slowly.

He hated himself. She didn't remember she hated him. It wasn't fair. He wasn't worthy of it.

"Blair," he breathed. His nose buried in her curls. She still smelt the same.

"It's going to be morning soon. The sun rise is always beautiful," she noted. The absent tone in her voice returned and she looked to him and smiled.

He felt the world start to collapse around him.

They had minutes, maybe seconds.

"Please don't leave, Blair," Chuck pleaded and shook his head. Tears spilled down his cheeks and he held her tightly in his arms. Her petite and fragile body seemed so breakable. But maybe if he held her tight enough… then she couldn't go.

But he knew she would.

The sun slowly started to come up and slowly declined.

"Don't go," he shook his head frantically. Chuck looked her in the eyes.

"Don't go!" he repeated with more volume.

"Chuck and Blair, Blair and Chuck," Blair whispered. Her eyes blinked open and closed and her breathing got more difficult. Her heartbeat started to slow.

"No, no, no," he denied and kissed her lips.

She had no strength left to react to it.

"Butterflies," Blair mumbled breathlessly. He wiped at the tears of pain that ran down her cheeks. His head shook again and he smiled in a solemn denial.

"Just stay, just stay," Chuck begged.

The sun was almost out and she was almost gone.

"Chuck… I remember…" she told him.

He felt his own heart stop.

She took her last breath and used it to speak.

"I… forgive… you."

The sun came and she was gone.

Her body fell limp in his arms. He shook his head and choked on the sobs from his lips. He kissed her to try and awake her. But it wasn't a fairytale and even if it had been… he was not a prince.

Blair Waldorf was gone.

She took Chuck Bass's world with her.

End.

Beautiful, right? Heart wrenchingly so. Have a great week ahead:)

losing sight

2010-05-03T22:16:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, you have to give up, sit back, and appreciate the fact that you tried.

it is so hard to focus recently. so difficult. its like waging a constant war against impulse- and i'm on the losing side. its tiring, and im exhausted.

letting go seems so enticing. but no. they say that i can do it, to hang on. but when you get so tired easily at night, what do you do? when you just feel like crying and those those damn papers outta the window right back to wherever they came from, what do you do?

it is so easy to tell people to take the difficult way out- to never give up. when it happens to you? hypocritical and judgmental you suddenly just want to run away. coward, you say. i don't mind being one, is the reply, leaving you completely stunned.

so much work undone, unnoticed, hidden and lost. so little time. you say, hello, you're only eighteen, stop philosophizing like an eighty year old who accomplished nothing in life. the reply? hello back, and welcome to the new modern age- where if you're unsuccessful at eighteen, you'll probably be in the same state at eighty.

i rest my case.

you're my sunshine, my only sunshine:)

2010-04-27T22:27:00.005+08:00

Truer words have never been spoken:)

We often mistake the limits of our vision for the limits of the world-have compassion for others when they cannot see what is obvious to you. Have compassion for yourself when you realize that you can see only a small part of God's vision for the world.

we always limit the way we see ourselves and others, and sometimes, a second chance is all we need to prove ourselves wrong. it is time to start being less selfish and limited, like a frog in the well, and embrace the wide blue sky:)

i don't think i can begin to imagine how lucky or blessed i am. all the birthday surprises and presents and wishes:) i feel loved:D isn't it how ironic how we always complain we feel neglected and forgotten, yet a simple text or a note on your fb wall can reverse all of those:) but why is it that the very feelings that we hold onto are the negative ones, no matter how fleeting they are? why can we forget one hundred moments of happiness to only remember and harp on that one or two moments of sadness, anger, disappointment?

in this blogpost, i'll attempt to capture those moments of bliss, and hopefully, when i feel like the feeling is blurring, i can look back and remind myself that i had all these, and will continue to have it:)

A quote by my very favourite bear: if there ever comes a day where we cannot be together, keep me in your heart, and i'll stay with you forever:)

the way it was always meant to be

2010-04-23T23:49:00.004+08:00

When I was five years old, my mummy taught me that happiness was the key to life.

When I was in school, they told me to write down what i wanted to be when I grow up.

I wrote, "Happy".

They told me I did not understand the assignment, but I told them they did not understand life.

************************************************************************************

It is increasingly harder to stay happy these days, as if sadness and loneliness were sandbags tied to your limbs when you're struggling to stay afloat in the water, meant to pull you down. deep down. Every minute spent fighting the urge to let go and just sink meant another minute of life spent prolonging one's pain. To give up would be easy, which is perhaps why we should always take the hard way out.

It is so tempting to get annoyed at every little thing, to feel overlooked and uncared for just through one action, but i'm trying hard not to let it get to me. I count the happy moments, and when i'm feeling upset- just when i could feel the tears burning in the back of my eyes, i shut my mind for ten seconds and trying to recall how i felt when i was happy. the tears retreat- not in defeat, for they still come again- because of my forced optimism sometimes.

There is this exercise that we do in drama as warm ups- it never failed to get to me, no matter how many times i had done it. It is called recalling emotions. everyone sits down, and the teacher would instruct you to recall a certain feeling, then let it go after about ten to fifteen seconds. fear, irritation, surprise, anger comes in a flash and disappears in a similar fashion. we always end off with happiness.

i love what mr connor says after that, " Let it go. But not too far. Keep it with you for the rest of the day."

did work at the library before drama rehearsal at 3.30pm. and mr connor let us off slightly early due to good performance:) if only i could keep the discipline. met mummy for dinner and shopped for my birthday dress(es):D delightful-ness. it felt almost as good as eating a triple chocolate brownie- ALMOST.

rehearsals in 9hours- why am i still awake?:O then lee kong chian for the rest of the day:X:X:X:X:X sometimes, to say that life sucks is an understatement.

would i make it?

2010-04-15T21:03:00.002+08:00

You know when you're in year six when...

1) you can tell what term and what week it is. without having to open up the school diary to check.
2) you dream about organic molecules coming after you and you cannot tell how many structural isomers there are for each molecule.
3) you bolt when you see teachers on the corridor- because you have not yet completed the report/essay that was due yesterday.
4) the first thing you tell each other on monday is: "i wish it was friday..."
5) you rather have 1h 40min theory lessons if it means there's no bio/chem practical session, which equals to no report (YAY!).

would i make it? my EE's half done. my IAs are probably substandard. my world lit first draft full of errors that i need to correct. my tok essay- well, there is no essay as of now. and my presentation.. well... i am stressed. officially.

im declaring it to the world NOW that I AM STRESSED and there's nothing the world can do to help me. except maybe encourage me and MAKE ME SMILE/LAUGH to forget about all my troubles.

i love love love ACSIS:) they're probably what's keeping me sane and on the verge of insanity instead of plunging downwards:)

first you ponder.. thinking of all the nice things in IB.

Then you remember all the EETOKIAs:O and you ROAR.
At the end of your IB course.. .all you remember are these wonderful moments and the wonderful people you spend it with:)

stifled like a fish.

2010-04-13T21:49:00.005+08:00

the weather recently had been RIDICULOUSLY HOT. to the extent that the moment i stepped out of the classroom i feel like shrinking right back where i came from. i rather have lesson after lesson in air conditioned comfort than spend 2 minutes walking to the toilet or to the SAC. yes, it is that warm:O

the fire drill today didnt help either. alarm rang at 8.40am and we spent the next hour on the astro turf being fried in the hot hot sun. it took almost what, 40 minutes for them to count the numbers and to check the entire school to see if there were anyone left behind? not that i think that drills are unnecessary, but come on- have you seen how HUGE THE SUN WAS? GINORMOUS. i was barely conscious by the time the magical command was bestowed- you may return to class now. it might be the sweetest six words i have ever heard today. by that time, everyone's backs were thoroughly drenched in perspiration.

drip drop. drip drop. RAWR. even on the way home- i gave in to temptation and took a cab from school to dover mrt because i could not stand the heat:x poor me. wasted $2.80 on what should have been a $0.55 cent bus ride. but no complains. every second out of the heat was well worth it, ha!:)

finally, after so many infinitely long and hot days and nights, IT POURED TONIGHT. the heavens opened and all the water accumulated poured down onto Earth, granting me my wish- for the temperature to lower. now its cool and somewhat bearable again:) now i feel like maybe i can do my work.

one goal tonight: FINISH EDITING CHEM PRACT REPORT AND SLEEP BY 10.30PM:):):)

note to self: 伤痕让我们铭记经历，坦不会指引我们未来的方向。

i miss them <3>Donovan: one love of my life:) seeing him smile makes anything worth it:D

Jaeden: the other love of my life:) hearing him giggle- that small gurgle of sound from between his lips, the most magical one yet. it just lights up my world, a little bit at a time:)

planning IS a hassle.

2010-04-11T15:11:00.003+08:00

Now that i've found the perfect place, ordered the food, i realised that's not all to it if you want to organise an event. it's almost like an IA in itself--> horribly full of details that are so minor but yet cannot be overlooked at the same time. now, i decided that i need to make a list to perhaps, get me and my lazy bum STARTED:O
1. Send out ALL THE INVITES and get replies:)
2. find a DJ.
3. find an emcee.
4. find a decorator.
5. find a photographer.
6. ORDER A CAKE:)

but i still haven't decided:( and the cake lady whom i want to order from CANNOT DELIVER IN THE EVENING:( RAWR. what to do?:(:(:(
P.S www.foodinfinity.com [i bet you'll die drooling. yes, it's that pretty:D and no, they don't deliver on sunday evenings:(]

With cadent tears fret channels in her cheeks

2010-04-08T22:21:00.002+08:00

its amazing how lines of plays seem to fit my life perfectly nowadays, a tragedy no less. perhaps this is what you call a good script and a good playwright- to write things that seem relevant to everyday life?

'With cadent tears fret channels in her cheeks'

- King Lear, William Shakespeare

To cry so hard that grooves appear on the cheeks as the tears trail down the face- how much must one cry to get even slightly near that? i wouldn't want to find out. but what i'll acknowledge is that crying makes one's eyes VERY VERY TIRED indeed, and it makes the eyes hurt if you stay up at night.

But well, what can i say to the assessors who thought that the presentation wasn't good enough even when my teacher thought it was good?

'Life and death, I am ashamed
That thou hast power to shake my manhood thus,
That these hot tears, which break from me perforce,
Should make thee worth them. Blasts and fogs upon
thee!'

- King Lear, William Shakespeare

how true how true. except for the manhood part, but the rest are spot on. oh, the wonders of Shakespearean language. maybe i'm just feeling bitter, or maybe just hurt, but whatever the case...

'Which like an engine wrenched my frame of nature
From the fixed place, drew from my heart all love
And added to the gall.'

- King Lear, William Shakespeare

it does feel good to be able to express myself so adequately for the first time in such a long time, to know that languages does trounce time and space. never had there been a time where i appreciated language more:)

thank you friends who were so accepting of my emotional mess and still wanted me as a friend despite my emotional baggage. all the hugs and words of encouragement were so so so, well, for lack of a better word, encouraging, and i can't even begin to say how it has made me feel so much better. once again, in the Shakespearean language, i shall now quote Goneril, but i mean every word, unlike the scheming her and Regan, unlike Edmund, the Machiavellian character:)

'Dearer than eyesight, space and liberty,
Beyond what can be valued, rich or rare,
No less than life, with grace, health, beauty, honour.'

- King Lear, William Shakespeare

Everything seems so much more bearable when i know that there are people out there who care of me, to whom my feelings mattered, and who will stand up for me without hesitation if i am scorned (its such a strong word, but as long as it gets the message across, why not?)

and now this?

2010-04-06T20:06:00.005+08:00

it does seem indeed to be a bad week:( as i came home all excited to watch the new episode of gossip girl, it did not end the way i wanted to:( S3EP17 was really given the right title: inglorious basstards. i hate jack bass. and how can chuck manipulate blair?:(

in the previous episode, she stood by him even when his uncle stole everything, technically leaving chuck as poor as any beggar on the streets (cos he cashed in his inheritance to buy the hotel that was now stolen by his uncle)

Chuck: I've come this far without my mother, I'm not gonna back down now.
Blair: Well if it's a war Jack wants, it's a war he'll get.

and then guess what he said when blair confronted chuck, wanting to hear that it was all jack's fault?

Blair: Please tell me Jack was lying, that you would not betray me like that.
...
Blair: I'll do anything to help you, all you have to do is ask.
Chuck: ... I'll do anything i have to. To win.
...
Blair: All i ever did was love you.
Chuck: The worst thing i've ever done, the darkest thoughts i've ever had, you said you would stand by me through anything. This Blair, is anything(luring her to his uncle and almost making her have sex with him to get Chuck's hotel back).
Blair: I didn't thought the worst you'll ever do would be to me.
Chuck: You weren't out there alone.

Blair slaps him.

Blair: Goodbye Chuck.

whatever happened to love in its purest, unadulterated form? what happened to standing by the person you love, no matter what, and even if it meant losing the world, you would still stay true to the person? one of my favourite couples now broken up:O i hope its not permanent. i know i should be doing work and all, but hello, the girl needs a break. i wish they'll get back together. i hope. i hope. i hope. funny how i'm so attached to this onscreen couple:)

saw this on one of my friend's fb status- fits what i'm feeling almost perfectly:
We used to laugh and we used to smile, Feeling this world was paradise. How gullible. Blinded to all the inadequacies of the world as I lost sight of what was true and lived in my own shell. Beauty is not sought, it is forced out. Every last drop has been exploited by man and his desperation for perfection.

i.m i.n.e.x.t.r.i.c.a.b.l.y a.n.d. c.o.m.p.l.e.t.e.l.y T.I.R.E.D:(
please, let the week end already:(

i don't see a point anymore

2010-04-05T21:42:00.002+08:00

i am drowning.

i keep procrastinating.

and i am so easily distracted.

there are lots of thing on my mind, but none of it is about work.

is there something wrong with me?

yes, i think there is, but i can't pinpoint what.

oh, it must be the weather.

or perhaps, just me and my weak resolve.

to-do list:
1. bio design ia 22 report
2. chem ia 26 (to print)
3. EE
4. tok essay
5. eng comparative essay between huck finn and paddy clarke
6. hist ia conclusion

how much the heart holds in a lifetime

2010-04-04T11:07:00.003+08:00

Every creature on earth has approximately two billion heartbeats to spend in a lifetime. You can spend them slowly, like a tortoise, and live to be two hundred years old, or you can spend them fast, like a hummingbird, and live to be two years old.

So much is held in a heart in a lifetime. So much held in a heart, in a day, a hour, a moment. We are utterly open, with no one in the end-not mother and father, not wife or husband, not lover, not child, not friend. We open windows to each but we live alone in the house of the heart. Perhaps we must. Perhaps we could not bear to be so naked, for fear of a constantly harrowed heart. When young, we think there will come one person who will savor and sustain us always; when old we know this is the dream of a child, that all hearts finally are bruised and scarred, scorned and torn, repaired by time and will, patched by force of character, yet fragile and rickety forevermore, no matter how ferocious the defense and how many bricks you bring to the wall. You can brick your heart as stout and tight and hard and cold and impregnable as you possibly can and down it comes in an instant, felled by a woman's second glance, a child's apple breath, the shatter of glass in the road, the words, "i have something to tell you", a cat with a broken spine dragging itself into the forest to die, the brush of your mother's papery ancient hand in the thicket of your hair, the memory of your father's voice early in the morning echoing from the kitchen where he is making pancakes for his children.

-Joyas Voladoras, Brian Doyle.

Nobody has ever measured, not even poets, how much a heart can hold in its life time. How do you measure a lifetime worth of memories? though smiles, through laughter, through the number of days you burnt midnight oil, through the times where you cried, the times where you experienced failure, or is it success? is it through the number of friends you have, the people whom you never got a chance to apologise to or thank, the days that you wasted, the hearts you broke, the number of times your heart gets broken, or simply, through the number of breaths you take?

or maybe, just maybe, you can measure it in the amount of love you gave and received.

late

2010-03-28T20:12:00.003+08:00

i was reading stories online and i stumbled upon this one:) its really really sweet, despite the gloom (you'll get what i mean after you read it).

Forever Loved by 1staidkit

So Yi Jung stood there, drenched in the rain, catatonic and unblinking. He couldn’t muster the will to tear his gaze away from the sight before him, no matter how painful it was to behold. This was his well deserved punishment, he guessed. And his conscience dictated that this was something he had to subject himself to.

Funny, he thought. He had dreamt of the day he’d see her again and imagined how the scene would play out in his head a million times. He’d rehearsed his lines, everything he wished to say to her, everything he should have said five years ago, over and over again and yet today, when all those imaginary scenes are suddenly reality, he cannot remember a word of them.

In his hand, he held a bright, single, long stemmed, white rose. It was her favorite flower then. He wondered if it was still her favorite now.

He should say something, he realized. He took a deep breath. “How are you?”

Her silence urged him to keep talking. “I suppose you didn’t expect to see me ever again, did you? You probably didn’t want to see me ever again at all. That’s okay. I understand. I deserve that I guess. After what I did to you, I suppose it’s only fair that you hate me.”

He closed his eyes for a brief moment, feeling the sharp, acute pain course through his entire being at the thought of her hating him. And when he opened them, he couldn’t stop the tears that poured down his cheeks, as cold and unrelenting as the rain that poured down from the heavens. His guilt was drowning him and he wanted to blame her for it. But that blame would be misplaced for he knew all too well that the fault lay with him.

He swallowed the lump in his throat and struggled to push the words he had kept bottled up for so long out from within the depths of his shattered being.

“Isn’t it fitting? The weather, I mean.” He told her. “Five years ago, I left you crying in the rain. Now I’ve come back to you and I’m the one who’s crying in the rain. Karma is a bitch.”

Being the good girl that she was, he hoped she would say something about his choice of colorful vocabulary, instead she remained silent. He couldn’t take it anymore. He sank to his knees before her.

“I’m sorry,” he wept pitifully. “I’m so sorry. I promised you the world but when the opportunity to fulfill that promise presented itself, I chose the world over you.

“I want you to know you were right. The view from the Eye of London was amazing. The Pyramids of Giza were breathtaking. I took lots of pictures when I was at the Eiffel Tower. And I’ve seen both the Statues of Liberty. Yes, I didn’t forget that you said there were two of them.

“I’ve been to all the places we said we would go to someday. But there had always been something missing. Something was not right. And you know what I realized while I was on my way to see the Niagara Falls? I realized it could never be right because you weren’t there with me. It could never be right without you.

He took a quivering breath and chanced a look at her. “I had often wondered why those places, with all its charm, and beauty, and splendid history, failed to make my heart beat in awe of its existence. Now I know why. I didn’t have my heart when I went to see them because I had left it with you.

“I didn’t go to Niagara Falls. I came straight to you. I had to see you. I want to tell you that I’m not going anywhere anymore unless I have you and my heart back in my life. So I’m here, begging you to forgive me; asking you to come with me.

“And there’s something else I want to tell you. Something I should have said five years ago instead of saying goodbye. I want to tell you I love you. Oh, how I love you.”

He broke down to more tortured sobs, repeating those three words over and over again. “Forgive me, please,” he whispered brokenly. He held out the single white rose to her as a peace offering…

And laid it on her tombstone.

Chu Ga Eul

Beloved daughter and friend

Forever loved, forever missed

He pressed his fingers against his shivering lips, planted a kiss, then touched the letters of her name embossed on that cold, unfeeling slab of marble. “I love you,” he said again.

It’s been five years too long, too cold, too lonely, and too lost.

And now he realized, it was five years too late.

End.

Well, there is an alternate ending, but i thought this original one's better:) its puzzling how what you want the most is most often the hardest to get, but there was a time when it was readily available yet you hesitated, and it was gone.

She will die if you love her not, And she will die ere she might make her love known.
-Shakespeare, Much Ado About Nothing

lost.

2010-03-27T16:30:00.004+08:00

When life gives you lemons,

make lemonades.
When life gives you oranges,
make juice.
But when both comes your way,
what do you do?

When you stagnate,
start moving.
When you can find nowhere to move to,
start digging.
But what if the ground you stood on
suddenly and abruptly disappeared?

When problems surface,
start by solving them.
When misunderstandings surface,
clear them.
But what if i was right all along and
i just didn't know it?

When there are no questions,
start by asking.
When there are no answers,
start looking for them.
But what if i cannot think of any?

When you start to fear,
lose it.
When you start to hope,
keep it.
But what if the very fear you have
is to lose hope?

When you start to cry,
stop it.
When you want to shout,
shut up.
When you don't want to listen,
block it.
When it starts to hurt,
numb it.
But what if i want to do all four but
cannot do it?

lone flower in the field of grass. yes, it is possible to be useless by association.

again.

2010-03-24T20:58:00.003+08:00

i realise that i have a tendency to blog when im either
1)annoyed
2)stressed
3)happy
4)bored.

and today.. well, im stressed and annoyed:( not very good i suppose:X stressed because of the usual stuffs (im not gonna write about it cos its making me MORE STRESSED) and because i think this term's gonna be a hard one. just three days into it and im feeling the heat... what to do, what to do?

im just moderately annoyed with myself for not being able to stop EATING. im practically eating the whole time except for when im sleeping or during lessons. its crazy. i can see why im forever longing for food these days- its scientifically proven that munching on tidbits and comfort food (well, just food in general actually) actually works on the other part of your brain, therefore taking away the load from the part that you're stressed about, THUS THE SOOTHING EFFECT OF FOOD. aargh, why can't the human brain be programmed to do something else other than eating when its stressed?

Dear Brain,
sorry for all the stress i've caused.

Dear Tummy,
sorry for making you digest all the rubbish i eat.

Dear Pillow,
sorry for neglecting you most of the time.

Dear Heart,
sorry for all the damage:(and i cannot even blast music because my ipod kicked the bucket. and i'll fall sick from the rain and owe even more IAs and essays.

engraved.

2010-03-22T20:42:00.004+08:00

was on my way home with boonhwee just now and we were chit chatting on the train:) realised that we were both afraid of losing our 'chinese' touch:X what if one day, you wake up and you forgot how to write your chinese name? it is so vitally important to me to KNOW THAT LANGUAGE, so i cannot even imagine that it will one day become foreign- it didnt seem possible. until now. somethings just slip past slowly, silently, unknowingly, and when you realise it, its too late. all you're left with is a fleeting glance and a fading memory of what it used to be like.

万一，真的忘了，那该怎么办？
如果，想不起来，那怎么办才好？
或许，永远不会忘。。。但没人能保证。
若这辈子，除了英文之外，只能学多一个语言，我一定选华语。

害怕有一天，连自己的华文名都写不出来。
害怕有一天，连这一段字都认不出来。
害怕一觉醒来，变得慌张，因为什么都想不起来。

什么烂教育政策嘛。。。
中学修读高级华语后，到了高中就不必修华语了。
若读理工学院就更没得说了。
以为学了十年，就会记五十年吗？
说什么母语和英语一样重要，
事实上只是好听，在报告上好看。

摆脱改一改，让所有的学生，无论什么科，什么系，
无论什么年级，都必修母语。
或许会有很多人投诉，抱怨，
但我坚信，在未来，他们会心存感激。

懂英文，法文，德文，日文，韩文，西班牙文却不懂中文，
不觉得丢脸吗？
不惭愧吗？

当什么假洋人啊？

please. let it be engraved and carved into my small brain. may i never ever forget that language:)

Let go.

2010-03-21T23:06:00.003+08:00

A sad kind of beauty in this song that's just oozing out.

Imogen Heap- Let Go (please go youtube it. its really good:))

Drink up, baby down
Mmm, are you in or are you out
Leave your things behind
'cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me, too busy you're writing your tragedy
These mishaps
You bubble wrap
When you've no idea what you're like

So let go, so let go, jump in
Oh well, whatcha waiting for
It's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So let go, let go, just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

It gains the more it gives
And then it rises with the fall
So hand me that remote
Can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow

Such boundless pleasure
We've no time for later now
You can't await your own arrival
You've 20 seconds to comply

So let go, so let go, jump in
Oh well, whatcha waiting for
It's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So let go, let go, just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

So let go, jump in
Oh well, whatcha waiting for
It's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So let go, let go, just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

A little upset at myself because even after all the determination and promises, i still have not yet completed part two of my EE:( and i did not even manage to read up for bio and chem, just finished the bio tutorials and math port, with little headway on my TOK essay:( though i did rewrite the first two thousand words of my EE- every single word. but well, two thousand more to go. sometimes its so hard to let go of all these little things that seem so huge now, but will come to be merely a stage of life ten years later. a shocking realisation much?

They say that you can either be an echo of your past, or the glory of your future. The past and the future is connected through the present. At this very moment, at every moment, i can choose either to carry on the past with all its troubles on my shoulders, OR to let it go and see bright future pull me forward.

Can i choose to let go of the past, of my EE and TOK, and still get 45 points? NO. so why give me such a hard choice. The only thing left to do now is to carry the burden of the past and transform it into the driving force for my future. With a little luck, things might just work out:)

Have a little faith people:)

regrets.

2010-03-15T20:23:00.002+08:00

i was spurred to write this post while watching a television program:) so here it goes: regrets.

had youth leaders' summit from the 11th to 13th of march, and might i say i have enjoyed every single minute of it:) tough, tiring, but rewarding, it was worth missing two days worth of lessons for. had an awesome partner- edward- and a bunch of really really nice year 5s in my chamber. add that to an awesome sector- health- and you get a happy but tired me:D

won the grand prize in the grand convention, and we won $10 000 sponsorship from Mercy Relief to carry out our plan to go fight tuberculosis in the philippines. hopefully i can do that in dec after the IB exams, and bring the plan to fruition. or maybe the 5th SC can just take it up:D

life science symposium on 3 March was an eye opener. as part of the skit for the VIP bio lab- which had been converted to LOOK LIKE PANDORA, i became one of the five avartars. that meant painting my entire body BLUE with body paint, and talking to mother eywa about biology projects that were themed innovation. well, it isnt everyday that one gets to turn blue literally, so yup, good experience:) i ate a mcchicken while blue. and it took me an hour to scrub the paint off in the toilet, together with jecolia, and i went home still with blue toes and ears. well, it was fun:D

afterall, as the years pass and memories fade, one doesnt remember tutorials and lectures- we remember these crazy days in school where we turned blue in moments and take eons to turn normal again. my skin sported a bluish hue the next day=.=

last but not least, council gathering on the last day of CNY. love love love. missed these people LIKE CRAZY:) so happy we all found a way to keep in touch, after so long, after all these years:) i feel old already. how many more gatherings like this will we have? im clinging on so tightly to this identity and i refuse to think of the day when i lose it. hope that day never comes... all the crap things we suffered through while in office, planning for 3 months for a 3 day camp, morning duty and every single little thing- i don't want to lose:) the one thing i never regretted was joining council:) we all remain tight still, and may we stay water tight:)

weird how i themed this post regret and then write about things i don't regret. well, here's my one regret--> CUTTING MY HAIR. crap crap crap. i will hide my head and never show it until my hair grows out. i have bangs again, after nearing 9 months without them. i think i LOOK STUPID:( okay, maybe not stupid, but like a goon du:O what to do what to do??

aargh. when there are more things to worry about, im actually superficial enough to worry about my hair=.=

my holiday to do list:
1. history curriculum read up [done]
2. math portfolio
3. EE draft 2
4. TOk essay draft 2
5. 4 CAS forms to fill in
6. read up on further human physiology
7. read up on electrochemistry
8.5 biology tutorials
9. rest
10. exercise

wheezing.

2010-03-09T21:58:00.002+08:00

i can't breath, i can't breath, i can't breath:( and i can't remember how to.

even when sitting down and typing this, or like 5 minutes ago when i closed my eyes and listened to canon in D, i still cannot breath. taking in short shallow breaths that left me needing oxygen, but my body refuses to cooperate. it happens exclusively at night, and have been gaining frequency. what is wrong with me?:(

tranquilizers no more. give me an answer.

steady.

2010-03-08T20:30:00.005+08:00

My favourite couple, besides SoEul:)

"The worst thing you have ever done, the darkest thought you've ever had, I will stand by you through anything" - Blair Waldorf

Been so hooked to Gossip Girl lately, i have to get a daily dose before i do my work. yes, that' show far i have gone, but without complains:) it is the life i will never live, and i live it through the characters on the show. pity they don't show it on Channel 5. it's so much better than Lost, or American Idol (which is totally =.=). the complexities of the characters and events- well, aren't we all like this? every episode that i watch makes me think again. think you know someone? well, think again. the epitome of love- now who defines what?

inspired.

2010-03-04T22:19:00.003+08:00

LSE, Imperial College, King's College and UCL had reps who came down to talk to us today about studying in the UK, in the heart of London. sounds amazingly good, and my heart is gravitating towards LSE:) why? small student population, subject discipline specific university in social science, mix of lectures and tutorials. yay:) and the LSE rep who came down today is amazingly witty, smart and to the point. loved her speech the best:)

i was inspired enough to want to find out more about the courses LSE offers and also, what it would mean to study in the UK. the contents of course study excites me, stirs me up. maybe i have finally found what i wanted to do? it's a little early to think about all these, but it is realistic now to set a goal, keep my eyes firmly on it and move towards it. afterall, they say, obstacles are the things you see when you take your eyes off your goals. i swear i'll stay on course:)

degree in international relations & history as an undergraduate course? TEMPTING:)
*if i could be an ice cream flavour, i would be vanilla. plain at first sight, but versatile, standing with others and alone.*

stagnation

2010-03-03T20:09:00.004+08:00

ironic how my world lit essay has the same theme. i could write about how the playwrights used fear as a tool to introduce the idea of stagnation, but i cannot explain how or rather, why my life have grown stagnant of late. still trying to meet deadlines, still trying to find my footing, though undoubtedly, this year is indeed a better year:)

since secondary school till even NOW, i have been chasing deadlines, sometimes asking for extensions, sometimes handing up a piece of work i know isn't exactly my best effort. often i complain about not having enough time, but most of the time, it is simply me wasting time. wonder where does time go after it passes? does it drip into a huge time sink located somewhere in the universe, or does it evaporate, and get reused, just like water? does it disappear permanently, or is it like energy- unable to be created nor destroy? what will happen when the world runs out of time? and as i am typing, i am actually delaying my sleep time:( been telling myself repeatedly that i need to stop running away from problems and start facing it, but i'd rather just admit that im a coward and find some hole to crawl into:/

i'm trying. i really am. just look at the 'planner' that i've been using [free one given when i donated blood] and you can see the effort. but is it enough?

well, might as well have something nice to look at while im brooding over my work:)

*because i'll never be good enough, will i? because im always second place...*

the way you make me feel:)

2010-03-01T20:44:00.002+08:00

went to the doctor again today due to a persistent ache in my shoulders from a minor sprain last week:( bad thingis, it still hurts, good thing is, i got an MC for today (founder's day) and i realised how much my friends care for me:) a warm feeling that spreads from the core and reaches every fingertip and toetip. it is a wonderful feeling to be loved and cared for:)

sometimes, it is the little things like this in life that makes the pain a little more bearable. the comments that make you smile and say, "i'm ok. i'll get through this just fine.", that momentarily pushes EETOKIA to the back of your head. friends are the siblings that God forgot to give you... how true, how true:)

it's a rare feeling to be happy on a Monday. supposedly research stats have shown for a heart arrest to be 20% more likely to happen on a monday than any other weekdays due to the stress of having to go back to work. well, all i can say is, schools should occasionally be more benevolent and give random Monday holidays to students, say, once a term?:) it really rejuvenates:)

thank god for friends:) i won't last a day without them.

I won't last a day without you- Carpenters

Day after day I must face a world of strangers
Where I don't belong, I'm not that strong
It's nice to know that there's someone I can turn to
Who will always care, you're always there

When there's no getting over that rainbow
When my smallest of dreams won't come true
I can take all the madness the world has to give
But I won't last a day without you

So many times when the city seems to be without a friendly face
A lonely place
It's nice to know that you'll be there if I need you
And you'll always smile, it's all worthwhile

When there's no getting over that rainbow
When my smallest of dreams won't come true
I can take all the madness the world has to give
But I won't last a day without you

Touch me and I end up singing
Troubles seem to up and disappear
You touch me with the love you're bringing
I can't really lose when you're near

If all my friends have forgotten half their promises
They're not unkind, just hard to find
One look at you and I know that I could learn to live
Without the rest, I found the best

When there's no getting over that rainbow
When my smallest of dreams won't come true
I can take all the madness the world has to give
But I won't last a day without you

When there's no getting over that rainbow
When my smallest of dreams won't come true
I can take all the madness the world has to give
But I won't last a day without you

breathe!

2010-02-25T20:34:00.004+08:00

life is not about the number of breaths you take, but the number of moments that take your breath away:)

sometimes, it really isn't that hard, but we tell ourselves that it is hard to give ourselves an excuse for not really trying. sometimes, it really isn't that unbearable, but we say that because years of getting what we wanted has eroded our patience. most of the times, we say these because we simply don't want to see the truth- that we have changed to become more selfish, short tempered and unappreciative.

take a deep breath today, and with it, promise to be more tolerant, respectful and grateful:)

strength.

2010-02-23T18:47:00.002+08:00

been wanting to update on and off, but never finding the right mood to, or knowing what to write, not that i usually plan what to, it usually just flows. but i think i wanna let off a little steam today, directed at someone in particular, most likely not you, so no offense.

some of us do not have the privilege to skip school when we feel tired, or when we urgently have work to do, but those who can should not abuse this right. if you are lucky to be born into a family where your parent(s) are doctors, or have relatives who are, then you're lucky. don't go around flaunting that you are going to be absent the next day, like prophet who can oh-so-coincidentally predict what will happen the next day. keep quiet, and when people ask, just say that you are sick. is it so hard to keep mum? i'll admit it: i don't have the privilege to, and i don't want it, thank you very much. but if the lucky few chooses to skip school, stop asking what the teacher taught the day you were absent, at home doing your work (like a closet mugger does), or tell the teacher that you are feeling 'unwell' but want to come back for the period where we have biology lab. hypocrite. how can one sound and be well at night and miraculously fall sick in the morn, and come to school in the afternoon for practical?

i wake up so FREAKING TIRED in the morning and i still drag myself to school, being a responsible student and all, who does not want to waste my parents' money on school fees. i have A TON OF WORK DUE (EETOKIA) and i still go to school. mere mortals like us bounded by the legislation work our way around it, not OVER IT, nor ignore it. i sleep seven hours and i wake up with a perpetual ache in my right shoulders that never go away, my mind tired because all i dreamt of was the work that will be due. i wake up not being able to breathe sometimes. do i tell anyone? no. at least not the whole story.

have you felt like you don't want to hide it anymore, that you need to tell it to someone? i have. and here i am spilling onto these pages because i am somewhat angry thanks to that person, though i still want him as a friend because he is a good friend, but hello, do you feel guilt? a struggle of choice. i don't think i'll ever survive as a moral nihilist, because there is one system of ethics, morals and actions that is better than the other.

donated blood today, and still getting a bruise on the elbow, like the last time:( but it is worth it, because i have indirectly saved three people:) i'm an ethical altruist.

to love, to hold and to treasure.

2010-02-17T23:17:00.005+08:00

watched valentine's day today with lijia, joel and walter:) the movie critics and reviewers can shove the bad reviews right back where they came from, because it is an AWESOME movie:)

to teach the lesson that many of us already know but often forget, or lose sight of- that to love someone means to love everything about the person, be it likable or unlikeable, and to treasure the person. if everyone understood this then perhaps the divorce rates might go down, because people think about that before they agree to a marriage proposal, or ask for a divorce. when you say your vows and agree to stand by the person, be it in sickness or in health, for poorer or for richer, you should mean every single word. when you promise to love to hold and to treasure, its a lifetime of commitment, not your whim and fancy.

love is not about gazing into each other's eyes, but about looking together in the same direction:)

i don't know why im writing so much about this now, but it is a fact i want to point out because SO MANY PEOPLE DON'T SEE IT:(

D-E-S-I-R-E

2010-02-16T22:48:00.004+08:00

i never saw myself as a juicy couture girl, but today, i saw products from juicy couture that just screams 'BUY ME!':)

Item 1: Juicy Couture Mini Charm Bracelet

had always been in love with a charm bracelet but never had gotten any:( i love the fact that you can get one with five charms for starters, then get one additional charm every birthday/anniversary to add onto it:) that's the reason why i never ever got any one a charm bracelet before- im selfish. i don't want someone to have something i want so badly and don't have:( tell me which girl doesn't secretly want a chram bracelet?:D gimme gimme!

Item 2: Juicy Couture Key and Heart necklace

its just silver. no other colours, just that, and i love it that way. best worn with ANY colour, with any neck line( esp V-neck and princess cuts). its extravagant in that tiny, princess-y way. what more does a girl need?

have to find some way to get those from neimanmarcus.com. both add up to a hundred plus US dollar and i haven't even included the SHIPPING fees:O o my... what to do?:/

because you are beautiful.

2010-02-15T01:23:00.002+08:00

day one of chinese new year- the day that is both anticipated and dreaded.

anticipation, because it is the time of the year where everyone gathers together in a place, have dinner at the table at odd timings, but always having space for another pair of chopsticks at the table, for another fresh off the stove snack, for another pineapple tart.It is the time of the year where we spend time with our immediate family, where students (temporarily) banish schoolwork from their minds (mine's lurking somewhere i swear:/) and share some special moments. it is days like this where those bonding moments are framed mentally, stored carefully, for future reference when we turn old, wrinkly, or simply when we feel like we almost forgot how their faces look like, that helps us remember. it always leaves me telling myself that i will make more time, that i will care, and treasure these people and these times, but it never is enough.

they have made a colourful splash of colour on the canvas of life. i always wanted to say this, but it does seem weird to say it out loud- you're beautiful, every single one of you:) because you made a difference in my life.

which brings me to my second feeling- the one of dread. the time of the year where you get a physical appraisal of your appearance from those relatives whom you see once a year. "you've grown so tall!" *smiles, you say the same every year, even though its been two years since i last grew any taller. "you've become so pretty/handsome." *smile, say thank you and wonder if i had not been pretty last year...* the dreaded sentence comes in the form of, "you seem to have grown more flesh/plump." *erm... i blame it on stress, then swear off the new year goodies for the next hour. but seriously, who gives a damn when they are all sitting there to be opened and consumed? eat now and worry later!*

i love my grandparents the best- because they always defend me so well:) "i think she looks pretty the way she is now. it suits her." "she just has heavier, well structured bones." "she's not fat. in fact, she's too skinny!" its so very endearing, and i love them truckloads:)

yet sometimes i dread the day, because it is a reminder that the elders are now one year older, and i cannot help but wonder if everyone would still be here next year. it seems as if they are the ones holding the family together, like what oxygen is to life, what sand is to the beach, what love is to relationships- integral. as the younger generation, we should take the time to reflect, to remember, to hold close to the heart the idea of a family. because without family, a rich man's poor. they are the people who have known you before you were anything but a tiny fetus without a name, who loves you minus all your achievements, unconditionally, selflessly.

on this special day, remember. because they really think that you are beautiful. it is in the eyes.

不切实际

2010-02-13T14:57:00.002+08:00

we always say that we would rather have something than nothing at all, but the truth is that it is harder to have something halfway than to have nothing at all. after all, you can't miss what you don't have, right?

did goal setting during pastoral care period on thurs. what the teachers said left a deep impression on me: "We know that all of you want to get the perfect score of 45, but it is also very important to be realistic and set goals that you think you are capable of achieving." talk about shattering dreams... this is one harsh way to do it. yet i am thankful for the wake up call it has given me- to return to reality, and not live consistently in a world where i will get a nearly perfect score and get into one of the oxbridge or ivy league schools and get first class honours.

our results at this juncture seem like everything now, but in five years time we will come to realise that nothing matters anymore, as usual. just one year after the o levels, who even talks about it anymore? hearing juniors comparing their points only served to remind me of the shallower me. i really do hope that i have grown to become a better human being.

他们说，照片能让一瞬间变成永恒。那么，可以让我把脑海里的一切不切实际的梦想拍下来，镶起来吗？不在乎天长地久，只在乎曾经拥有，全都是一派胡言，废话，安慰话，借口。

university.college applications

2010-02-09T22:03:00.002+08:00

had an enlightening career guidance talk today, and i worked through my choices and options with the teacher. thank god for COG talks, or else i think i'll probably miss deadlines and not know it:O the horror...

applications for Uk unis open in july, and closes in oct. omg. omg. omg. this means i have to do UCAS, personal statements and interviews inbetween mid terms and prelims. US unis are open at that period too, and early decision is announced in november/december, right after IB exams. what to do what to do what to do? need to take my SATs too! and some aptitude tests for the UK unis.

after all the worry and frustrations, i got asked the one question which i feared the MOST: WHAT IS YOUR FALLBACK CHOICE? i dread thinking about it, as if running away from it would make the problem disappear:/ well...i suppose... NUS? not that it is bad, but it has been my childhood dream to go to uni abroad, so PLEASE LET IT COME TRUE:) its everything i'll ask for. i promise:)

limits are in the mind, not in reality. dream big, achieve big:)

potential

2010-02-07T22:32:00.002+08:00

like a fish out of water,
how can anything right feel so wrong?

like a child who lost her way,
im right here waiting for your lead.

like a tree which had shed its leaves,
barren, hollow, but still surviving.

like a soccer boots without the spikes,
a porcupine without its spines,
what defenses do i have left?

when you take it apart,
then realise you forgot how to put it back together,
what do you do?

when all that is said
is nothing that you want to hear,
is there really anything left to say?

like an essay without words,
you're nothing without identity.

truth is never ugly, just painful and beautiful.

being shallow takes effort

2010-02-06T18:27:00.004+08:00

been feeling somewhat tired and lethargic this week. it's crazy, really, to expect that people will slow down for you, that they will treat you with a sincere heart. sometimes its kinda hard to know if that person really means what he's saying, because no one can see what is running through his head. if there was one ability i can have, it would be to read minds, every single thought.

everyone's like done or nearly done with the IAs and EEs and im still there, stuck in between, neither here nor there. there's a negative gravity pulling my down, and trying to find book sources is almost like breathing in water- painful and difficult. i've always wondered why some people say that EE is hard- now the truth is slammed right into my face. not a pretty sight.

when i stop, look back and then think, i realised that life is really shallow soemtimes. in five years, would your IB results still matter? if it doesn't, then why does is matter so damn much now? almost as if it loses its value exponentially once we get it. crave something that you don't have, yet once you get it, you push it aside. perhaps all of us have to first fall really really hard before we learn to treasure ourselves and the little things we have in life. sometimes i cannot help but feel that some people don't act their age, and it pisses me off- a lot, sadly.

how can you be nearly eighteen and still think and act like an immature teenager barely sixteen? hello? is there really just grey fluff in your heads? those girls- i really wonder of their shallow existence is all they care about. because one day they will wake up and realise that they have achieved nothing- still stuck at the bottom tier of that self actualization tree.

im sorry. i didn't mean to take it out on my readers (that is, if i even have any), but it does feel better to get it all out:)

life right now

2010-02-02T18:52:00.002+08:00

Quote of the day i discovered:
There are four questions of value in life. What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same. Only love.
— Johnny Depp

been a little stressed lately... thanks to History EE and IA which i have no idea how to get started:( feeling a little lost, and a little scared, but after talking to Ping i think i might just survive IB afterall:) afterall, how difficult is it to present your case, discuss a counter claim, tear it apart, and push for your own claim? apparently, it is VERY difficult:X

i know i need to do my work. i know it. but i cannot find it in me to do it:X bleh. wish my homework would just write itself, but no such luck, they say. to look at it subjectively, i can say that its hard, but to look at it objectively, im just too lazy to do it. im just like Bernada Alba's daughters, and the Three Sisters, too lazy to effect a change in life, only complaining.

knowledge is dependent on context they say, and i say knowledge is in the hands of the pursuer.

hope you're having a way nicer life than mine right now. though i wonder if i'll look back ten years later and realise how easy IB was. IB a nerd now, IB your boss next time:P HAHA:)

It's just grey fluff in the head

2010-01-30T23:06:00.003+08:00

favourite quotes from my favourite bear: WINNIE THE POOH:)he's really wise you know. if everyone hears one or two sentences of what he says, the world will be a nicer place.

When you are angry because someone did something stupid to upset you...
-> People who don't Think probably don't have Brains; rather, they have grey fluff that's blown into their heads by mistake.

When you feel inferior and less smart...
->Those who are clever, who have a Brain, never understand anything.

When you are feeling unkind...
->A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.

When you care too much about something...
->Don't underestimate the value of Doing Nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can't hear, and not bothering.

When you want something to last forever but it did not:(
->I used to believe in forever . . . but forever was too good to be true.

When you get impatient with your friend and upset that he cares too little to listen...
->If the person you are talking to doesn't appear to be listening, be patient. It may simply be that he has a small piece of fluff in his ear.

When parting...
->If there ever comes a day when we can't be together keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever.

When bullying someone, remember this...
->Just because an animal is large, it doesn't mean he doesn't want kindness; however big Tigger seems to be, remember that he wants as much kindness as Roo.

When you feel at a loss and indecisive...
->When looking at your two paws, as soon as you have decided which of them is the right one, then you can be sure the other one is the left.

When you're thinking of what to give as a bdae present...
->Nobody can be uncheered by a balloon.

i feel semi-motivated enough to want to get started on an essay on Paddy Clarke. tomorrow:)goodnight world. today was a beautiful day. drama makes the world a better place:)

让一切简单化

2010-01-27T21:40:00.002+08:00

累了,却睡不着.
苦衷,说不出.

有时候真希望能到未来看看,让自己知道自己努力的成果,看一看这一切是否值得.功课不多,却无法静下心去做.东西不难,却一直说难,不肯试.快十八岁了,却还是不成熟,仍像小学生一样,只知道投诉.心里的挣扎,很难战胜.常常被诱惑,变得软弱. 什么时候才能告诉自己-做功课,别做别的!-呢?

有时还真希望有人能用力敲敲我的头,让我整顿思绪,往自己的目标前进.

我还真个问题小孩.

holiday. not.

2010-01-25T09:25:00.004+08:00

have today off- no school! all thanks to my seniors who did especially well for their IBDP 2009 exams:) hopefully, our cohort will do well too, and give our juniors the much deserved holiday:)

yet this one day isnt enough. i got a little more sleep (woke up at 8.30:)) and nothing else done. i have history readings to do- alot of them, such that it is SCARY, and im still here blogging. what am i doing?

things to read:
1. 100 day reforms of Guangxu Emperor
2. Chinese failure to modernise between 1861-95
3. Japanese Meiji Revolution
4. Media and the Rwanda Genocide
5. Survivors's accounts of the Cambodian Genocide
6. Women and the Rwandan Genocide
7. Rwanda Ministry of Justice report
etc etc etc.

looks like i'll never get round to finishing it:( its like a history overdose, much as i love that subject.

not to mention paddy clarke ha ha ha for english. i survived three sisters, i probably will survive it- i think. sometimes like just gets in the way, most of the time, and we find ourselves making excuses for things that should be done today, and promise that we will do it some other day in the near future. and the result? we never get around to doing it.

procrastination is such a BAD HABIT:(

to the few who will actually read this post, DONT PROCRASTINATE LIKE I DO, it does you no good, and all the bad:/ i will, like you, try not to do so anymore in the near future. its like swimming against the current, but im prepared to do so, or die trying.

fustration

2010-01-24T16:41:00.008+08:00

currently VERY FUSTRATED due to a language barrier. a barrier which i intend to overcome- after IB. i NEED TO KNOW HOW TO READ KOREAN. and to type it! rawr.

so many webpages about my beloved halleyu stars and i CANNOT UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY ARE SAYING. tried and failed: google webpage translator, worldlingo etc. man. i swear i'll master the korean language. watch me. well, to start with, can someone introduce me to a korean who can speak both korean and english for a start??:)

now i finally know how being not so proficient in a language can be. its like looking at something cryptic- only it isnt, only that it is CRYPTIC TO ME. language sure is an important way of knowing. dont underestimate language- it is key to understanding culture, traditions and way of life. without it, you are G-O-N-E.

till the day i master the language, im afraid i'll just have to wait:(

abnormal is the new normal

2010-01-22T22:53:00.006+08:00

Patrick: hey spongebob, how have you been?
Spongebob: Oh, just being normal.
Patrick: What's that?

normalcy no longer exists. in this world where we are consumed by work, by commercialism, by the new and the old, we no longer have 'normal' defined. what exactly is normal?

life have been anything but normal. cannot even begin to describe what work i have this weekend, for it is piling oh-so-high. is there a chance to take a break? the teachers all give the same reply, during one of the rare times they possess a united front- you can take a break after November.

November. i can feel my heart pulsating at what i can do after that. worry free months spent frolicking in the sun, laughing over lunch with friends, doing what i like. after so long, it'd better be worth my while.

been kinda moody today- has it perhaps, got to do with the lifelessness i've been feeling lately? been snapping at people who care about me, been impatient with people who had been patient with me. been critical of people who had nothing to do with me. really, the horns are rearing already- it's time to be more gracious and humane. i'm sorry:(

Princeton. Harvard. Yale. Cambridge. Oxford. King's. oh so far away. perhaps in the next lifetime?

it's about what i can do

2010-01-21T15:56:00.002+08:00

never let anyone put you down, or put you out. never let anyone tell you that something is too hard, or out of reach, because nothing is- only if you try. sometimes it seems so difficult to continue- to even see purpose in what i am doing.

was filing all the past biology IAs that i had done- this sense of accomplishment surged up from within me. sometimes, we are just too focused on the present that we forget the past had held, and what the future may hold. it only holds nothing if we say there isn't anything.

when you seem to have lost sight of your goals, stop, take a deep breath and refocus:) it might not be as far as it seemed to be.

i think i can. therefore, i can:)

Princeton School of International Studies, Public and International Affairs:) i want.

2010: be sticky:)

2010-01-20T22:15:00.003+08:00

a belated resolution i made: a simpler one this year. i promise that i'll do my best to keep to it:)

LAUGH. LOVE. LIVE

LAUGH. to find satisfaction in everything i have to do. not choose to do what i like, but to like what i do:)

LOVE. to love my friends and family, to love myself. to treasure every single angel i have in my life:)

LIVE. i promise to live the year to my fullest, to live each year as if it were my last. i promise to be more compassionate, passionate, loving, understanding and PATIENT.

a professor asked his class, when holding a glass half filled with water, "Is this heavy?" The students shook their heads.

"It is not heavy when we hold it for one minute, or two." everyone agreed.
"But your hand gets tired when you hold it for an hour, hand outstretched." he looked at his students, and continued,"if i hold it till tomorrow, you'll probably need to call me an ambulance." the class laughed. what was the purpose of his speech?

our problems are like that glass of water- if we carry them with us too long, we get weighed down. so learn to put it down, rest, before picking it up again:)

thank god its friday

2010-01-15T22:06:00.004+08:00

never used to understand the full meaning of what this phrase meant... until today. just felt this weird kind of exhaustion that washes, wave after wave onto me, until i felt like i had almost been eroded into nothing. been sleeping near midnight and waking up at like, 5.30am to do my work. i wouldnt dare say that we have alot of work, but rather, i lack the motivation and discipline to do it. but im trying, i really am. for now, despite all my 'whining', i still manage to get it done on time. hopefully, it stays that way:)

EE's been what im stressing over, so stop telling that because it is less demanding content wise for IB, it is easier than A levels, cos IT IS NOT. the IAs and EE, not to mention math port and all those weird things,more than makes up for it. im one fickle minded person when it comes to EE, forever wanting to do another topic that i brillantly came up with, giving my mentor so much trouble:/ but this time, i promise, i will stick with it. scouts honour (though im not a scout=.=)

had drama rehearsal today after school. one word- fantabulous. i felt alive again, acting, like im no longer who i am, but one of the characters in the play. though im actually the director so im actually just covering for the absentees. but i wanna shout it loudly to the world: I LOVE DRAMA. it helps me destress, and i love the people in it. we fun loving, exciting drama people. i will never give it up in favour of another CCA. im glad that i actually grit my teeth and auditioned for drama last year, during orientation. i thought i was going to die of embarassment, cos the others were SO GOOD, but i suppose the teachers saw something (till this day i still dont know what) and took me in:)

my motivation:

the girlies in our performance pose:)

drama queens:)

im lucky to always find something that keeps me going- student council in sec sch, and now drama in jc years:)

after drama, once i got home? it was tv and facebook all the way. i feel guilty. i should be doing my work i suppose. i keep telling myself that i have tomorrow and sunday- who am i kidding? we all know that its never enough. my to do list has like, fifteen items, all homeowork due next week. i am way behind already:(

faith is when you can only see 50 meters ahead, but knowing that you have 5km to go, but never giving up, always trusting that you will find your way. i'm off to find mine now:)

tired. puffy. dead looking.

2010-01-12T20:32:00.003+08:00

school's tiring. although we get released earlier this year than last year, i feel as if im not doing anything productive. like at least, last year, i had an excuse because we end late. this year? NONE. really feel like crap inside already.

all the teachers tell us that with consistent work, we'll make it through. and madam was so hopeful ,proclaiming after bio lab session that she's looking at all 40 pointers and above. well, i wish i shared her confidence.

i know i want it. i know, that with some effort, i can do it. so why on earth is it so hard to PUT IN SOME FREAKING EFFORT FOR GOD'S SAKE? it is beyond me, really. and i just hope that as the weeks stretch into months, i will feel more motivated. at least a tiny bit.

EE. IA. TOK. world lit essay. blah blah blah. life is a demanding cycle. wonder what it feels like to look back and tell people happily, "i survived IB." i want to feel the sense of accomplishment, of confidence that i can have the future i want myself to have.

less tv, less facebook would do me a whole lot of good. i think. but then again, i dont fb much anymore. its the tv. but its what keeps me sane while having to find that 'unique' link between miss julie and house of bernada alba- perhaps the treatment of absentee characters, or mayb the effect gossiping of the servants on the plays, the servant's domination over the mistress of the house? i dont know.

aargh. rarely have i been more irritated than at peace, and this is the year. THE YEAR.

well, everyone's gotta start somewhere i suppose. im gonna start now by finishing my readings on circulation and immunity, then finally get started on my chem pract report, and perhaps do some SL math to make myself happy before i sleep.

sounds good? never been better. DRAMA TOMORROW!:) can't wait!

why is monday so far from friday, but friday so close to monday?:(

seven

2010-01-07T20:35:00.002+08:00

that perfect number which every single IB student yearns for. perfection that to many seemed beyond reach, but still, to all, a goal to be achieved.

seven- the number of the natural world. the world has, for a long time been fascinated with 7, which represents the world of nature, and 8, beyond nature. 7 days of the week, 7 musical notes in an octave, 7 directions, 7 physical attributes.

the number of perfection.

without seven, the physical world literally cannot exist.

no wonder that's all we think about these days...

im happy that i got a seven for chinese. well, as the teachers put it, "just repeat this five more times." i wished it was this easy:)

Anticipation

2010-01-05T19:43:00.004+08:00

stomach churning, as if it had never been calm.

breathing shallow, as if anytime it could stop.

thoughts wandering, as if lost within the little brain cavity.

heart thumping, as if anticipating, yet also fearing what the news might be.

i hope it wasnt all for nothing, that it was not all a lie, but reality. a reality that would descend upon us in a few hours. hold your breath, cause whether you let it out anot depends on whether you made it.

it is nonsense that failure isnt really a failure until you give up. sometimes, it simply is failure.

新年快乐

2010-01-01T01:08:00.003+08:00

转眼，已经是2010年了。。。一瞬间，突然长大了。

2009年，快乐过，伤心过。成功过，失望过。生气过，原谅过。叹气过，质疑过。

庆幸的是，在2009年里，没有放弃过。在艰难的，都熬过去了。人家说，只许成功，不许失败，我却说，只许撑着，不许放弃。咬紧牙关，什么都可以撑过，不是吗？

庆辛的是，旧的友情经得起时间的考验，新的友情也逐渐在生活里扎根。一寸光阴一寸金，寸金难买寸光阴。走过的日子，会一辈子记得，死都不忘。一切的努力，值得。

庆幸的是，我长大了。还没完全掌握，但开始懂了人情世故，开始不用逻辑去推测，而学着用心去体会。有些代价，使不能用金钱去衡量的。在不知所措的时候，静下来，跟着心走，因为就算被现在冲昏头，心仍然会记得那纯真的志愿，理想，感觉。

2010年，有好多东西想做，好多东西想尝试，体验，但最重要的就是要撑过。这一年，或许会很辛苦，但只要告诉自己，相信自己，再苦的日子依然会充实，有意义。

笑，因为能让你更快乐。
勇气，因为能让你学着去面对。
耐心，因为能让你期待雨过天晴。
信心，因为能让你相信明天会更好。

2010年，我要真实地对待自己，真诚地对待朋友与家人。

あげましておめでとうございます！
勇気をだしいて、希望をもって：）

those words keep slipping away..,

2009-12-19T21:59:00.004+08:00

i don't want to sleep but i don't want to stay awake. i don't want to breathe but i don't want to hold my breath. that very feel of restlessness, of not knowing what to do anymore- it is becoming more and more familiar, frighteningly so. losing interest in everything... except for happily ever afters. i'm waiting. still.

sometimes i wonder if it'll ever come. i've seen so many examples around me- how two imperfects make one perfect. sometimes its not that hard, but we try too hard. maybe if we step back and take a look then we'll find happiness lurking in a corner? like it is that easily found.

how i look on the outside is not what i feel on the inside. does yours match up? or is it a mismatch like mine? perhaps the difference is what we call personality- because the difference in every individual is different?they say happiness is inward... so if i have less inside, does it mean that im less happy?

seeing the world once a year- that's my happiest moments. to go somewhere other than staying here. i like being on the move. i enjoy being on the move- to miss home rather than be home. in that way, im weird i suppose. to know that there is so much more out there, to feel the endless possibilities, to challenge myself to adapt to a new place.

im finally figuring myself out. well, starting to. 2010. a whole new start. i want be anywhere where but here. im going to figure out how to do that.

truly, madly. deeply.

2009-12-11T03:17:00.003+08:00

I'll be your dream,
I'll be your wish I'll be your fantasy.
I'll be your hope,
I'll be your love be everything that you need.
I love you more with every breath truly madly deeply do..
I will be strong I will be faithful
'cause I'm counting on

A new beginning.
A reason for living.
A deeper meaning.

I want to stand with you on a mountain.
I want to bathe with you in the sea.
I want to lay like this forever.
til the sky falls down on me...

And when the stars are shining brightly in the velvet sky,
I'll make a wish send it to heaven then make you want to cry..
The tears of joy for all the pleasure and the certainty.
That we're surrounded by the comfort and protection of..
The highest power. In lonely hours. The tears devour you..

I want to stand with you on a mountain,
I want to bathe with you in the sea.
I want to lay like this forever,
Until the sky falls down on me...

Oh can't you see it baby?
You don't have to close your eyes
'cause it's standing right before you.
All that you need will surely come...

I'll be your dream
I'll be your wish I'll be your fantasy.
I'll be your hope
I'll be your love be everything that you need.
I'll love you more with every breath truly madly deeply do...

I want to stand with you on a mountain,
I want to bathe with you in the sea.
I want to lay like this forever,
Until the sky falls down on me...

if only everything was this simple... i realised that life could be simpler- only if we attempt to simplify it. but what is ironic that we were the ones who started complicating things first, weren't we? you only know love when you've been burned, that the grass is no greener on the other side when you get to the other side, that what you give is what you will get in return.

back. for the time being:)

2009-11-30T18:08:00.003+08:00

since no one reads this blog anymore, i figured that all my updates are basically just a form of stashing my memories somewhere.

finally back from new york. well, been back for almost... four days?:) still missing the weather there. and the bargain shopping. and central park. been so caught up with my life that i seem to be slowing missing fragments of it- friends especially. want to say a sorry to all my friends whom i care for and who cares for me, who love me so much that they do their best to rein me in:) thank you for not abandoning me when i somehow am stupid enough to lose touch with you:)

they say love is like a crystal ball. wonderful, but fragile. the feeling of being shattered- i dont see how i can describe it to justify just how much it hurts- but i wont wish it upon anyone. i might have accidentally caused it, and whoever i hurt, i'm sorry. really, truly, deeply. i didnt mean it. hope i didnt shatter any crystal balls this holidays:X i love all my friends:)

make me less selfish. make me more deserving of the love i have gotten, and am still getting. make me more thankful. make me strong. please. it's all i want.

For the days filled with nothing but sadness... a little happiness, goes a long way.

2009-11-14T15:06:00.004+08:00

How do we effectively use language to spread the good, kindness and beauty of the world? How do we use language to make the world a bette place? More often than not, we use language to hurt people, to cause pain. Think of the number of times a certain vulgar word coming out of your mouth out of anger? Think of the number of times you have been on the receiving end of such words? We might have laughed it off, attributing it to our short tempered-ness, but underneath, had we really been hurt by it, no matter whether the person meant it or not? Think again:)

Here's a little story to see how we can make this world a better place, full of compassionate people, and how language can cause this change:)

A blind boy sat on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet. He held up a sign which said: “I am blind, please help.” There were only a few coins in the hat.
A man was walking by. He took a few coins from his pocket and dropped them into the hat. He then took the sign, turned it around, and wrote some words.
He put the sign back so that everyone who walked by would see the new words.

Soon the hat began to fill up. A lot more people were giving money to the blind boy. That afternoon the man who had changed the sign came to see how things were. The boy recognized his footsteps and asked, “Were you the one who changed my sign this morning? What did you write?”
The man said, “I only wrote the truth. I said what you said but in a different way.”
What he had written was: “Today is a beautiful day and I cannot see it.”
Do you think the first sign and the second sign were saying the same thing?
Of course both signs told people the boy was blind. But the first sign simply said the boy was blind. The second sign told people they were so lucky that they were not blind. Should we be surprised that the second sign was more effective?

Something for you who reads it:)

“I asked for Strength…and I was given difficulties to make me strong. I asked for Wisdom…and I was given problems to solve. I asked for Prosperity…and I was given a brain and brawn to work. I asked for Courage…and I was given obstacles to overcome. I asked for Love…and I was given troubled people to help. I asked for Favours…and I was given opportunities. I received nothing I wanted, but I received everything I needed. Live life without fear, confront all obstacles and know that you can overcome them.”

have you ever?

2009-11-02T17:42:00.002+08:00

have you ever struggled to breathe?
have you ever had trouble focusing on exhaling and inhaling?
have you ever felt the fear when you realised you cant control the above two?
have you ever wondered what's wrong with yourself and blame it all on paranoia?
have you ever go to sleep wondering if you will wake up tomorrow?
have you ever felt like you feel like you could see where you will be in ten years but have no idea how to get from now till then?
have you ever wondered that if the world ends tomorrow, how much regrets would you have?
have you ever wondered if people whom you care for cares for you?
have you ever felt like putting everything down, chucking everything you ever owned out of the window in a bid to remember who you were before all these things masked the true you?
have you ever been at a loss of what to do?
have you ever felt like you are losing control, that you no longer know what will happen in the next second?
have you ever felt that you were not good enough, no matter what you did, no matter how hard you try?
have you ever wished so hard that you would fall sick miraculously and not go to school the next day?
have you ever felt like everything you are doing is wrong, from the EE to the TOK essay to the IAs?
have you ever felt like crying when you ask for help and all people say is to hang in there and you will soon figure it out?

i have.

what if i never figure it out? ever?

Always remember...

2009-10-20T22:52:00.002+08:00

note to self:

yesterday's history, tomorrow's mystery but today's a gift:) that's why its called the present!

success always happens in private, but failure happens in full view:/

intelligence must follow faith, never precede it and never destroy it:)

Life is seldom as unendurable as, to judge by the facts, it logically ought to be>.<

Ignorance is not innocence but sin.

where do i go from here?

2009-10-08T21:07:00.002+08:00

Is it really fair? Is it really fair to make fourteen year olds choose their subject combinations that will dictate where they can go and what they can do when they grow up into mature, sensible individuals? is it fair for a system to start eliminating people from young and then tell the eliminated ones that its ok, we have special schools and programs to suit your special needs? neither is it fair to place so much stress on kids since primary school.

have you gone shopping in the primary school assessment books section in POPULAR? just go to any branch. it freaking scares me. the tables after tables of assessment books, the SALE posters put up next to it- 3 for 10 dollars. parents just snapping the books up by the baskets, not even considering if their child can handle it on top of school work. what makes a kid not do well in school, and lose interest in learning, and fear exams? it is the day to day learning process that snuffed out that little fire in their little hearts and minds. obviously, some of the resilient ones survive, but what about the others? andrew er, and those weekly sci/eng/chi/math revisions, plus exam papers from top schools. do we really need them?

it is no wonder why the education industry is so lucrative, just think of the thousands of kiasu parents out there who cannot wait to pour their money into assessment books. parents who hem, how many ever went through what the books are about, the contents or if it is suitable for their children? how many looked through it and attempts them? he one universal solution parents turn to- TUITION. is it just me or do others also realise that tuition here does not only mean clearing doubts about syllabus, but about getting your child ahead to be number one.

i just have a very logical statement to make. there is only ONE NUMBER ONE. so what if your child is not it? what if it isnt because your child is not good, but because he made a few careless mistakes, or misread the questions? does it mean that he/she is not good? does it? how many parents have ever told their children that they will always be number one in their hearts, that they will love them regardless of results? does it not matter now?

parents don't give birth to a child to brag about his/her results. if the child do well, great, added bonus. if the child does not do well despite working hard, encourage him/her, not SEND THEM FOR TUITION. many singaporean couples cite high cost of living and education as reasons to have lesser children, but think about it- who is the one who insists on their child having tuition, on buying assessment books?

nuff said.

then now, where do i go from here? how do i realise my dreams? no one can tell me how to get there, and all tell me the same thing- just get good results and all the doors will be open to you. but what i really want to do is not something that requires fantabulous results. i want to host my own show on discovery travel and living. i want to open a bakery, to become a chef. i want to counsel little children, i want to educate parents on making the right choice for their children.
can someone tell me how do i get about doing anything?

i'm tired. sometimes, it just seems like the road ahead is all fogged up, and i cant see more than where i am now.

Call me mad

2009-10-05T20:29:00.002+08:00

Day 1 of exams tomorrow:/ seemed so surreal, that im at the end of my first year in IB. wish i had more time in it:)

paper 1: english A1 aka eng lit. unseen prose/poem commentary.

might as well kill me now. like seriously. all those lit terms and lit effects are driving me nuts. how do we even incorporate it into the commentary?

Alliteration: repetition of same consonant sound at beginning of words. Five minutes mugging makes me mad. (it totally draws attention to the idea that im going mad=.=)

Assonance: repetition of similiar vowel sounds. There will be tears dropping down and noses blown. (you must be wondering whats the diff bet this and alliteration right? go figure it out.)

Caricature: a character exaggerated through its features. dont even get me started.

Colloquial: typical everyday language. like duh. it's what im doing now.

Connotation: an implication or association with a word, suggested but not explicit. Even the laziest people are mugging hard for the promos. (i'm implying that it is really important.)

Enjambment: line of verse flowing onto next line without pause.

eg. and there will be no end
to our misery.

Hyperbole: deliberate exaggeration. this year's promos are a matter of life and death.

Irony: saying one thing while meaning the other. i'm laughing at my sad life.(get it??:))

Juxtaposition: when two objects/ideas oppose each other. just like me and exams. zero affinity no?

Motif: a dominant theme, subject or idea that runs through the text that is of symbolic importance.

Oxymoron: joins words of opposite meaning- living dead. bitter sweet. need i say more?

Paradox: contradictory statement that contains great truth. basically, the paradox is that exams are a good way to examine our ability. not.

Pun: same sound, diff word, diff meaning. red. read. (taken from Ever ready bank accounts by Wole Soyinka)

And i could go on and on.... somehow. it seemed kinda stuck in my head. hopefully i'll remember them while writing tomorrow. i really really really really dont wanna end up in study camp!:/

wish me luck:)

renewal

2009-09-26T17:08:00.001+08:00

how one is so insignificant, but many of these insignificance gives you something that blows you away.

WAIT AND WATCH. i'll do just this:)

strength

2009-09-17T16:29:00.003+08:00

Snowflakes are one of nature's most fragile things, but just look what they do when they stick together.

Emotional range of a pea

2009-09-14T23:47:00.002+08:00

PROMOS are in exactly 22 days.OMG.yup, promos. why do i use that word? simply because if i dont happen to get more than 12 points for my 3 HLs combined, that's it- retained. even if i get the desired points, there's a second round before we can advance to year 6. we need to finish our EE and TOK essay BY THIS YEAR. END OF THIS YEAR- a new regulation introduced by the school just... TODAY:/ groans. 4 thousand word research essay on Rwanda, plus my TOK essay in which the topics havent been released meaning i have NO HEADSTART. gosh. sometimes i feel like im simply overwhelmed this year. truly, madly, deeply overwhelmed.

Lee Kong Chian lib gonna be my second home this holidays, and i shall grow fat and stumpy after sitting, eating and reading the whole day (repeat cycle for 1.5 months) AAAH. venting is good. i dont really feel alot nowadays, probably just the slightest happiness, and rare at peace, and most worried and anxious. but im still procrastinating. i need to get a grip on my life.

IB's not hard at all, says the teachers. i think otherwise. then again, havent the teachers told me the same thing during O levels, and i thought otherwise, only to come to realise that O levels was EASY LIKE S**T as compared to THIS. i wished i ahd ten year series to practise on. I WISH, wholeheartedly. its the same stage in life where i feel stressed and vent my frustrations by wasting my time doing nothing- an act of rebellion that gets me no where. i'm not a self professed mugger, but dire states call for dire action- i have decided to convert, at least for the next three weeks. i'll try as hard as i can to not stray from the path of a mugger (but i highly doubt i can), still, a girl can try, cant she?:) wish me luck!

i need to bake. bake away all my stress. cookies, cupcakes, brownies. next up? meringues. the heavenly things in life are oh-so-mortal. cant wait to bite into the sweet treat i'm attempting next.

till my next rant, thank you people for reading (doubt there are many, perhaps one or two?) and I LOVE YOU ALL:) <3<3<3

真正的自己

2009-09-02T23:54:00.002+08:00

今天，好苦恼哦。一时之间，不知道如何是好。他们常说不进则退，今天，我又感觉到自己在往后退。为什么每次到了必须做出决定的时候，总是被她阻碍呢？为什么每次自己心里明明不高兴，却都忍了下来呢？为什么会害怕她生气而不能鼓起勇气说出自己想要的是什么？想起她，就联想到了自己少有的自由。每次出门，都担心不能及时赶回家而得挨骂，而在她心情不好的时候会罚我下次不能外出。这样的感觉，一直甩不掉。跟朋友出门时都不能好好放松，内心深处一直担心，担心错过回家的时间。

为什么就是不肯体会，谅解？为什么每次都需要别人的谅解呢？感觉上很矛盾- 一直说我长大了，能有多点自由，自己却放不开。似乎已经开始喘不过气了。吸一口气，费了不少力。这样的挣扎，要持续多久？得人饶处且饶人，她到底懂不懂？我好想，好像去，想到快疯了。这次的活动对我的重要性，她没能理解。自己的心血，一手的策划，败在自己没有勇气去争求。即可怜，也可悲。常说，每一次都说重要，似乎在骗人。但有没有想过，或许因为我每次都尽心尽力去做，奉献了自己的全部，所以把它当作对自己的一种肯定？投诉Ａ平时爱理不理，希望他能多参与，却怨我一天到晚忙这个，忙那个。公平？省着点儿吧。

我知道她担心我应付不来，但要我做什么她才能相信我了解自己的能力，没那么大的头就不会戴那么大的帽呢？担心过度，好像变成了一种累赘。保护，不一定有效。有时你越想保护，反而会弄桥翻浊，弄得我们却想叛逆。‘年轻人’这三个字，承担了所有的责任。

谈宗教。我不得不承认，我对宗教，似乎还是一头污水。真正的信仰是什么？年轻人嘛，一时冲动就会说只相信自己。我？我相信天外有天，人外有人。我相信宇宙的秘密，相信奇迹，相信把握机会。神?内心深处知道有一个神，控制着世界的逻辑，但宗教...那个神才是真正的‘神’呢？我还需要仔细想想。但只要谈到这个话题，我的意见，被埋没了。

好辛苦。

恨不得能快点长大，让自己的意见被重视。

utilitarianism. NOT

2009-08-27T20:28:00.002+08:00

haven't blogged in a month... missed having an outlet for my emotions, a place to vent and a place to share. well, hardly anyone reads it, so it can be like my personal diary?

its honours'day in school tomorrow, and a few of my classmates are getting awards:)very happy for them that their efforts in sec 1-4 are recognised, but still, i cant help but sulk and complain that tomorrow would be a total waste of time. the concept of utility- the measure of the worth of an action by its outcome- so to speak, would reflect that since i would derive little pleasure in witnessing and attending the award ceremony with a thousand plus award-ees that lasts for THREE HOURS, would mean that theoretically, i should just not go. the event would not contribute much to my overall happiness nor pleasure. yes, i should show my support to my classmates and attend the ceremony, but that three hours, excluding travel time back and forth home, could be better used elsewhere, like going to the SAFTI library to collect materials for my history IA which is due NEXT WEEK. or writing my TOk essay, or working on my TOK presentation, OR doing my report for bio pract 16.

Act utilitarianism states that, when faced with a choice, we must first consider the likely consequences of potential actions and, from that, choose to do what we believe will generate most pleasure. The rule utilitarian, on the other hand, begins by looking at potential rules of action.If adherence to the rule produces more happiness than otherwise, it is a rule that morally must be followed at all times. so...act utilitarianism speaking, i should stay home and do my work and be productive tomorrow as it generates pleasure not just for me, but for my teachers when i hand in my work on time. YET, rule utilitarianism speaking, i should go to school so i wont be breaking the rule as i do not have an MC and madam would be happy that i am supporting my classmates though i get ZERO PLEASURE AND HAPPINESS (ok, mayb one tiny bit cos im cheering my classmates on). individual interest versus a greater sum of lesser interests- WHAT DO I DO NOW?

really, life sometimes is nothing but irony. can do this, cannot do that. bounded by the very rules that we are trying to break or bypass. if we keep doing things for the greater good, is it alright to live a life whereby you are never happy but you make everyone happy? or is it better to live a life whereby you are happy at the expense of others? i would say a little of both wouldn't hurt,but where do we draw the line?

TOK is a GREAT subject, but well, too great. it makes us think beyond what we usually do, teaches us to challenge concepts and viewpoints, to think about why we think. but tonight, its making my head spin and tugging my heart in TWO OPPOSITE directions:/

i'm an NSK, so what?:)

2009-07-25T20:32:00.007+08:00

they say to begin with the end in mind. i suppose we all do, but what happens when we stumble along the way, and can no longer see clearly ahead? many slip through the cracks, and dont reach their full potential. some cannot reach it due to certain obstacles. who is there to help us who lost our ways, who cannot see the light ahead? i know i want to get from point A to point B, but no one is telling me what im doing wrong, or show me the right way.

ever gotten the feeling of hanging in there with just a very very thin line, that if that line broke you might just fall straight into a bottomless abyss? that raw feeling that controls you, that subdues the inner thirst to simply let go? why do we forever find ourselves struggling to move ahead, to be better than others, to have more than others? why are we not contented with what we have?

most parents love comparing their child's grades with another, being a little bit showy if their child did well, but have they not considered the feelings of the parents of the child who did not so well? have they ever thought of how this would cause another child more pressure to do well, perhaps earn the child a series of scoldings or beatings? how can anyone be so selfish as to do that to another i dont know, but i see it happening around me every time. Havent hose parents thought about how it would affect friendship between the children, how turning it competitive made it easier to lose true friends? is academic importance so important that it takes importance over the child growing up in a healthy, happy environment, loved by family and friends? why are parents putting their own kids down, telling them that their friends are better etc etc? it is either the fact that these parents are completely shallow and selfish or that they simply ignore this fact.

why is it that schools have "ranks"? that some are recognised as elite, prestigious schools while other schools are stereotyped as neighbourhood schools with lousy students? sometimes, i realised, that it is among those who have been labelled as neighbourhood school kids (NSK) that true friendships really form and last, and in the so called "elite" schools that people are on some levels more superficial and conniving? would you rather have a few true friends or many hi and bye friends? i would rather have the former. true friends are worth their weight in gold, while hi bye friends are only worth their weight in stone. who are the haughty and mighty to label us as NSK? says who that we NSK cannot do anything in life? sometimes i get really defensive and even pissed off when people start labelling others and gossiping about other people. i mean, it really isnt any of your business isnt it? put yourself in the shoes of the person you're gossiping about, wont you feel hurt? sometimes, we do need to be more considerate and gracious. no matter how we do not like someone, we need to be able to see it from another point of view: that to someone else, that very person whom we dislike might be a son, a daughter, a friend, a nephew, a niece, a grandchild. now how would we feel if someone does or says something nasty about own own siblings and cousins?

it takes just the slightest bit to tip a person's world view, to mould that person into a murderer, a terrorist, a rapist. if we all show a little bit more love and tolerance, wouldnt our world be a better place? if only we are all aware of how much power our love, understanding and care holds, then perhaps, we will all make a more conscious effort to show it?

LIVE AND LET LIVE:) DONT GOSSIP, IT HURTS. SHARE LOVE, IT HEALS:)

finding my footing

2009-07-22T10:57:00.002+08:00

term three's whizzing by and in a flash, we're three weeks in to it:) one never will know when a blink of an eye would bring them back to the past, or will it propel them into the future. This year, i've fallen sick for at least three times- like majorly, MC requiring kinda sick. It's weird really, because in the past, i dont fall super sick except for like, once in two years? i can count the number of days of MC i've taken in Jurong in less than two hands. Two days, if i'm not wrong. Yet, just two terms into school at ACSI, i've taken three days already.

perhaps its the stress? the doctor was like, sometimes, even when you dont feel stressed, you might just be stressed. maybe you're so used to it that it doesnt bother you anymore. perhaps, this is so? yesterday, for the first time since forever, i was so close to crying in the chem lab. because i had no bloody idea what the teacher was trying to make us do, i was confused and cold and i had no strength to link up all the tiny blocks of atoms to form the molecular shape. I didnt realise it then, but i was sick.

thanks to all my lab mates who put up with me yesterday. i must have been super whiney and all, i think. when i got to the doc yesterday, he realised that i was running a fever (i must have been delirious or something to not have realised it) and suffering from FATIGUE. HA! he said i needed to relax and get enough rest. i asked for an MC for today, but i got tomorrow too. i'll make use of the time to catch up with my school work then.

it's still weird having to struggle to find my footing, to find a place for myself. its weird to walk into the SAC and realise that no one i know is there (though now, usually there's a few ppl i know:))its weird to walk alone in school and not have someone there to talk to you. i realised in light of all these how important my friends are to me. somehow, there seem to be this worry that is forever present that i find myself alone in school. (thankfully, its not happening now)

its hard not to miss the good old days when every person you see is someone whom you know, and will at least smile at. this is how much i loved secondary school, and still do. and i feel that many of us feel this way... although i must admit that i love 5.7 more than i loved 4/5, because we're all one same bunch of fun loving people and we love each other:D back in 4/5, i never do spend enough time with the class.

somehow, lessons were so much easier in sec school, when the teachers print us notes and slides and go through it, and dump worksheets for us to practice. now that i'm left all on my own, its hard to find my way through, though im starting to master the techniques. sometimes, its just tiring to have endless things to do and clear.

student leaders' network is a GREAT THING though. our Operation B.B (bounce back) was a great success if i must say and YUP, WE DID IT. we're FIRST class:P next up, Operation C.Cube.

so much to do, so little time. do what you can as you will:) love you all.

night owls o.O

2009-06-27T22:17:00.004+08:00

over the years, i find myself getting into repeated arguments with my mum about my sleeping habits. forever, they went- why cant you sleep earlier and wake up earlier to do your work? what is the difference? its a bad habit to sleep so late you know? its not good for your health, and you cannot focus in class, then fail your exams.

typical? totally. i used to just tell her- i'm a night kinda person. why cant i sleep late then wake up late instead? isn't it the same? the most important thing is to get enough hours of sleep what. says who that sleeping late is a habit? i'm more productive studying at night!

know what my mum tells me? that's a whole LOAD OF RUBBISH. everyone knows that sleeping early is good for you. i roll my eyes and keep mum, knowing that whatever i say will be shot down, heard but not comprehended.

tonight, once more, this ever so controversial topic made its way into our conversation, turning it to become a heated exchange between us. tonight, i ended the argument by saying- why dont you just google this habit and see if its a bad one. guess what mum said? prove it to me then. go find me the studies you were talking about.

sounds familiar to the many of you who cant stand it when your parent accuses you of BAD SLEEPING HABITS? i have great news. AND SOLID EVIDENCE:)
_____________________________________________________________

BLAME IT ON OUR GENES. yes, we can blame our parents for making us sleep late- not because they keep stressing us about academic excellence, but when the sperm fertilised the egg which developed to become US, somewhere, a gene MUTATED. see? totally not within our control. so each time your parent tries to open their mouth thinking they're right (when they actually are wrong), tell them this:) works like a gem.

view the article @: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1549823/Gene-explains-why-people-are-night-owls.html

excerpt: The altered gene, named "after hours" or Afh, is a variant of a gene called Fbxl3, which had not been linked to the body clock that keeps our metabolism, digestion and sleep patterns in tune with the rising and setting of the sun.

so what if our parents continue saying: you used to sleep early. now you start sleeping late. so this is not a gene mutation! uh oh. are we still stunned? no need to be:)

answer: Dr Gerald Lincoln, of Edinburgh University's Centre for Reproductive Biology, said: "Surprisingly, the circannual body clock works on a 10-month cycle.We reset our body calendar every summer, when increased light inhibits the production of melatonin. This could explain why sunshine makes us feel happier."

dont understand the answer? meaning our body clock resets every 10 months. so it can be that if it happens this year, it night not happen the next, and vice versa:) YAY FOR TEENS! OUR PARENTS ARE CLUELESS ABOUT THESE and they start lecturing us? our best rebuttal? shove this article right in their face:)

plus, here's an added bonus which you can totally just attach to your article:) we night owls perform better, physically, than those early risers PLUS we're SMARTER (uh huh, scientifically proven) PLUS we tend to be richer (HAHAHA!:]) AND we work harder and LAST LONGER. so, why should we be scolded for a bad habit that is actually beneficial to us? famous people like charles darwin, winston churchill are all night owls, and look where they got to in life. so, parents, THINK AGAIN!

CHEERS! here's to all the night owls. oh, and the research also mentioned that most teenagers are usually night owls, MEANING, if school started from 11.30am- 5.30pm, our attention span would be longer, PLUS, we will achieve better academic results! HA! so shouldnt MOE start passing the verdict down so more of us will end up where we want to be in life (theoretically) and the teachers can get more sleep as well, and we students wont suffer from those nervous breakdowns and stress when we're awake finishing our report at 2 am and fretting over having to wake up at 6am=.=

credits:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-1173028/How-night-owls-cleverer-richer-people-rise-early.html

http://www.canada.com/health/Brains+early+birds+night+owls+work+differently+Study/1728030/story.html

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/06/090623150621.htm

enough time?

2009-06-13T13:57:00.005+08:00

its almost 2 weeks into june holidays and i havent made any progress on STUDYING:( sigh... time passes so quickly when you're having fun, but passes most slowly when u want something to be over. caught up with many friends i havent saw for so long, made alot more new friends:) dare i say that this june hols was one of the best, and most fun-filled ever:)

was doing a quiz on facebook just now and this question lingered in my mind... do you know who your true friends are? i feel that if you're true to them then they'll be true to you? its a give and take kinda thing. looking around me, i seem to realise a certain kind of trend? when you're young you have alot of friends, and POOF, 20 years later when you're married with kids, your social circle shrinks- alot of aquaintances but little true friends:( how is it that unconciously, we lose our friends? there are many people who walk in and out of your heart, but only true friends leave a footprint in it:) im happy to say that looking back, i find my heart filled with footprints and myself surrounded by many people who love me, care for me and are there for me:)

STAR people:) who spent the 4 years together figuring things out together, camping tgt and going through courses like the genomics one TOGETHER:) class of 2008:) 1st batch ^^
Pre U seminar group 22:) LOVES:) although we only spent 5 days together, it was enough to foster lasting friendships. just check out the time we spend facebook-ing:D and our totally unique, WHATEVER cheer:)
5.07 ruth:) though there are some absentees in the pic... but well, I LOVE THEM:) most memorable event together? FRISBEE:) I'M NOT A PLAYER shirt that was printed the wrong way but well, we still wore it:D latest outing- MOVIE MARATHON at nick ngiam's place:)
4/5'08 those days spent in the classroom complaining about everything under the sun but still doin it nonetheless:) WE FINISHED OUR O LEVELS IN EACH OTHER'S COMPANY:) i can still remember our night classes... those days:)

25th STUDENT COUNCIL- the bulk of my time after school back in sec three and four was with these AMAZING people:) CHEERS:) 4 years and still going STRONG:) SHINE WITH CONFIDENCE, LEAD WITH PRIDE!:)
im thankful for all these friends who love me for who i am and who i am not:) if each friendship was worth a million, i would be a millionaire many times over. we are all rich in our own sense aren't we? look not with your ears nor your eyes but with your heart, cause you can be fooled by the things you see and hear, but never by your own heart:)

make the best of what's left of this june!

JUNE HOLS

2009-05-29T20:58:00.006+08:00

finally the hols are here. time seemed to whizz past so quickly. in a year and a half more, i'll have to take my IBDP exams:S in just 18 months and less. somehow there seems to be a really huge gap between secondary and jc life. THE huge void that we are all expected to grow and fit into in the mere three months between the finishing of o levels and starting at a new school. it seems laughable how, to me, in november last year, that i could fit all of my ambitions into three months- work, play, sleep alot, think and reorganise my life. 2 weeks of holiday overseas, half a month gone. one month working full time at the childcare center, another month gone. chinese new year preparation time, one month gone, and POOF, its time for school:)

this time, i have one wish for the june hols: TO CHASE MY KOREAN DRAMA:) boys over flower. im SO in love with the show

lee min ho starring as gu jun pyo:)
he actually makes curly hair look way way GOOD.
kim bum starring as so yi jung:)
20 years old and already a charmer. his wink and crooked smile is SUPER CHARMING:)

okays. back to topic:D worked hard, but didnt get the chance to play hard, nor sleep to the fullest. perhaps its time that we think more, and emphasize more on the personal growth part than the education part? as a result of the choice of school, i get to take the mrt everyday. and everyday, i look forward to it, because a trip on the mrt meant an eye opener and a social experiment to observe.

usually, im disgusted at how fellow healthy, teenage and middle-aged singaporeans can blatantly sit on the seats reserved for the elderly and the pregnant ladies when there is someone holding a crutch standing right in front of them, or a pregnant lady with a significant bump protruding. they simply stare past them, as if unable to see, or rather, choosing not to see. and when fellow passengers stare at them, willing them to give up their seats with the power of staring, it only sometimes work. most of the time, it works with students, who grow uncomfortable under the stares and therefore give up their seats after 5-6 stops. some working adults simply closed their eyes and pretended to doze off. how convenient.

then again, it isnt really simply the fault of that commuter sitting on the reserved seat. others who have a seat simply look and observe as the staring game unfolds, but they too, did not volunteer their seats to the elderly nor pregnant ladies. theoretically, they are under no obligation to give up their seats as they are not labelled priority seats, but morally, are they also not obliged to do so? there seems to be certain mentality possessed by singaporeans- that if it is not specifically listed or pointed out by rules or laws, then there is no need to do so. have we raised a generation to be so selfish, or so law abiding that they simply live by rules, and not their own moral compasses?

will the teenagers not one day grow to become someone in need? 10, 20 years later, they might be the ones who are pregnant, exhausted after a day of work, still having to squeeze in the crowded trains with the workday crowd, standing on their swollen feet, and need a seat? will the middle aged workers, in 10 -20 years time, not grow old and perhaps, suffer from backaches nor need a crutch? if we ourselves are so selfish now, then what position are we in to criticise our next generation if they did to us what we did to our elders now?

we need a more gracious and considerate society, one that will put the needs of others before self and the interest of country before self. i am for the fact of employing regulators on board the trains to ensure that singaporeans give up their seats to those in need and fine those inconsiderate people to teach them a lesson so they will remember it and not repeat their selfishness the next time. or, we could perhaps make it a law that the priority seats are not to be occupied by any other occupants other than the elderly or pregnant ladies, and these seats are to be left EMPTY, even during peak hours. if the society cannot grow to be more gracious, then it is up to our government to ensure that graciousness is enshrined in law.

what a bother!

2009-05-22T20:55:00.002+08:00

been so tired recently. its really weird. like, although the homework load isnt THAT much, the depth and contents really can have you wrecking your brains for hours. i rather face my o level tys and do it over and over than do one tutorial for biology. like, really. sigh, i guess we never are contented.

they say that the greedy man gets more. i must have not been greedy enough, so im not getting what i really want to get for some subjects:S JIAYOU!! though its a little hard... but im loving theory of knowledge more and more. it rocks!:D so interesting and challenging:) its my fav subject now, after history:)

there seems to be a little knowledge gap between sec 4 biology and jc bio. make that a huge one instead. o level's like totally irrelevant to the jc one. you learn how helicase uncoils the DNA, then topoisomerase enters to reduce the build up strain to prevent DNA from breaking, and how a single strand binding protein comes into prevent collaspe of the unravelled strands of DNA. Primase acts as a primer to allow DNA polymerase to bind before DNA polymerase III to add nucleotides in the 5' to 3' direction, from the 3' end. and that's just ONE drop of water in the HUGE ocean called BIOLOGY. in o levels? you learn MITOSIS. HAHAHA. it really amazes me how i could actually find mitosis difficult in sec 4 when it is now the least of my worries.

i actually have to start learning how to spell the proper names for all the enzymes and proteins and what not and the list goes on. and this is just for bio only. before this month, i didnt even know that ribosomes in prokaryotes is 80s, and made up of the small subunit (30s) and a big subunit (50s). what a life.

chemistry. THERE IS NO TRUE IONIC COMPOUND. WHOA. i tell you, i really feel cheated back in secondary school. if you think chem is hard in sec 3, then dont think about jc chem. its really a world apart. IN A LEAGUE OF ITS OWN. we dont even draw dot and cross diagrams anymore, only Lewis. draw bonds in 3D!!? omg. u need superb visualisation skills. it actually is like DnT back in sec 2. and im reminded of the awful truth- i failed my 3D drawings all the way until the final exams:S im now thankful that mr illango worked me so hard and forced me to learn how to draw and visualise properly.

well... HISTORY is the bestest subject ever. really. SO MUCH MORE FUN!:D although there are so many things to remember and analyse, its interesting, and you wont ever grow bored of it. although historiography is a little demanding... but well... part of the parcel >.< but i <3 history!

okays... i guess i have to stop ranting and get back to work. whole lot to be done, so little time!! AHH!

o. and im totally hooked on boys over flower. i watched 25 episodes of it in like, 5 days? and doing my english and tok essay, chem and bio IAs alongside it. YI JUNG AND GA EUL!:)

school life... thus far

2009-05-12T20:35:00.003+08:00

havent had the time nor energy to blog. its really weird trying to strike a balance between sleeping and doing my homework. i seem to be spending alot of time on neither of these two. and i dont exactly have homework, there's quite little GIVEN work, but alot of independent study. i havent got the hang of it just yet. but hopefully, i'll be fine:)

today lijia asked me: if i could choose another class, which would i choose? my answer: i'll take 5.07 Ruth '09 anytime:) yep. i love my class. sounds abnit late to say this after 3 months into the school year, but whatever. better late than never!
been feeling happier nowadays. one thing because i keep bumping into the jss people so that makes my day): and .07 is FUN and i look forward to going to school. on most days. hopefully this positiveness will last!

havent been able to catch my breath at night recently and it is indeed quite scary. like choking but when you're not eating or even drinking. and i cant seem to keep it under control. the doc says that my lungs are fine but my heart beats a little too fast but still pretty normal. i wonder why:(

I MISS EVERYONE OF YOU MY FRIENDS. WHO BOTHER TO COME VISIT MY BLOG AND READ MY WOES AND WHATNOT. THANKS PEOPLE!:) I LOVE YOU!