i couldn't help but wonder if its a form of uncontrolled suppression of bad memories- that i did the paper so badly that i suppress any recollections of it psychologically so that i can repress that bad memories. perhaps. a simpler way of explaining that big fat blank might be that the end of exams took an edge off the stress tremendously, and when i relax, i simply don't memorise what i wrote in my answers, because, very simply, i'll get them back. i know it. for sure. not that i have a bad memory whatsoever:) the latter does sound better, and more convincing.

sat through bio paper review today, and guess what? madam said that i improved. not in leaps and bounds like i would like it, but an improvement is an improvement nonetheless, and so, i'm happy. in the littlest sense only though, because i expect so much more from myself. i owe it to myself, to my parents, to my teachers, to do well in the exams, because after so much has been put in, its time to reap what they sowed.

daddy, despite being very busy, fetches al and i to school every morning, rain or shine, at 6.40am, despite him starting work only at 9.30am. this is what i call dedication and love i guess, and i know that i am loved. you don't measure love and commitment using the big, independent events which happens on special occasions- it's a sum of all the small things put together. yes, i sat down and talked to dad and mum about my university studies. i want to go overseas to pursue my degree of interest, but i don't want to place a financial strain on my parents for four years just to fulfill my wants. i want an overseas education, but i don't need it- i can study locally, just not the specific subject area that i want to. i don't see this as settling for less, but i see this as being practical, and by doing so, shows how much i love the two people who have raised me. i think this is really important.

you hear about people who have the names of all the ivy leagues off their fingertips, and financial burden does not even appear in their dictionary. yeah, i feel envious. so? we should live within our means- and this is one value i was raised with. my grandparents only had primary school education, my grandmothers didn't go to school at all. they raised my parents with the aim of putting them through secondary school, and they did it- they did better for their children then they ever had themselves. my parents raised al and i with the aim of putting us through local university- doing better for us than what they had themselves- and i really really appreciate this, and i completely understand where they are coming from. daddy worked for years before earning the money to put himself through night schools to earn those diplomas and degrees. i'm lucky i don't have to. guess the grass is always greener on the other side, that's why i'm typing all of these down- to make myself remember and know how lucky i am, and grass, be it this side or that side, is always green. grass on my side is as green as the grass on the other side because we share the same air, water and sunlight (ie. education opportunities, schooling system etc). heck the soil. though i sometimes do wish that people don't boast about it so openly, because there is a certain pressure, and sadness.

now back to practising for the SATs. my last words? the very words that conned me into taking biology hl.

To see the world in a grain of sand, and to see heaven in a wildflower, hold infinity in the palm of your hands, and eternity in an hour.

-William Blake