I feel like my body's thrown off balance, derailed. i get the feeling of wanting to run away, far far away. i know what work needs to be done, what can be done, but i don't want to do it. rather, don't feel like doing it. Not that i'm escaping from something effortless, but well, sometimes, school is simply exhausting. with the added stress of snide comments with hidden meanings that i no longer have energy to decipher.

PTM was a huge mistake. the school organises it with good intentions of allowing parents to keep track of their kid's progress, to allow for communication between parents and teachers, but the ultimate victim of this unfortunate meeting is the kid. i did better than my common test last year- but i am feeling so much for stressed up this time round. i don't know what my teachers said to my mum, though i know that it is not very bad stuff. but everyone says things like, 'i'm confident that eileen can do very well as long as she puts in her effort.' and one even asked my mum if i studied. and when my mum said that ever since primary school, i was left to study on my own, she got another question in response: 'have you ever seen her sit down and open a book?' i felt kind of insulted. i understand that it was asked with the best intentions, but it is so hurtful:( and it is so hard to reconcile the two feelings. of course i open my books. me not doing well in that particular subject is NOT BECAUSE I DIDN'T STUDY, it is because i misinterpreted the questions of the essays. i lost ALL MY MARKS THERE, and nowhere else. how many times must i say it for it to sink in? i think my teacher finally realised that in class, and that was such a wonderful encouragement. oh, that glorious feeling of being able to anything at all, that there is so much unexplored potential in you. i promise that if i have a kid next time, i'll give lots of that:) i try to give that to my cousins too, cos it is SO HARD to get this idea that encouragement works better than digging up old stories and harping on it, because, i assure you, it is TRIED AND TESTED, and reverse psychology does NOT work in the area of grades.

i explain it to my teachers. then i go home and explain it to my parents again. and this cycle repeats. i hate it that i have to tear open fresh scabs over not-so-old wounds and keep feeling the pain. one bad grade? understand where you've gone wrong and then MOVE ON. what is it with adults and all the harping on one bad grade? it only results in the domino effect that makes you feel progressively worse, then makes you lose all hope, when in fact, when i first got that grade, i had come to terms with it. then now i feel unsure about myself and my ability and i just feel like crap every day when i wake up. friends make me feel a little better, but well, teachers aren't helping a lot if they keep seeing me as a student who is not putting in effort. because i am.

enough with hurtful words. it was nice to get it off my chest and store those in the form of words in one little of cyberspace that is rarely visited. really, sometimes, i think i should grow up and become a child psychology expert- because i really understand how we feel. i've been through all that. i once had this conversation with a six year old while working at a child care center during the hols as a teacher.

felix: how do you know if you are not a children (well, he mixed up his singular and plural), but an adult like mummy?

me: erm, well, when you grow up, finish school and start working [trying to put it in 6 year old terms]

felix: really?

me: uh-huh.

felix: [offers me his hello panda that his mum packed for him for recess] teacher, do you want? [i was surprised cos i always make him stay back to write his sentences cos his words are so messy, but cute:))

me: [i took one] thank you, felix.

later at the playground, we were playing chasing, and suddenly, i became a chaser because i was the only non-moving target (sitting on the bench and looking out for the kids). i was laughing so hard chasing them, and them, me.

then felix said, 'teacher, you are just a children.' i looked at his hair that was plastered to his forehead, his glowing cheeks and the wonder in his eyes. and then i laughed.

'why, felix?'

'because you laugh so much, like me. adults don't laugh alot.' well, i don't mind being a child for life i suppose:)

every time i feel a little disconcerted or down (which is increasing in frequency these days), i think about our conversation. i try to smile, if not laugh. smile, because the world deserves the best you've got:)