it is so hard to focus recently. so difficult. its like waging a constant war against impulse- and i'm on the losing side. its tiring, and im exhausted.

letting go seems so enticing. but no. they say that i can do it, to hang on. but when you get so tired easily at night, what do you do? when you just feel like crying and those those damn papers outta the window right back to wherever they came from, what do you do?

it is so easy to tell people to take the difficult way out- to never give up. when it happens to you? hypocritical and judgmental you suddenly just want to run away. coward, you say. i don't mind being one, is the reply, leaving you completely stunned.

so much work undone, unnoticed, hidden and lost. so little time. you say, hello, you're only eighteen, stop philosophizing like an eighty year old who accomplished nothing in life. the reply? hello back, and welcome to the new modern age- where if you're unsuccessful at eighteen, you'll probably be in the same state at eighty.

i rest my case.