i don't want to sleep but i don't want to stay awake. i don't want to breathe but i don't want to hold my breath. that very feel of restlessness, of not knowing what to do anymore- it is becoming more and more familiar, frighteningly so. losing interest in everything... except for happily ever afters. i'm waiting. still.

sometimes i wonder if it'll ever come. i've seen so many examples around me- how two imperfects make one perfect. sometimes its not that hard, but we try too hard. maybe if we step back and take a look then we'll find happiness lurking in a corner? like it is that easily found.

how i look on the outside is not what i feel on the inside. does yours match up? or is it a mismatch like mine? perhaps the difference is what we call personality- because the difference in every individual is different?they say happiness is inward... so if i have less inside, does it mean that im less happy?

seeing the world once a year- that's my happiest moments. to go somewhere other than staying here. i like being on the move. i enjoy being on the move- to miss home rather than be home. in that way, im weird i suppose. to know that there is so much more out there, to feel the endless possibilities, to challenge myself to adapt to a new place.

im finally figuring myself out. well, starting to. 2010. a whole new start. i want be anywhere where but here. im going to figure out how to do that.