i just wanna hold on and never let go. never ever let go. yet somehow somewhat, they manage to undo themselves and they slowly fade away, becoming a once-upon-a-time. NO. not that i like it, but good things always seem to come to an end inevitably. and it kills me every single time i think of that. is it possible, that, when you pour your heart into something, when it disappears, a part of you disappears with it? cause i think i m not who i used to be, filled, overfilling with cheerfulness and happiness, enough to give away yet still have a lot left for myself. maybe with each person, i give a little, and when they leave, they take it with them, and i lose it, along with that broken thread of a relationship.

let me share a story:

once upon a time, there was a little girl. she was four and a half years old when she entered childcare. on the first day, she didnt want to let go, because she was afraid. Afraid of being friendless, of being abandoned, of being an extra. Then she realised that childcare was fun. She warmed up to her classmates, who eventually became her friends, and one, her best friend.

each day passed quickly, as they studied together happily, played happily, and did everything together for 10 hours straight. during nap time, the girl and her best friend sleeps side by side, sometimes even on the same straw mat. Together, they played "home", doing silly things like eating the food--which was made of paper--, pretending to be mother daughters. Together, there, studied, and one day, during chinese lesson, they cheated during spelling. The girl did not know how to write "whale", and her best friend showed her the answer. later, she got full marks but her friend got one mistake, but it didnt matter- because they still had each other.

soon, in a flash, they were six, and ready to enter primary school. excited, nervous brimming with happiness, they attended the same primary school. the fact that they were in different classes didnt matter. they spent recess together, and even lunch, sometimes. then, after school, they'll go back to the student care center together. there, they were inseparable. they spent playtime together, and they loved playing "one-legged catching". they studied together, and did homework together.

once, both chopped off their long black locks, because one girl wanted to accompany the other girl. without any hesitation, they did it. and there is a picture of both with short hair and cheeky grins, smiling like they had the world.

then in upper primary, they drifted apart a little. but they were still in the same class. they had their own circle of friends, and their own CCAs. but they were still together, because of a common love for something- SCRABBLE. together, in their last year of primary school, they, together with their teammates, won the national scrabble competition. that scrabble team was one of the top 10 in the country:)

when they went to the same secondary school, they still stuck together, but not for long. on the first day of school, they went together, both a bundle of nerves. by chance, they were in the same class! and they spent two years together, both a class monitoress and a councillor. then, the girl's best friend quitted student council for her CCA, chopped off their famous long locks and things were never quite the same anymore. the girl felt it, but didnt say or do anything because she did not know how to. from the daily chatters dwindled to a few sentences a day, sometimes more, sometimes little. when they both got into upper sec, their communication became a hi and bye on the corridors, a few sentences to ask about what's going on, a few opinions or, once in a blue blue moon, a hug or two. when her best friend was hurt, she was no longer the first to know. neither did she hear it from her mouth, but from her other friends. she was saddened when her best friend bled, and she was helpless as she could do nothing. she could only pray that she'll be ok.

now, they have, in each other's mind, become a part of a colourful and memorable past. a faded imprint left on each other's heart, washed away by time and new relationships.

end of the story.


people change. time does that to us, and it does not wait. when you realised you lost something, and desperately want it back, it would have been out of reach, carried away by the tide named time. but i just want to say something- i will always remember each and every person, each and every friendship. and i really really miss you, though you might not even read this post.

many things swirl through my mind and often, there is no answer. its almost always unresolved. and on the days hardest to get by, i still remember the support i had, and although struggling, i still got by. the past was not without its mistakes, but without its mistakes it would not be the same past anymore. now, i still fall back on those memories. and i wished i had more recent ones. as a person i have grown, as a daughter i have learnt, as a debater i have gained, as a coordinator i have treasured, as a vice chair i have planned, as a friend, i have lost. i want that five year old back. i want those years back.

and shedding these tears only seem to exhaust those memories. there was a time when i could remember everything- the way the smile was, the way the eyes lit up, the actions. only when i started to forget, then will i fall back on the pictures. the only evidence of that period of amazing childhood.

let me get lost in my labyrinth of memories and let the world fade into nothingness.