one moment i m happy, feeling on cloud nine, and the next i've plunged through 9 levels of hell and so darn pissed off. WHAT IS HAPPENING?

and its all because of a blasted someone. i wish i could just live my life without that person. cause my life's being turned upside down, and not in a good way. grr. feeling so darn angry now. i just wanna vent, but i dont know how to. so i decided to isolate myself. good idea.

curl up and hibernate somewhere, die and rot into the bed. and noone will care. until my body disintegrates and all that's left is my bones no one will know. or bother to find out. everyone will assume. and wont actually check. cause i m that worthless. haha. pessimist thoughts but i cant help it. the other "she" residing in me is acting up again. and i cant stop it no matte how much i hate it. RESIDENT EVIL.

sometimes i cant help it
when the smile dont reach my eyes
no one sees the pain behind
the effort it takes to scrunch up my lips
and say, i'm fine.

no. i'm not.
but i refuse to admit it.
cause i was stupid enough to believe
by not admiting, others will believe
i'm fine.

its fine to cry
if you've done something wrong
because you know the reason behind the tears

but i cry
because someone i love malign me
and i cant accept it
and i'll never come to terms with it

believe in the false front
and you'll never know what's behind
everyone chooses to believe
because that way
they can pretend its all ok
when deep down, they know
it's not.

whatever. just venting and i havnt finished. but who can i turn to? i hate to place i'm in. not here, nor there. the painful, piercing pain which goes right through the flesh, and embeds itself in your heart. it'll fade but will never go away. felt it before?ITS THAT PAINFUL.

cant you feel it?
if you cant, good:)

i wish and wish and wish and wish.................
upon the stars and all nice things on earth

make all these things disappear.
turn back time and stop pandora from opening the box.
nothing bad will exist then.

then mayb i'll feel way way better.

then again, there'll be no hope. cause hope's the only good thing which came out from the box. but well, if there's nothing bad, you wouldnt even need hope in the first place.

so who cares?

i feel like using 4 letter words but that's not who i m. or least, i hope not.

sometimes... i feel like i dont know myself anymore. its like, i m scared of myself. of what i even thought of doing. *******. but i dont tink i'll ever be brave enough to do it. not to myself. the life slowing seeping out of you. returning to the basics.