i m trying to deal with it. trying to. 2 VERY MAJOR THINGS WHICH I TOTALLY SCREWED UP.

1. CAMP. the overall was superb. everything went smoothly and we were coordinated ( seeing that the 4 camp commandants are coordinators and all. lol) but the sec 2s.... it was mostly disappointment. and i m sorry to say that i cried. when i saw them going through all that. all the pain. and i felt it. i guess i really did pour my heart and soul into this job.

when i saw gavin being scolded to within an inch of his life, till tears were welling up. the disappoinment in his eyes. zhiye doing the knuckle pumping as told to by ann perng without the support of his thumbs. the trembling. the veins, the tears. those words. agnes looking on. crying silently. xinwei being drilled like he's emotionless by izwan. it all got to me. the first night i spent it on the bball court, mostly alone, thinking. and i dont have an answer. the second day, the sec 2s underperformed. all adds up and piles up so i cried. i m sorry sec 2s. i didnt do my job properly. i promise to do my best. i will. we've still got 8 months.

then during stand by bunk. weiyang. yongcheng and ernest told me that weiyang didnt know why he's here for the camp. it hurts. really. and when i asked him, he couldnt answer me. and it really got to me. although miss tang said to be emotionless. to put it all aside. but i could not. but i swear i tried. when he was in pumping position. struggling so hard. i felt worse than ever. so? i did it for him. i told him to recover. to sit infront of me. while i was in pumping position. and give me an answer. but he could not. after 15 mins. despite what izwan and ann perng told him. and that was it. kenneth came and told me ," we failed." i recovered. threw my nametag on the floor and walked off. cause i couldnt face him anymore. and when miss tang saw me, i was on the verge of just breaking down.

i cried. i asked why is it that no matter how much i try, it isnt reflected in them. i asked if i m fit to be a coord. i dont think i m anymore. but i think what miss tang was true, " you put all your efforts into it, but u dont see the effort. not yet. that is why i told you all to put aside all your emotions before stand by bunk. it is because u felt for them, that's why u cried."

then i went back. i recollected my feelings and all. then it was almost the end of stand by bunk. almost all the male instructors were there with weiyang. pushing his physical limits. cause we want him to know that he is STRONG. that a weak minded person can say " i give up." but he cannot. and we pushed him. again and again. till he completed 15 push ups and 5 crunches.

but i tink he can do better and can do more. oh yes. and he'd better. JIAYOU WEIYANG!!! mayb its my fault. mayb i wasnt tough enough. so should i revert to the old days and make them do physical punishments even during our meetings?

as the camp proceeds, i got very tired. not physically but mentally. it was like all the disappointment. all the responsibility. all those weighing down. on me. yet i did not achieve it all. every scolding i did meant something i did not achieve with the campers. every scolding inflicted another type of pain on me. it drained the feelings in me. bit by bit. until the end of camp. i felt empty. like nothing was left in me. i gave my everything. but did i reap? only time will tell. as i finish typing all these, my heart feels empty. as always, like always. why is it that i m disappointed time and time again? all the broken promises . all the misplaced trust. all the unrequited faith. i must have gone wrong some where.

i felt bad as a camper to see my batchmates suffer. i felt worse as an instructor when i see my sec 2s suffer. believe me, sometimes, it good to be a camper. but being an instructor is good too. it meant being in control. it meant responsibility. it means TRUST. the thing we build everything upon.

2. MY RESULTS. although it isnt that bad considering how the entire level performed, i feel really really bad. the morning started off bad enough. eng and humans paper. average out i got 62 for both individually only...=( then recess. stayed in the sc room the entire recess. was so depressed. then izwan, meiyu, desmond, ann perng, esther came in and tried to make me feel better. but i still cried. cause mr ooi told me i flunked a maths (but i actually got 77) and i was so worried i'll flunk all my sciences like i did in my dreams. everyone was like, "u wont fail de la". but what if?? there's a first time for everything right??

so worried. then ann perng was like, dont worry, wont fail a maths one. since when did i fail it?. thanks for consoling me though. by the end of my therapy in the sc room with them, i felt way better. then when i went back to class i started feeling stupid again. i started feeling like a failure all over again [look at zhen yuan. puh-lease] and it does not help that everyone is asking me how "well" i did. so i kept pretty much distant in class.

then my overall subjects were like, erm, crapola. As and Bs being the majority. with a C in physics!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PHYSICS. i ask mr tan if i can drop it (since i have 10 subjects) and he say cannot. =.=

when i went home and told my parents my results, they just said nvm and didnt even reprimand me. at all. SCARY. and it makes me feel 10 times the guilt. 10 times the pain. i let ppl down again.

I M SORRY.