Labels: drama, IB, school

I dislike the waiting game. The worst thing one can do to another is to make them wait. Waiting is full of uncertainty, at times, anxiety, and often not, frustration. It's easy to say "good things come to those to wait" - afterall, you aren't the one waiting. The grass is definitely less green on the waiting side.

I suppose waiting can help you cultivate patience. But it can also cause your blood pressure to shoot through the roof, your heart beat consistently faster, make you lose concentration on something you were meant to be 100% focused on. Life is a waiting game. From the moment we awaken, we wait. For the toilet, in the queue for breakfast, for a call, a text, an email, for work to end, for a certain day, etc. Unconsciously, we wait. Consciously, we still wait. This sense of time passing without giving us an answer we expect permeates life.

First it was for academic results, then when that was over, for scholarship interviews and offers. And when I thought it was all over, that it was a process I can safely tuck into the tightest corner of my memory and (hopefully) never have to relieve, it begins all over again as I wait for an answer for university placement. How did it come to be that I got accepted everywhere but the one place I needed to get into? Ironic, yes. Though one can, and probably should, see it as another example of how life is shrouded with mysteries. The only thing that we can do is to embrace it with open arms.

I find myself thinking, dreaming of the future when all the amazing things happen. When everything goes my way, the way I envision it to be and more- then again, that's why they call it a dream - the exact opposite of reality. I never believed in phrases like, "dream job/car/house/vacation" because that's why life is so amazing but at the same time so unbelievably and irrevocably annoying. Things don't always go according to plan, but when one door is closed, its because there's another one somewhere, open, waiting for us to discover it. Hence my favourite phrase: "beyond my wildest dreams".

Yeah, I am what people would label as an optimist. I am probably 10 times more optimistic than an average person when it comes to being optimistic (thus mum's advice of being shrewd when I have to). But at the same time, I am 10 more more pessimistic than the average person as well. I try not to hope, because I hate the feeling of being let down. I don't always share good news until they are set in stone, because I loath the feeling of letting others down, of having to tell others otherwise. I don't know how these qualities will work against or for me in the future, but if I could live life all over again, I would still choose to grow up the way I have been brought up.

They are right when they tell you that you need to know bitterness before you can appreciate even the smallest bit of sweetness in your life. They definitely know what they are saying when they say to wait it out. Afterall, storms can't last forever can they? Focus on the rainbow after the storm, and you will see the storm with a different eye.

I'll wait with a renewed sense of hopefulness.

Labels: hope, optimism, waiting

Hi friends:) If any of you are still coming to this page to read more about what i've been up to...not that i think there'll be any thanks to my inconsistency:(( well, you can also sometimes go to thoughtsinapot.wordpress.com. Sometimes i scribble there. I blog less now- basically because im not disciplined to sit still enough to extract all those thoughts running through my head and put it legibly into a blog post.

but what i've been up to after IB?

1) 3 months of teaching internship at Fuhua Secondary School. Best choice i ever made by signing up. The kids make me smile, and it makes all the having to sweat in a classroom, lose my voice, stay up late marking all worth it.



Just a few of my classes. The most rewarding isn't teaching gifted kids. But normal, everyday kids like you and i and helping them to grow into good people:) Gratification isn't instant, but when it comes, it knocks you over and leaves you craving for more. In that instant, you remember why you started doing it in the first place.

2) Catching up with the K-wave and getting swept away by it. COMPLETELY. thanks to my aunt who introduced me to 'We Got Married' and my students whom i catch looking at 2PM in the files under their tables.



Hello 2011:) The year started off with a bang- fireworks at marina bay with sathia, bryant, ummu, yeehui, rachel, wenkang and junko:) Can't believe I spent the last three hours of 2010 sitting on top of a drain cover in my jeans, then stood for the final 20 minutes in my heels waiting for the countdown. The atmosphere was infectious, and everyone was screaming happy new year after the fireworks ended. AWESOME:):):)

then got home at 2.30am and started boiling herbal chicken soup for mummy's birthday mee sua in the morning. daddy dyed the eggs red. happy morning when we all woke up to eat herbal chicken soup mee sua to celebrate mummy's birthday:D then it was off to conrad where mummy and daddy are staying overnight in plus TONS OF SHOPPING to kick start the new year:)

train-ed to nicholas's house where the bunch of us gathered:) 9 is a much much funner number than 6. but i wish all 11 of us were there:( still, LOVED THE COMPANY. played chinese chess and i 'won':D then it was blackjack. SO MANY CUPS OF DRINKS WE HAD. and no peeing unless we did a forfeit. I'm still holding it in.

haven't had such a happy, wonderful, relaxed day since... well, since a long time ago. common app is all done and left behind in 2010:) can't wait to commence work on the 4th to start on something productive. and i'm tingling inside from all the expectations i have for the new year. UNIVERSITY. I really cannot imagine what life will be like once we're really really really done with school. for good. and start working and all. what will life be like without a constant source of knowledge, a constant process of learning? I'll ponder after the game ends and I CAN PEE. holding in pee is so hard when it's all you can think about.

hope you all (like there's any readers left at all:O) had a great new year's day with the friends and family whom you treasure and love:)

Exams are over. Have been over since Monday. It's setting in, really, the feeling of being able to do anything you want to. Like your whole future is laid out there, waiting for you to uncover it. It is also scary- going to sleep without anything specific or important to do the next day and then waking up, feeling lazy and not having anything to have to study for. It's ironic. Really ironic. Life ought to be made simpler.

I'm currently looking for a job, and until I find one, I guess I am officially in the 'unemployment stats'. Out of school and not yet in a job:) Guess internships won't be happening seeing as how difficult it is to get one- not even an interview:/ But it's alright. Maybe it's a sign that I should do something else:) I guess I'll just sit down and think one day and figure out what I'm gonna have to do for the next year.

Till then... I would like to share some peektures:D It's a wonderful Saturday afternoon:)

A little too vulgar for my taste, but it conveys the message just fine:)

One question I always asked myself.

I'll admit that I'm a very VERY irregular blogger- sometimes I write once every few days, sometimes, I don't write for weeks. I don't write for a multitude of reasons, but not having anything to write about is definitely not one. It's the exact opposite. There are so many things that I think about, debate about, struggle with within myself, and I find it really hard to pen it down. I can't get it organised. It's the same for my paper 1 essays... but at least the teachers are there to help me with that one. But seeing as how the IB exams have already started, I think it is unwise to discuss any more academic details (ie. my insufficiencies) on this blog until I can say that it is safely behind me, because believe me, it is taking its toll. It ain't like O levels where you breeze through (relatively) easily.

I have this urge to write during the exams NOT because I have too much time on my hands (I wish:)), but because what I am observing really astounds and alarms me.

Biology paper 2 was over yesterday, and the first thing I hear when we stepped out of the exam hall? No, it isn't 'thank you God' or 'I think I got everything right' or 'Yay, it's over.'The first thing I heard was, 'I got through IB Biology without having done a single genetics question.' The person I heard it from, I'll admit, studies really hard (like, remembers nearly every single thing in Allot:D) and works hard at it. But there's this uneasiness in me as I walked away from the exam hall- is this really what our education systems are molding students to become? You don't have to know everything to get a 7 (which, when you tell people you did, they'll think that you're a Biology genius). You just have to be lucky, pray really hard, and know about 80% of your

things. Is it fair when that student gets a 7(deservingly, or undeserving, you decide), but another student who understands the concepts and KNOW what he/she is talking about, but struggles a little with expressing her concepts in the words that appear in the markschemes get a 5, or maybe 6?

I think it isn't (though that's just my view). What we are really crushing here is not just a student's score, but her future. Yes, it sounds funny when you talk about how a biology grade can affect your life. But it really can. What if that student is denied med school because of that grade? Med school's really competitive you know. What if, that student, who used to be so confident about her academic abilities, and who believes that hard work and true understanding pays of, has his/her faith crushed by such an academic system?

Universities, schools, companies get your resume, but what they don't get is how much (or rather, how little) you worked to get what you did. They don't witness what I witnessed. The system's not fair to all the students out there who belong in the second category. I am a little angry at that, because you know what? Not all the best and the brightest are picked for scholarships, internships and jobs. Some, yes. ALL? NO.

You can tell me, 'But that's why they always have an interview in the selection rounds.' I have two points to make: One, that to get an interview to show them who you really are, they need to first SELECT YOU FOR THAT INTERVIEW BASED ON YOUR RESUME. Two, that there are people who happen be extremely linguistically adept and can talk their way through interviews, impressing people and getting through (when in actuality, they don't give a sh*t(pardon my coarseness).

I also feel that there is a problem on internship forms when they ask you to pick the industries that you want to work in in the future. Does it mean that if I'm unsure, and I want to try, but if I place your institution that as my second choice, will it make you drop me from your interview list? If I am applying fro two internships with two governmental institutions, does it make me sound like a hypocrite? Like someone who is confused? Like someone who is indecisive? Will both cut me from their interview lists, leaving me high and dry with nothing? Will I be forced to spend my holidays wondering if I would have made the interview selections if I placed one of the institutions as first choice (even though I am not really sure)?

I attended countless of career talks, which are supposedly aimed at helping teenagers like me make an informed choice. But what I ended up getting out of most of these talks are always the same. One, that every institution that you apply to would love to know that they're your first choice. Two, that most scholarship boards give scholarships with the intent to lock down talents early (hence binding them with scholarships) and they want to know that you have thought about your career path and is resolute about following it through with your scholarship institution of choice (which you made when you are an 18 year old). Many people I spoke with

after the talks, like scholarship recipients, some of whom I personally know, tell me that they regret it sometimes, and at their age (early 20s) are not sure about whether it is right for them. I mean, they are very very lucky to have gotten the scholarship, but as usual, me being me, I cannot help but wonder if, in their place, someone who had been very enthusiastic about the career, who are perhaps more sure than those people, have been denied a chance because their resume didn't look as good, or because they don't express/represent themselves well enough to impress those interviewers. It's a thought that bites, that erodes my faith in the system slowly as the days pass.

There are so many issues that I haven't even written about, or even talked to someone about, that I cannot finish discussing in this entry even if I am given the next two hours to write. Really. I not saying that the entire system is hypocritical, or nonsense or anything like that. I acknowledge that it has its plus points, and as with everything in life, is not perfect and can never be, even though we always talk about striving for perfection. Maybe the next time I can write about how I regret my subject combination (like I don;t whine about that enough to people I talk to:/) but at the same time, how it has made me stronger.

Really. If I had a chance to speak to our minister of education, or rather, just a curriculum developer or holistic education planner (is there such a post??) from MOE, without having to fear tarnishing the reputation of the institution I represent, or leaving a black mark on my transcripts, or from being negatively judged as a rebel of the system which has 'benefited' many, I would love to debate about all these issues. And maybe help them see what education is like from a student's point of view. Maybe it can help them save the money of hiring experts (who have probably been out of school for more years than you think), and analysts (who work with more stats than students/teachers) and help them see what can be done to help students across board. Not just the creme de la creme, but the average, the mediocre, those with abilities, those with ambitions, those who are not getting the education they crave and wish for.

But knowing that I probably will never get the chance to meet any one of the persons I mentioned in the paragraph above, I would still like to make a few suggestions here just to know that maybe someone will read it, agree, or simply, just consider the issue. And when they go on to do great things, or be in positions where they can do something, to remember this entry written by the 18 year old me, and think about the issue(s) at hand from the point of view of a student.

When wanting to conduct lesson observations, DO NOT inform the teacher before hand (that way, you get a real feel of what lesson is really like, not what it could be with three days of preparation which we all know teachers don't have, because they have so many other roles besides just educating us). Next time you want to teach things in a new way, such as

PBL, don't worry so much about the academic grades of the students it produces, but think about whether or not you have successfully created independent, curious thinkers who really are interested in the world. Cos these are the people who will go on to invent the next big thing, to discover the new cure, to inspire many more others. People who lack this fire but get straight As might make it to the Ivy Leagues of academic education, but chances are that they are not going to get any further.

I feel so liberated (almost), after writing about some of the things which have been troubling me. Sometimes I feel that I don't think like an 18 year old-we are supposed to be spontaneous, to be rash (sometimes), to perhaps do things we will laugh at 10 years later when we recall it- and that I think of a lot of issues that I cannot do anything about except write and talk about it, like I am an old soul trapped in a youthful body (funny isn't it, because usually, its the other way around:)). I like to think that one day, I can change the world for my (future) children. But why is reality so handicapping?

Labels: academics, future, life, school, worries